Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health
This answer was rated:

My significant other and I have been together for the past 8

months and for the first...
My significant other and I have been together for the past 8 months and for the first 6 it was perfect. Around late january she began looking for problems in the relationship but couldn't find any. She would then come to terms with the fact that its perfect and apologize to me for being crazy. We literally never fight, with the exception of the occasional argument over something silly. About 6 weeks later the same problem had surfaced once more and she began to refer to it as " cold feet ". She would tell me that she feels like i would some day down the line wish to revert to my single life and no longer want to be with her which is nowhere near true. I have lived an EXTREMELY eventful and reckless life and have my and maybe even 10 men's fair share of women which makes me understand so much more how important this woman is to me. Before me she was in an extremely abusive relationship where her BF would do nothing but her make her feel bad about herself, beat her, and cheat on her. Meanwhile she always forgave him and gave him another chance. This went on for TWO YEARS!! After her friends brought her to her senses she cut him off. Once her and I met we hit it off almost instantly. We hung out each and every single day for 3 months straight! I kept it real with her from the very beginning and she did the same. She told me about the abuse from her last boyfriend and that she was past it. She had about 2 and a half years to get past what her ex did to her and it now surfaced that she did nothing more than suppress it. 3 Days ago she broke up with me because she " wants to save me from herself" she told me shes been fighting her inhibitions for the last 3 months of our relationship but just cant help that she cant trust Men because of her ex and her father who abandoned her after repeatedly cheated on her mother for 13 years. We broke up on good terms because more than just being her boyfriend, i was her best friend, her diary. We established that we would be each others best friend and for the last 2 days its been alright. On a side note, in between me and her ex, she "dated" a few guys that she purposely got to develop feelings for her and then shot them down. As much as i want to help her for US i want to just see her happy. For the last few months i haven't seen the smile that i fell in love with and just cant help but want to help her. I totally understand that there is nothing i can do directly but be a good friend to her till she can get her head on straight. She said to me that she doesnt wanna be in a relationship where she cant FULLY trust me. She doesnt wanna be single she just wants to be alone. She doesnt understand that she cant get past this on her own. She had 2 years to try and all she could do is suppress it. And all that is going to happen if i walk away is she will suppress it again and the cycle will start all over. The thing is that shes never been in a position where she was just friends with someone she was in love with. I am the 2nd person shes gotten in this deep with, but i know that deep down all her mind can do is feel like im lulling her into a state of comfort then getting ready to hurt her. I would love nothing more than to see the love of my life happy and in a healthy mental state.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 9 minutes by:
5/5/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your girlfriend has been very traumatized and is behaving exactly as a traumatized woman does.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She may have Borderline Personality Disorder or posttraumatic stress, but she is not able to trust yet.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may be the best thing that has happened to her in years, but if you want to be with her you will have to be very very patient.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will have to win her trust and put up with the fact that she is very emotionally wounded.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i understand

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

at the moment she just wants me as a best friend

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It sounds that being her best friend is the way back to win her trust.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

should i just keep treading lightly and showing her that i am a trustworthy person

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

ok

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Absolutely.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are a man of the world and of great experience, even if you are young.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have paid some dues and understand life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you want her, stay there, take it slowly, and you will stay in her life.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

one last thing as well

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

we were together yesterday

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She can dump a boyfriend but can't dump a best friend.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i picked her up from work

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

and we were talking about love

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

and how you can never UN- love someone after you start

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

(Scary for her)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

true

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

and her ex boyfriend, the one that caused all the damaged came up

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

and she was telling me about how he will always have a place in her heart because no matter how much bad he did, there were times where there was lots of good which caused her to fall in love obviously

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

her girl friend asked her the other day, if he wasnt such a bad person till this day would you take him back, and she said she would

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

which is understandable because he was her first everything

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i just want her to see that im nothing like that man

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She will have to let him fade away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are not like him and you will take over that empty space in her heart once she lets you in.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His memory is just a place-holder.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She needs YOU.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

what about therapy?

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

as much as i want to be there for her, and as much as i do know, theres so much that i dont

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The best kind of therapy for her would be what you call dialectical behavior therapy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I can give you a link to a great self-help DBT workbook.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Give me a moment:

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

please, and thank you

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How old is she? Here is one book.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she is 20

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she was with that man for 2 years

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


This book is age appropriate for her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She needs to get her trust back and this book - and YOU - will help her do that.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

is it for me to read and implement upon her or her to read?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Both of you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have a book for her too.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does she ever hurt herself?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Physically?

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

no, not physically

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she tends to bottle her emotions and go "numb" as she refers to it

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

which i sometimes think is worse

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

When she learns to trust she will open up.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does she have mood swings?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does she get very angry?

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

yes

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she gets very angry and says things she doesnt mean

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I will recommend this book for her.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

if she ever feels like her anger is about to get the best of her, she leaves me, and either goes to her house if we are at my place, or just goes for a walk

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is trying so very hard. She is a good person, I can tell.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is the book:

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

now i have one problem left in all of this

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Yes, what is it?

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

as much as i love her and care about her, i cant look her in the face and hand her books like this

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

its not awkward, i feel almost as if its a slap in the face

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then get them for yourself.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

it would almost hurt me to give them to her

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i dont want her to feel offended

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I understand where you are coming from.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And she is VERY prone to being rejected or feeling abandoned.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is a book for YOU instead:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have two choices:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your ... by Shari Y. Manning PhD and Marsha M. Linehan PhD ABPP

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


or

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


These books will help YOU to help her and she will be none the wiser.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

Thank you so much

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep both of you in my prayers.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i am considering going to her mothers work place and attempting to implement this through her mom because her mom is like her best friend as well

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

what do you think

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

As long as it doesn't backfire and cause you grief.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

in what sense?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That her mother says something to her making her angry with you or thinking that you are rejecting her.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

well we've gone on breaks before, but she broke up with me as in ended the relationship as a whole 3 days ago

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is on a hair-trigger sometimes, I believe.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i understand

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you great success.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

should i give it some time before i start trying to "help" her?

