I am in love with a passive-aggressive man I believe. I am 33, he is a 42-year-old musician.
I met him over a year ago, and when we met, sparks were flying. It was an amazing feeling, and we were addicted to each other, so it seemed. We are so very much alike, and suffer from similar emotional/childhood abuse issues. At times we could see right through each other. We cried together, and shared each other's pain. How glorious it felt to finally meet someone that understood me. We became extremely close, and spent alot of time together. Holding each other was peaceful. He told me that I was his best friend, his twin soul. I felt that I met my soulmate, and that we could go through this crazy life together and continue to heal. We moved in together after two months. I met his father, and after speaking with his mother over the phone, we planned a trip out of state for me to meet her. I felt special because his father told me that I was the first woman he has ever wanted him to meet. The chemistry was awesome, and I made plans for him to meet my family as well. Our convos were easy like Sunday morning, and he introduced me to all of his closest friends. He told me that i was beautiful and that he loved me everyday. Because he was 9 years my senior, I admired/looked up to him. He taught me some pretty cool things. I was in complete awe.
But as months passed, I began to come down from the high. I didn't focus on real concerns and issues at first. I did
SO MUCH for this guy, I was there for him emotionally and financially since his music career wasn't paying off well. He provided financially when he did get money, but my contributions to our household outweighed his by far. I cared so deeply for him and just overlooked it. It started to become too much for me. My frustration grew. His lack of affection, communication, and emotional distance started to increase. It was like if I stayed on his good side, things were great, but if I had a complaint, I was punished using coldness and distance. He started telling me that I was way too serious, and that he wanted peace. I wanted him to communicate better and help me with my load. I grew more and more frustrated and hurt by his coldness. I also wanted him to be a better parent to his daughter. Trying to talk to him was like talking to a brick wall. It was so very painful. I began to see the truth, that he was not responsible, very paranoid, emotionally immature, and lived to play the victim role. One night I snapped, and slapped him out of anger and frustration. He hit me back, and we both looked at each other in shock. I went into rage, and attacked him. He pinned me down this time until I stopped and calmed down. I grew numb. A neighbor heard us fighting, the police came, and he went to stay at a friend's house while I moved out. I was ashamed, hurt, and shocked about what just happened. According to one of his friends, he was too. I knew that it was no longer safe, so I removed myself from the situation, and haven't seen him since that night. This happened over a year ago.
I am managing to pick myself back up. I am going back to school, and trying to work on myself. I have tried very hard to make sense of all of this using online resources and family support. His father and I have also became very close during this time. My ex stopped talking to his father once this happened. His father tried to reach out, and he avoids him for having something to do with me. His father has gotten on to me for me slapping his son, but is also dissappointed in how his son is handling the situation. He knows that I am a good person, and has been there for me. He has been the only father figure that I have ever known, but I never wanted to come in between them having a good relationship. Their relationship hasn't always been good, so that helps me to see that I am not the real problem.
After all of this time, my ex continues to be subliminal and childish on Facebook, labeling me as evil on status messages, blocking both his father and I twice, making music videos with images of us with our eyeballs cut out like we are the devil. Sometimes he talks on a channel that I feel he uses to try to express himself. He looks so angry and confused. I can tell he is miserable, and misses his father even though he acts arrogant and like he doesn't. And he knows that I am not evil deep down. I did way too much for him. After another recent post about me, I emailed him to tell him to stop, and that he had issues and needed to grow up to be happier. I told him that I see right through him, and to call me to talk, but no response.
I pray, and have been told to move on, but I am having a hard time letting go. It's like he is doing alot of acting, and we still have this strange addiction to one another after a year of no contact. I feel bad, and I want peace with him. Can he even be helped? Why do I care so deeply still? Please tell me, in your expert opinion, am I wasting my time?