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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I recently started talking to a woman who is also a

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I recently started talking to a woman who is also a counselor. She is wanting to get her Phd in psychology sometime and do research. Anyway, I met her on eharmony. We messaged back and forth for 2 or 3 days, then I asked for her number. She gives it to me and tells me that she will be at a bar with her friends from 9 to 12 that evening. I just moved to this town 4 months ago and I don't go to bars. So I have no clue where this place is. I looked it up on my phone and it only gave me an address. It has no markings on the outside of the building and it is in the basement of this building.
I told her that I didn't know her and that I wasn't sure about meeting at a bar on Wednesday night in downtown. She said "we will never know each other in less we meet". This was followed by "No worries. I don't put out on the first meet up".
So I told her that I have put on a little weight and have a lot of chest hair. She replied "what if I have chest hair?"
I left around 10:30 to go to this bar. I told her that and never got a response. Then I said "hello" through a text because she hasn't responded. I got to the downtown area 20 minutes later and I couldn't find this place. And still no word from her. So I called her. No answer. Called again a few minutes later, still driving around trying to locate this basement bar. So I drove back home. She texted me on the way back saying she was at this basement bar and that she had bad reception and that she was drunk.
I was really confused about this whole thing so I expressed it with her in a text.
I have ocd/anxiety. I have sat across from a few different counselors in the past 14 years. I have had some ups and downs for sure. I see a psychiatrist regularly and he recently had me do a genetic test to see what medicines would be best for me. So I am trying to say that relationships have been without a doubt very hard for me. I have talked about girls and sex with a therapist many of times. I have had more female counselors than male.
So I am having a hard time with this girl because she hasn't talked to me again. She acted like it was my fault. I guess it was in some ways. But I'm having a hard time with this because I have worked with counselors for a long time and I've never heard them say anything about bars being a good thing. Did I over-react? I feel terrible because I have looked up to therapists for advice for years. And it hurts because she seemed like she didn't care that I was lost and trying to find her or that I even made an effort. She said she was drunk. I felt like she was playing games with me. And that really got to me.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a sensitive young man and you are very caring; you want to be sincere with the women you seek to have a relationship with and you want them to be sincere with you. These are excellent attributes you have. But it really appears that the person you were texting does not share your values and sensitivity.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about.

I am rather glad that you weren't able to hook up with her. I am actually surprised that she is on e-harmony. That site is usually very careful about the people it matches. What I mean is this:

Let's look at what she revealed about herself in the exchanges you had with her:

What was her intention in wanting to have a first meet at a basement bar downtown? That's more like an underworld type of life, not an e-harmony type of meet-up. Next, she's drunk. If her intention of inviting you was to meet you based on e-harmony's stated principles, this is very, very counter those principles. To be drunk on the first meet-up is not a good sign for you to receive. Then, she makes fun of your attempt to share some of your uncertainties with her. This is very much NOT like someone going for a PhD in psychology! It was definitely not kind, sensitive, or nice.

So, everything is pointing to something not being "what you see is what you get" about this person. And that's why I'm glad you didn't actually find the place. I'm not sure what kind of place it was, but it doesn't sound like an upstanding business.

Therefore, I want you to discuss in your therapy this: you were acting in good faith and wanting to believe good about the other person. This person, though, was sending lots of messages that she wasn't a kind, nice person like you were seeking. And here's the important part: you seemed to pick up well that there were warning bells here. And you need to trust your warning bells. That's the part I'd like you to work on with your therapist. You had good instincts and you need to be confident in following them.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I want to hear a woman's opinion.

Good Morning! My name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist... I am happy to give you my answer to your question this morning! I can understand your feelings; you were uncomfortable with the meeting place, time and circumstances, but you went along with them in an effort to connect with her. I can see where you may have shown some outward anxiety about it and it could be possible that she just wasn't in a state of mind to help someone find their way that night. It sounded as if she was meeting others as well, and they were blowing off some steam by having cocktails together. It also sounds as if she was looking to meet you in a casual, public place that she feels comfortable in, yet, this is outside of your comfort zone... and that is not a bad thing, just a fact. The communication between you both from the start was not very clear--- both of your messages were not being understood well by the other, and and quite possibly, since you admit to having some anxiety issues, when you demonstrated anxiety by sharing your insecurities about your body immediately before she even had the chance to meet you in person yet, maybe it kind of turned her off? Confidence is attractive to others when meeting at the start of a relationship... maybe she sensed you were feeling insecure, and she wasn't in the right frame of mind to offer someone else reassurance or security about their body image? Just taking some guesses as to what her motivation may have been.

