Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Hi there! My name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist. I hope to be of some assistance to you this evening. First, let me say that I am so sorry you have had to deal with such a complicated situation.
I can completely understand the pain and anger that seeing him or having to hear about him triggers for you. It is like you said; he continues to have this power over you even in separation. I am thinking that the key to this is going to be changing your self-talk to positive, affirming messages that you can remind yourself of anytime you get triggered.
What is true for you? Do you think that karma exists? The whole "what goes around comes around" idea? Accepting that there is nothing or no person who will ever change him or your past; however, that his turn will come eventually and when it does, it will be long overdue! Sometimes, this type of thinking can calm your anger somewhat.
You can remind yourself that you are safe now, as you made a healthy choice to extricate yourself from the grips of an very unhealthy relationship, and that you are allowing yourself to slide back in by holding on to the angry feelings. You are actually harming yourself more than you could ever harm him with the anger. When these feelings arise, picture a bright red stop sign popping up in your vision, and practice thought-stopping... and replace the anger with a deep breath and a firm reminder to yourself that you will not allow this man to have any power over you in this fashion. And then, remind yourself that you are safe and cared about and you will be just fine.
This separation was brave and difficult, and I say be very proud of yourself. You deserve so much better, and being kind to yourself and not focusing on the anger will help you to heal. He didn't know how to take care of the love of a trusting, honest person like you, and he will continue to hurt people and use people, but now you won't be one of them.
I am attaching an excellent series of articles about narcissistic people and how to cope with divorcing them: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/category/divorcing-your-narcissist/ I hope that this gives you some comfort, and can encourage you to take your power back on a daily basis. Life will get easier and better with time, and just counter each triggering event with some type of positive and empowering thinking, and know that these things have a funny way of coming full circle when you least expect them to. Just trust the journey, sit back and wait.
I wish you all the very best as you wade through this temporary situation; it won't last forever, and once you gather up tools to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with loving thoughts toward yourself, the anger will lose it's power. Let me know if you'd like to continue the chat or need more from the answer--- I am happy to continue working with you until you feel satisfied with the answer. Thank you for using the site, and I just know that you are going to make it through! :-)