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My boyfriend has always wanted kids and I never have. I

really want to be with...
My boyfriend has always wanted kids and I never have. I really want to be with him, and in the past year or two I've been considering whether or not this is something that I could change my mind about. I feel like if I did have kids, I would be a good mom, but this has never been one of my life goals. How do I know whether or not I should do this?
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Answered in 10 minutes by:
5/4/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Just by asking the question you indicated that you are not ready to be a mom. As you said, you would probably be a good one, just because you had a good role model in your own mom, I assume.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may have other goals to pursue or challenges to meet before you are ready, and you may wish to continue in a career that is not conducive to being a parent.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The difference in attitudes or goals between you and your boyfriend may be significant enough to cause a rift or breakup with him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you can continue this relationship without expectations or pressure for you to change your mind, then you can continue to let life unfold and see what changes it brings to you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If this is a deal-breaker with him, then it will have to be that way. You should not feel obligated to become a mother unless your heart is completely in it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The best course of action is to continue as before, being honest with your boyfriend if he asks. If he is willing stand by you no matter what then you can continue the relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he has his heart set on a family with children, then you two may have to go your separate ways.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In the meanwhile, just take one day at a time.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

My prayers are with the both of you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC\

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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

You're right, I do have other goals and challenges, but perhaps I could achieve my goals while parenting, right? Being a parent is so much work and responsibility, but what if I regret not having kids when I'm older?

You are very right about that. What I was thinking about was not a very long distance into the future. It seems, because you are asking the question, and now, with your reaction to my first answer, that this is something that you are already considering.

Many women become mothers and also have careers and pursue them at the same time, particularly now when there are many jobs that allow some work from home.

Most mothers are very satisfied with their roles as mothers, and have many inborn instincts that prepare them for the role. Many women who do not have children regret it and feel unfulfilled.

For some it is politically correct to delay motherhood, or skip it altogether, but that doesn't mean that women who follow this line are actually satisfied with their decision.

I have a feeling that you will opt for motherhood sooner or later.

Whatever your decision, I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I'm confused. First you said that I shouldn't have kids and now you're saying I should? How do I find the right answer for me?

Dear friend,

My job as a therapist is to help you find the right answer for yourself by talking to you. It is not up to me to decide whether or not you should have children, or whether you should have them now or later on.

I talk to you and you give me clues to your thinking and attitudes. I have to reflect them back to you to help you understand what your best course of action is.

In your original question you seemed hesitant about it, which means you are not ready. Then you came back saying that perhaps you could achieve your goals as well as be a parent. That is true as well. You have mixed feelings.

You seem to want to become a mother someday but are not ready yet. But you indicate that perhaps you will be.

Many women in your position share similar mixed feelings. You should wait until you are certain. You will know when that time times. You are still young and do not have to decide in a few weeks. You need to see both sides of the picture, and then make your decision for yourself.

I am not saying that you should not have children but you don't seem to be ready yet but you seem that you are moving in that direction. All I have tried to say is that you wait until you are sure and then start trying.

I am sure that you understand that this is a personal decision that you should not make until you feel ready.

I do believe that you will be in the future, but I certainly can not tell you when. Please have faith in yourself and your ability to know when you are ready and fully committed.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
7,664 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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