What I wonder is if you can simply tell yourself that neither of you is "wrong", you just weren't going to be very compatible in your communication styles, interests or comfort zones? What would be the good of forcing a fit where there naturally wouldn't be one? If you know who you are and are confident in the fact that you prefer not to hang out at basement bars, you never have to accept an offer to do so. Be who you are, and know that the right person will show up into your life soon. As my grandmother always said, she is "right around the corner"! And until then, grow stronger and more confident in who YOU are. Find the things you enjoy, wear what you like to wear, go where you like to go... and once you start to feel more and more secure in who you are, you will be even more ready to meet the woman of your dreams! There is no perfection in any of us, but we all have great attributes that make us special and who we are. Next time you are meeting someone, rather than calling attention to things you are insecure about, flip that thought on it's back. Call attention to your attributes instead... and focus your thoughts on those. You have many great qualities; keep your focus on how much you have to offer and see the difference it makes!

I hope that I gave you some food for thought this morning; I will check back later to see if you found any of it helpful or if you'd like to chat further--- I will continue to work with you until you feel satisfied with the answer. Thank you for using the site, and I wish you all the best in your search for harmony! :-)

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

her profile said she wanted someone sexually knowledgable.

that was what you were looking for, too? Or did you hope that maybe you would connect sexually, and the rest might follow? I'd like to better understand how the situation has affected you now, and what type of advice or information you are hoping for; for instance, was her comment about the hook-up on the first date because you were meeting solely for a sexual relationship? Or were you searching for love? I will check back again when I am able to--- I want to be able to offer you some reassurance or suggestions so that you feel satisfied with our conversation. From what I am gathering now, it seems that the text messages and other communications just got off on the wrong foot, and no one is really to blame. I will check back again soon; if not tonight, then tomorrow!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I'm honestly fine if she was after a hook-up, and I wouldn't have been bothered if she was looking for "love". Whatever that is.

I think that bar is there so people in there don't get noticed. After all its called the Cellar Dweller. And she goes there weekly.

I understand that therapists are people too, they have needs, they don't want to be a therapist when not in their office.....

I couldn't find the place and I was trying to get her to tell me where it was. She never messaged back. Then when I was driving back home she said she was drunk and at the bar. I was a little unhappy at this point. I had to be up early the next morning and I have a hard time waking up. I told her that hurt that I drove 20 minutes to be at this bar and another 20 looking for it. Meanwhile she is getting trashed and apparently not worried if I show up or not. I said that she was a therapist and that it hurt even more that a therapist was acting this way toward me. After that she said "whoa. back off". She apparently had service then, and was sober enough to tell me to back off. I was scared to be driving around downtown at 11:00 at night looking for a drunk girl in a basement bar. I know therapists want to let loose and not worry like everyone else.

I said I was sorry the next day and asked her if she wanted to talk to me. I got no response. I told her I wasn't used to girls being that foward with me and that it confused me. No response.

Do a lot of therapists act this way in their private lives?

I thought she would have been just a little understanding of me being just a little cautious. Apparently she wants a sexually knowledgable guy to take care of her needs.

The way she was playing the game goes against everything I have ever been told in therapy before. Therapists have told me not to go to bars and to be careful when you first meet someone.

