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JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
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My husband and I have been together 5 years, 3 years

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My husband and I have been together 5 years , 3 years married. My husband is a widower. His children 33 and 25 have been in and out of the house over the past 5 years. How do I approach this with my husband that I feel his children need to move on. We have not had an opportunity be newly weds. I am at my wits end . I truly don't think he is taking my needs as a wife into consideration.
JaRee1993 : Hello, My name is Ja`Ree and I am a mental health counselor. I would like to try to assist you with your question if you
Customer: Hello
JaRee1993 : How is your relationship with your husband outside of the issue with the children?
Customer: Strained . He works out of town 5 days a week . So I am missing him.
JaRee1993 : I am sure that you are missing him. Did he talk about this when you were in counseling and why only three sessions?
Customer: Yes we were able to discuss his oldest child . They moved on but his 25 year old keeps on adding classes. I agreed to one semester and now it is looking like an addition 2 more. Not having my husband here ad living with a 25yr old. That does not pay their way is frustrating
JaRee1993 : I understand why you would be feeling frustrated. Do you work outside the home and do you get along with the 25 year old. I apologize for so many questions, however, I want to get the big picture so that I can assist you with this issue
Customer: I just got a job this past week. I do get along with him in general. But I wish he was more focused on his college/ career. He does interrupt the time thatI do have with my husband. I want to be supportive. But 5 years ... come on .. I was out on my own paying my bills. I was not relying on others . I want my husband to help get him out of the house but I think he feels guilty about the death of his first wife. So he is giving his children EVERYTHING. Time money housing
JaRee1993 : Have you tried writing your feels to your husband in a letter, send it with him when he leaves for the week, ask him to read it three different days and tell him in the letter you would like to talk with him about what you wrote in the letter when he gets home. I have had clients do this because first it helps you get your feelings out, second it gives you time to read the letter and decide if you want to change anything you have said, either in what you said or in how you said it. Then it gives him time to read it and feel what he feels about what you said, when he reads it the second time he will read it a little differently and then when he reads it the third time he begins to hear what you are really saying. In your letter acknowledge you do understand his feelings about the children so that he knows you do care about his feelings and then share your feelings in a positive assertive, not aggressive manner. When he comes home give him time to relax, plan a time when you can be close to him then ask him if you can discuss the letter with him. Have a copy of the letter with him so you can remember what you said. My clients tell me that this really does work. Does this make sense?
JaRee1993 : I also wonder if it is possible for you to go with him one week when he is out of town to spend some time together when he is not working. This way the two of you would be alone and be able to begin to get to know each other as a man and a woman again and start to feel that bond between you again.
Customer: I wish I could go away with him but he is working in an unsafe area. I would not feel comfortable. I like the idea of writing. However his first wife used to do this all the time and he hated it. He commented on this the first month we were together. I feel as though he would just take it the wrong way. Right now he says " I am never satisfied" .
Customer: I wish that he would SEE me and really recognized my needs.
JaRee1993 : This all has to be very frustrating for you! Since you like the idea of writing, maybe you could journal your feelings each day to enable you to get them out. I do have my clients journal and they agree that this does help. Along with the journal, maybe you could begin seeing a counselor again to have someone on a regular basis to help you develop the skills needed to deal with the issue and find the way to talk with your husband. Maybe if you were going to counseling after a few sessions you could get him to join you since it seemed to help with his older child. Is any of this a possibility. Many times my clients would bring their journals to our session and share them with me and we would be able to address their feelings in a way that helped them work through the feelings. Do you think any of this might help?
Customer: I would be willing to try. My husband said if it costs money he will not be a part of it.
JaRee1993 : Why don't you try the journal and see if that helps. I do think you need someone you can talk to on a regular basis who will understand you feelings even if he will not go with you. It will help you deal with the issues and decide what you need to do to take care of you as well. It is not an easy situation to deal with adult children who are living with you especially when they are not yours and when you feel you have no support or understanding from your spouse.
Customer: Ok Iwill try
JaRee1993 : May I check back in with you in a couple of weeks to see how you are doing?
Customer: Sure
JaRee1993 : I will do a follow up in a couple of weeks and I wish you the best in finding someone to assist you with working through this. You do deserve to be happy. Please fill out rating scale in order to allow me to know how to best serve our customers. Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree
Customer: Thanks
JaRee1993 :

You are welcome!

JaRee1993 :

Please fill out rating scale in order to allow me to know how to best serve our customers. Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

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Hello, this is Ja`Ree and I just wanted to check in to see how things are going for you? Please let me know how you are doing. Ja`Ree

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