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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Back ground info... #_Married over twenty years both under

Customer Question

Back ground info...

#_Married over twenty years both under fifty...
#_My wife used to encourage me to bring home porn but only girl on girl
She seemed repulsed or bored by any male on female porn, especially fellatio.
#_Prior to marriage we had what I thought at the time was good sex.
#_Just prior to marriage it went way down hill, stress I thought.
#_From the honeymoon on sex was somewhat satisfying at best and hurtful at best. usually resulting in fights, threats, crying and withdrawal. Non productive.
#_For most of the last twenty years, I asked, begged and pleaded to be told what I was doing wrong, how I could do better. The pat response was "if you haven't figured it out yet I'm not going to explain it" Or "I told you once (I don not recall it) i'm not going to explain it again".
#_Also my wife has always seemed to have an aversion to my genitals seeing them touching them talking about them... She also doesn't want me to see her's, breast are always off limits.
#_She used to joke about having once been a man and / or having a sexual relationship with a girl friend.

I could go an and on with even really graphic things, instead this is the status currently. The last time I tried to fix my marriage was two years ago. I got her into one marital counseling session with people from our religious denomination who work in this field as part of there ministry. Even though she agreed to try and work on things after that. It went poorly. I warmed her up by treating her with lavish doting attention for days culminating in an expensive evening out wine'd and dine'd followed my a surprise stay in a beautiful room where we had honeymooned decades earlier. everything went surprisingly well, even in foreplay she actually had some deep passionate kissing. She normally doesn't allow more than a peck without complaining that she needs to breath.
But in the end when the penis came out she went right back to the cold fish.
I saw the dread on her face and thought to go slow and easy at first, but as usual I knew she was hating every second of it so I had difficulty maintaining an erection, as again I was raping my wife....

There was some further discussion and fighting over the coming weeks...
I finally decided we would never have sex again. But my pain and anger festered.
I consciously decided to emotionally pull back from her, I try to be cold and indifferent to her as much as possible, not rude or hostile though. sometimes I can't help myself and catch myself being nice to her, I used to love to make her laugh. I've started to openly cut her off from access to money. I avoid touching her even in passing in a hall. This is now going on two years...

I have come back from the darkest part of this saga in which I was considering options ranging from divorce to suicide and murder or some combination there of.

I am a Zombie, I work at a successful business long hours and lots of caffeine...
Come home and drink to much to get to sleep (countering the coffee)...
I usually sleep maybe 4 to 6 hours getting home after shes in bed and leaving before she wakes.

Part of me still loves her...

But She is broken so we are broken...

I'm not sure where it will end. I've given up on being happy. She has watched me suffer for years and doesn't seem to care "my sexual desire are not her problem"...

You wouldn't believe how envied she has been by other women because of me...
I make really good money, I've never cheated, I don't know what else to say...

I'm not even sure what my question is...

Please can anyone give me my answer???????????????????????????
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 4 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating, hurtful, and discouraging this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring husband. You have tried for many years to make sex work in your marriage without success. I'm truly so sorry this has happened.

You write that you're not even sure what your question is. I can imagine this being the case. And I think it's that way because you know what all the questions are and it's pretty clear you know what all the answers are. The doubts you have do not seem to be doubts about information--you have all the knowledge available to have about this: your wife has a very deep seated psychological problem relating to male genitals and male/female sexuality. You know also that "regular" methods will not alleviate the problem(s). You also know that she is not willing to undergo the intensive psychotherapy with a psychologist that would be required to get to the heart of this aversion and to treat it and move past it.

No, your questions aren't about knowledge; they're about decisions and course of action. And that is so painful because you know what your options are as well. You are clearly a moral and good man and you are struggling to decide what course of action to take in your life. You are weighing the deterioration of your own life that you are experiencing by trying to maintain the status quo. This is painful just to read as you write it. The alcoholism you sense will continue and may become worse. And you sense an emotional numbing happening to you. This, by the way, is part of alcoholism as well as your marital situation.

So your question is what to do? How to regain your life? I think you know the answer(s) but you are unsure. I don't know if the uncertainty is because of religious concerns, inertia, your genuine love for your wife and fear for how she might be affected by your decisions and actions, or some other factor(s).

I can't make the decisions for you, but I can tell you that there is no easy decision, as you know. But that you do have a right to your own life. The great parable of our age is that before the plane takes off the stewardess warns us that in case of loss of cabin pressure, first put on your mask and only then put on the mask of loved ones. Why?

Because, the parable is telling us, if we are not healthy and taking care of ourselves, we are not going to be able to help others.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 4 years ago.
Hi. You've replied to me but you've given a bad rating. As you can imagine, bad ratings are very destructive to online professionals. So, I'm not sure how to help you. You wrote that you are not sure what your question is and so I attempted to help you clarify your thinking so that you would be clearer on what your options are at this time. I'm sorry that you found this to be unhelpful.

But, again, as you have replied to me, in what way can I help you so that you might consider changing the rating?

What questions might my reply help you to ask me so that we can together help you find the direction you are looking for?

Dr. Mark

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