You ask, do a lot of therapists act this way in their private lives? Meaning do we hang out in dark places and drink heavily and ignore other's needs? I can't truly answer that one. We all have our ways of socializing and releasing stress and such; I can't really say that it is common or not, and I have never met the one you speak of, but many of us just look for the balance in life, I suppose. A little fun, a little work, and a sometimes the pendulum swings more strongly in one direction or the other. But let's not try to figure her out so much anymore--- let's see if we can identify what triggered you.
From my vantage point, I think the triggers were: being led (and making the choice to go) in a direction you felt was unsafe based on advice from others you have trusted in the past, then being abandoned by someone you wanted to trust (although you really didn't have enough information about her to trust her just yet), being firmly and somewhat coldly rejected and ignored after expressing your feelings, and now trying to pick yourself up and put yourself back together.
I always say, "look for the lesson" whenever life gives me a little wake-up call like this one. So, if you can learn something from this experience, what would it be? Maybe you have learned that you might try holding back on sharing personal anxieties with someone before you truly have developed a trusting, reciprocal relationship with a woman over time? Get to know someone by discussing casual, simple subjects first--- hobbies, travel experiences, education, local issues, where you grew up, etc. as opposed to very personal things? Maybe it might be to follow your intuition and when it gives you a warning signal, to stop and consider it? Maybe it might be that you put a great deal of trust in therapists and that now you know that there are some in the world that don't always practice what they preach, you might want to put more trust in yourself and your own inner voice as first priority, and in ours next? Only you will know what the lesson is, and lessons like these sting, but are necessary to our growth as people.
You sound like a wonderful, gentle, kind and caring person. You had a run-in with someone who has a much harsher exterior (we don't really know much about her interior) than you do. Your challenge is to tell yourself that her reaction says more about her than it does about you, and that you will grow from this experience, use it as a learning tool, and move on. We have no power to change anyone but ourselves--- and so don't give her anymore of your power by ruminating over her any longer. Live, learn from things, and then move on. As the wise fish Nemo said, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" There are too many fish in this big sea to lose anymore sleep over this one with a sharp stinging bite! She is behind you now, and the whole sea is in front of you!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i tried to talk to her the next day, but she never responded. im not heartbroken. im freaked. and then she expects me to brave up and go. i dont care if she acts like she is from amsterdam. dont try and manipulate me.

Right! So, you can be angry at her for her insensitivity and casual approach, and the next time you get an invitation to meet up with a woman you find appealing, I say make it on terms in which you are comfortable and alone together at a lunch or something. That way, you won't be walking into a situation where you are at a loss of power from the start. And, use caution in protecting yourself--- you never know who a person really is, and anyone in any profession is capable of being less than professional. You already know that doctors are accused of malpractice, lawyers act illegally, etc... any one can be less than their position in life. Just use caution and don't assume that people will act congruently with their career choice. A sad fact, but true nonetheless. :-(
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

well i figured out i am mad at myself. i feel inadequate because i couldnt figure out her needs and style. she apparently wants a 50 shades of grey type guy. and im not experienced enough to know. once again a womans sex life is most important to her these days. they just dont admit it.

Totally understandable, however, I don't see that as inadequate. How were you really supposed to know that from such limited contact? You never even met her. Forgive yourself. You tried to connect with someone who clearly was not your type... you've got to live to learn!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

yeah but i want to. its lonely being me and she didnt care.

Did you have an expectation that just was left unfulfilled? You thought she should care, but you know that would be an unreasonable thing to expect from a stranger... maybe from someone you know, but even then maybe not, as we can only control our own actions and behavior and never that of others. So, how will you soothe your bruised-up heart now?
Here are a couple of links with some good advice that may help you to manage through dealing with rejection in the dating process, and remember, you are NOT alone in dealing with this! It is way more common than you might prefer to believe! :-)
I hope you find something here that might help! :-)
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you so much for the positive rating & bonus; it was a pleasure working with you and I wish you all the very best!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
What do you think about the Jodi arias case?
I haven't been following it...
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
What do you think about the modern gender roles of men and women? More specifically, the romantic gender roles. Women are doing the one-night-stand just like men. Women like the casual sex just like men. But it seems like women use this power against men too. I just read an article about women liking the control over men when they have guys calling them to meet or hook-up. And then they seem really turned off by an inexperienced male. They don't care about a guys feelings. One told me they didn't care if I was sweet and that I had to be funny. So I told her I want a girl who will make me laugh. And asked her if she was funny.
The women's liberation movement opened up the confidence factor and the idea that women could fulfill their own needs and follow their own dreams, and things have progressed in a very positive direction in America ever since for women. There are people of both sexes with selfish tendencies, and an old saying points to the idea that we attract what we ARE at that moment in time... and at some points in life, this idea can be a real educational tool for personal insight, both about others and also about ourselves. More food for thought, I guess!
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you