Hello, I'm currently a 17 year old girl (Korean), and it's my first time ever doing something like this, and I don't know what topic this should be under and I don't know what I'm supposed to write exactly but ..
((And I'm so sorry that this is VERY VERY long, I've been holding it in forever with no one to talk or ask etc to..!))
I've been having such such such a hard time with my life, and its because of my older twin sister.
I've hated her for so so long, it came to a point where I even tried to stab her with a knife when we were alone in the living room at home. (but I didn't/could'nt because my mom and grandma stopped me after hearing her scream and stuff)
Ever since daycare ;;we were like 4~6 years old and could talk etc;;, (i know this sounds exaggerated but really its not!) I started to grow a hate(?) for her because whenever I made friends, she would either try to take them away from me or get them to avoid me in some way.
I didn't think much of it, only like "oh maybe they didnt like me?" or "oh they're mean", (but when I think of it now it was probably my sister's jealously since we were twins and we were always together since birth)
Like I said, I didn't really think "much" of it, I just thought that it was something I did or something I said (since I wasnt fluent in english at the time, and could have made a mistake while talking or something), that was UNTIL I made this african-american friend, we were really really close, and she was the FIRST best best friend I ever made.
But since my sister was always with me as well, us 3 just played together (like any kids our age would) for a few months in daycare, until one day when we were on the daycare bus and her mom came to pick her up...
My sister screamed "HEY (my friend's name)'s MOM, MY SISTER SAYS SHE HATES BLACK PEOPLE".
Wow, when I think back to it, I didn't even know what racism was nor do I think that my sister did either, but yeah, she said it. I screamed back that I didn't, and how I thought she was pretty (i remember screaming back something about how I loved her color and everything etc when my bestie started to cry)
So the days after that incident, I started noticing that my bestie was avoiding me, and giving me disgusted looks, I started crying and stuff because I felt alone and betrayed and got slightly 'bullied' by a few 'older' african american/darker skinned people (plus my daycare teachers were mostly darker skinned, so I don't think they had a good impression on me..)
Honestly, I don't remember the details so I don't know what happened in the daycare (maybe it was such a shock that I had forgotten? since I cant seem to remember most before 'that incident'), well, something probably had happened in the daycare since got my mom and dad really mad and had us drop out of the daycare and move states (i was in north carolina, and moved to washington), and my parents still wont tell me what happened when I ask to this day, they just grit their teeth saying bad stuff about them, so I didn't ask anymore.
Well so after we got settled in Washington, we stil had to graduate preschool or daycare or something (sorry I'm not which one comes first haha...) , but our parents sent us to an art-academy-ish-typed-daycare/preschool, to continue learning english and making friends.
My sister loved art, and I just never really thought much about it (just that I liked it better than doing nothing) so we went there until we graduated, but again, we didn't graduate very happily.
And the reason why was really stupid but what happened happened.. sigh.
My sister and I were quite popular in the academy since we were "new" and "twins", plus we taught them how to fold origami and stuff so we made a good amount of friends there, and we were so happy (since we were treated poorly in the daycare for a long time), so one of the most 'popular' kids?? She was a really pretty red-headed american girl from what I remember, wanted to be our "close close" friend, and hung out with us, so of couse we became friends.
But like a month after becoming friends, we played a lot of games, but that day we wanted to 'roleplay(?)' as "The PowerPuff Girls" (3 cartoon super hero girls), so we were picking roles, and I like cute characters, so I chose this cute character called Bubbles, (the rest are Blossom and Buttercup). But my sister wanted to be Blossom (she was a red-headed character, and Buttercup was a kind of asian/black haired/tough tomboy type character, but since my sister and our pretty friend were girly, they both wanted to be Blossom).
So they started fighting saying like, who will be who etc and I was so embaraassed because it was all supposed to be fun and stuff but they were fighting really loud, and teachers were surrounding them etc... but yeah. You get it..
So it was probably her ego, yeah she has a huge ego or something , and i know this probably happens to every kid but this was such a shock and had such a major impact in my life I'm writing it here..
Well I have so much to write but I think my mom will tell me to get off cause she thinks im doing my essay (since I couldnt tell her I was asking therapists and stuff haha.. T.T) I'll write only the main points..
So yeah we graduated that academy with no more friends, and really unhappy.
And we went to at least 4 different elementary schools ALL because of my sister. (i know this sounds impossible but please believe me). She never really got along with anyone from what I remember, and she probably was doing that since she was so attatched to me.
I remember our first day of one of the schools, it was one of the first classes where we were put into different classes (we were in the same class for most of our elementary school life) but during lunchtime of that day, I saw she was alone just staring at the PE equipment outside the gym while I made like 2 new friends. and I think I was really nice at the time (despite me slowly adding to my hate, its not sibling-hate.. i don't know how to explain it.. but I've always looked at her and wanted to kind of scream at her and ask her why and stuff, i even cried when I was washing my face in the 3rd grade cause i was thinking of how I wanted to kill her, all my hate-stress towards her explode at points..)
so yeah anyways back on track.. well i think i was nice because even though i kind of cringed when i saw her alone, (i was thinking, AGAIN..?) she was still my sister so i invited her to play and introduced her to my friends. so we all played together that day, the next day, and the next, and the whole trimester. (We were in 5th grade)
BUT, sigh.. I don't know if its my sister, or just the type of people I make friends with,,, but there was a puppy donation banner making contest, and it was like for groups of 6 max, and 2 less, and being in a group of 4, (me, sis, A, and D), i thought it was normal for us 4 to try entering.
