Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know this problem is undermining your present relationship.
Could you please tell me more about it, like for how long have you been presenting this issue during your sleep, how long have you been in current relationship, and how long ago did previous relationships ended?
Hi the first relationship or marriage was my first love I have three kids from it and was very hurt by the separation but I got over it and it was never a problem that was about 13 years ago. The second one was ended about 6 months ago and me and my love have been together now for 4 months and its wonderful first I talked about the second lady then now last night I spoke about the first one I am so afraid that it can cause mistrust and problems for my relationship I really love my baby and need to sort this out.
I was very hurt by both woman and its the only thing or things I speak of in my sleep and can it be because of the hurt or that subconsciously I'm scared it will happen again and how do I get rid of it
Please, first you need to calm down and understand that the best way to cope with it is not by increasing anxiety about it but by not focusing extra energy - concern on this incidents. Dreams do play different roles, and one of them is to allow the person to process feelings and fears from past experiences in order for the person to get some relief from the impact they had in his life.
so what are you saying exactly?
You are very aware that both relationships were very important in your life, one a long term marriage with children, and the second one very intense and ended just two months before you started this new relationship, thus the pain from it is still fresh.
The best way to approach a situation like this is by not fueling further worrying or anxiety about, neither to deny or repress your discomfort, since that would only fuel further anxiety, promoting more dreams about it.
Do not feel bad about what happened, but address it with a relaxed mind. Your current partner is understanding and supportive, isn't she?
You said you have talked about your past with her, thus I assume she's been understanding and supportive, or have you noticed a negative reaction from her because of these dreams?
she is in so many ways but she was hurt by cheaters and it raises trust issues
Remember this: the more bad you feel about the dreams, or the more you avoid or repress your discomfort about them, the more you would enable further dreams, which is exactly the opposite of what you want to achieve.
I understand, and that's why this should not be denied, avoided at all, but openly discussed between you, in order to promote further openness,s honesty and trust, intimacy and empathy in your communication. It is through your consistent actions and attitudes moment by moment that you build trust and affection, making your relationship something healthy and fulfilling, and no dream could take that away for sure. Your mind reacts to your emotions, if you get anxious because of these dreams wanting to end them this way, you would be reinforcing your fear and that would fuel further dreams. Then please do not follow that path, but relax, trust your reality and openly discuss whatever you happen top dream about bothering you, while focusing on enriching and making even more fulfilling this precious relationship you have started to build and enjoy.
So what should I do then talk to my partner about it or to someone or should I not at all and not let it bother me
Do not let it bother you at all, and trust your partner sharing with her about it, but not getting obsessed with it, and if you feel still emotionally perturbed by the dreams, vent not only with your partner but with a supportive, caring and mature relative or close friend, that way you would be releasing the emotional charge -anxiety related to it, and that would take away the fuel for further dreams.
Not talking at all about these dreams, repressing the fears-anxiety related to them will not be a healthy approach at all.
Ok thank you very much I hope it works and will try.
Both extremes are dysfunctional, namely, repressing the fears-anxiety and attaching to them bothering about the dreams and wasting your energy on them. Both would perpetuate and empower the dreams.
Whenever you have one of those dreams or anyone that happens to be unpleasant, calm down, relax, tell yourself everything is right, that it was just a dream, an illusion and focus on making of your reality and even better and more fulfilling experience, sharing with your partner that way, without hiding anything, then just do not spend more time on it.