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

or should i just act now

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Just continue to be her friend and accept her uncritically. Watch out for those hidden triggers. They are hard to avoid because she will be looking for them. Innocent words can be misconstrued. It is like walking on eggshells, you understand.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

yes! i actually used that analogy to her

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you know that phrase is used in several books that deal with BPD.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i told her that we are both standing on glass, except that she is barefoot. and that we cant clean the glass up unless we both step back

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Another GREAT book is

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

ok

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That was a good metaphor that you told her.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

it's impossible to overcome something like this alone isnt it?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is better with help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is best with unconditional love given to her so that she regains trust.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

what do i do when she tries to keep pushing me away

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

because she tells me that she pushes me away for my own good

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell her to remember that you are now friends, and it doesn't work that way for friends.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she tends to try and dodge things like this

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

thats the whole problem

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

she'll either say why are you always trying to talk about stuff like this, or she'll hear me out then it'll go in one ear and out the other

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You either keep riding the big waves or you jump ship. Don't have discussions with her about this. Just enjoy your time together.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i want to have the knowledge to cut through her stubborn exterior and nurture her true kind soul

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That's easy. Use action, gentle body language, and forget the words. Don't try to talk to her about things.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Don't give her advice, just companionship and friendship.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i understand

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you give her advice or suggestions then you are telling her she is not OK the way she is.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She knows that herself. She just wants you to accept her.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

yeah, thats exactly what i dont want to do

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i dont want to make her feel like im aware shes damaged and i want her fixed

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Keep loving her unconditionally and she will improve and you will win her trust. It is a tough job but you are the guy for it, I believe.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i most definitely will!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you great success.

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

thank you for everything

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are very welcome. You are a good guy !

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i appreciate it

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

:)

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

i just hope i can be mature and well collected enough to show her that

JACUSTOMER-2ry3vjw4- :

have a nice day!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that you are.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You too ! ! ! !

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Thank you. ***** bless the both of you. Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

4,021 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back
My ex did gay porn but swears he's not gay.. he's so back and forth with me.. he was addicted to oxy I love him but he's so closed off… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I
I keep thinking about what I did when I was younger, when I was about 6 I remeber like kissing almost making out with my two sisters, they were 5 and 4 then later when I was about 14-15 I developed la… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in
I am having terrible guilt and shame about things I did in my past which have suddenly come to my consciousness - when I was about 16 I was extremely sexual and ended up sniffing knickers on a number … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the
Hi Leah,I had a question I did get to mention yesterday..the thread was getting a bit to long anyway lol… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but
I did ask a male professional earlier about my problem, but it would be great to get a female psychologists view also. My husband and I have not had sex in 6 years. He had a mild stroke 5 years ago, b… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
My husband call me a, he did it today. I told him under no
My husband call me a bitch, he did it today. I told him under no circumstances do you have the right to call a woman a bitch. He also tells me that I am miserable. Everytime he starts a fight. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some
its kind of imbarrising.. I did realize I could chat to some one on here … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one
My doctor switched me from sertraline to viibryd. I did one week of 10 mg, then 2 weeks of 20 mg, now back to 10mg so I can switch back to sertraline. I don't like viibryd. How can I safely switch bac… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
204 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not
Dear Dr. Keane, just a quick message to say that I did not get that job, enough time has passed by to now know this. I've plenty to say, but not plenty of time this week as my gran is now visiting, so… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet
I have a friend who says she has DID but she doesn't meet the criteria. Her alters are dead people. Mostly characters from Movies or Musicals like Phantom of the Opera. Would this behavior be a sympto… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did
Why some people get angry if other people point out they did wrong things? I would think when people know they did wrong things they should feel sorry and try to correct. Thanks.… read more
llw26
llw26
Private Practice
Doctoral Degree
11 satisfied customers
Dear Dr. Keane, I did what you suggested about my dad.
Dear Dr. Keane,I did what you suggested about my dad. Actually, I spoke to my mum too and she's right, it just is not his kind of thing, to get support. You were right, when I initially brought up the… read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Therapist
Doctoral Degree
1,379 satisfied customers
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with
Thank you. I did download a book about a little boy with autism, from the perspective of an autistic child, but it turned out to be 64 pages long and just a little too grown up -- even though it menti… read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife
My husband lied to me about his. He did cheat on his ex-wife after all. Now he says I am sticking my nose into his business. … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being
My wife and I did some role reversal consisting of her being dominant. Domestic discipline and domination. SometiMrs she makes me wear panties. I find embarrassing but arousing too. The whole mentalk … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other
have DID. totally dissociated for the first time the other day in therapy and embarrassed self. now terrified to face therapist again. any ideas how to calm anxiety and face therapist?… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
Master's Degree
4,021 satisfied customers
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the
I've been having serious guilt over something I did in the past. It all triggered when I saw a kid that used to live on my street. I'm 18 now. At the time of incident I was about 11/12 and the kid was… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
794 satisfied customers
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I
I did a no no and tried to look up articles about what I have and how pure O can sometimes be misdiagnosed as pedophila! Well I read a comment where one person says even if they've had these thoughts … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
767 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x