But then A and D dragged me after lunch to the side and asked kind of shyly "does your sister .....HAVE... to join us..?" and at that time i was kind of confused cause I thought it was obvious that she had to, but when I saw their expressions and stuff I was like "oh..." since I then realized how they didnt really like her. (i was so used to my sister's personality I did not notice) so being kinda pulled;; I didnt invite my sister or tell her where I was going afterschool, and just went to do the contest with them. but it turned out that my sister asked my teacher and she came to where we were and ended up doing the contest with us.
I'm so sorry to the person reading this right now.. theres SO much i want to say and I know Im not making sense or anything but I don't know how to express it in words and I can't go to a real life therapist or counsler or anything because I know the expense and I dont want to do anything to make my parents sad or anything.. and other reasons..
Well so yeah, she was hated by a lot of people , and she always clung to me even in middle school when we were in diff classes, but we had the choice to choose home/art or band, and knowing my sister will choose art, i wanted to avoid her and so i chose band.
thankfully she made ONE friend there, but that friend was the type of friend that was like "a friend to all"-type friend, but still i was really happy for her so she could actually leave me . (i was getting older, and I hated my sister clinging onto me + i told her to make her own friends when we always fought after she said bad things to my friends)
and after the first year of middle school, we had to go back to korea because my dad's father (our grandpa) passed away, but while we were in korea, my parents got a little too comfortable and decided that we would stay here. so we did (i am still in korea), but the problem was that my sister and i had forgotten korean.
we didnt go to an international school here because my dad wanted us to learn korean, and the fastest way to learn was to go to a regular school, so we did, but that gave us so much stress. especially since we were still like 13?? but yeah it gave me a lot of unneeded stress at that age, and my parents were stressing as well because of my grandpa's passing on and family issues (my family wasnt very welcomed it seems but now we are okay)
but again, i couldnt talk to anyways (same with my sis) so we couldnt make friends, until one day i realized that i could talk to kids through drawings and art so we started doodling to the kids, like if we needed a book we would draw a book and stuff etc, so yeah that helped us a bit and my sister made friends too cause she was better in art than me (i was just thankful she made friends, despite me having less friends than her but oh well)
so we were slowly getting accepted by the kids and got taught korean little by little until my sister started getting all stuck up about how she had more friends than me. at first i didnt care, cause yeah its possible for someone to have more friends than me (im the type to care about relationships in a friendship, not people-count)
but i told her just 'grats' and stuff everytime since i knew it was a first for her; but she was always so [bad word]chy to me about it and it got me so mad everytime because I DIDNT CARE, BUT SHE KEPT TELLING ME, wanting me to aknowledge that she had more friends than i did. (i got interested in people's personality and psychology in like the fourth grade? after seeing and reading this picture book about people's personalities;; cause one reminded me of my sister and i was so stressed about her personality at that time too so yeah)
but yeah we fought a lot in korea, a LOT, i got so mad at her cause i was building so much hate for her+ my stress of not being able to see my best friends back in america, family issues, everything+my sister adding onto that so i went to the bathroom (like i always do cause if i stay near her she always tries to taunt me with words and mumbles and says really stupid stuff i could care less to know) and i turned the water on and thought about it a lot and was thinking how i would just stab and kill her (i am very interested.. things like pychological/criminology/disorders/etc because i was so desperate to find out what was wrong with my sister from a young age i researched a lot) and me, being 13 and watching too many csi and other stuff, i was pretty sure i could just kill my sister and spend a few years in juvi and id be okay with that (i hated her THAT much, it wasnt just THAT time, i hated her for so long i disowned her as my 'sister' back in like the second grade, i just pretended to love her because of my parents)
well yeah i dont know how to explain clearly and i dont even know if im allowed to write this much, but if i am able to write more then please tell me that i am! i am so stressed right now because my sister left a really big bruise and scar on my face yesterday with her nails.. and id really love to write more but i think that would be selfish of me so i will stop here.. but yeah
i know im somewhat have some sort of depression or mentally ill in some way (probably.., since sometimes i think of the most gruesomest things) and i usually put all my stress into my art (i had to go to an artschool because my sister couldnt get into school, but there is some twin law thing in korea that lets you go to the same school etc) so i usually create art and characters that have something to do with killing the twin, or something really violent like making a serial killer character, and other things, so this has taken such a negative effect on me because im scared of becoming a sort of psychopath or something because of her, and i told my parents yesterday after this really big big big fight with my sister (physically and verbal fight) -- i tried to tell them everything, but i didnt want to hurt them more and they already had enough stress in their life so yeah..
this is part of the reason why i am here .. thank you so much for reading
i want to know what i should do, i really want to go to counseling with my sister but my sister refuses saying how im the only 'psycho' one (cause my characters, stories, art, interests, etc) and im really not sure what to think or do anymore.
i skipped school today after fighting with my mom because i was scared that i might try to stab my sister at school today (i hate her to this point now, even at this age) since we had a big fight and all the day before,,, so yeah.. i was crying while typing this but a part of me feels so relieved i got to type this down..! thank you so much
if i am able to email you or something (im sorry i didnt read thoroughly through the site, i am just really desperate for an answer) to tell you in more detail (like last night's fight, family issues etc.. then i would really really appreciate it if you could contact me at***@******.***) i know i am just a kid but i am scared that this will impact me and my life and i dont want anything happening to my family (it seems like something will after last night) so im just really scared