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Ask Dr. Kaushik Your Own Question
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4673
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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My husband appears to not have any desire for me. Our

Customer Question

My husband appears to not have any sexual desire for me. Our connection in bed is very weak. What should I do? We just had our one year anniversary and our sex life is horrible and it seems to continue to get worse. He's 31 and I'm 23. I desire sex consistently, but we only have sex maybe 3 times a month base on his work schedule and time off. We do not have any surprises or romance to change things around. Everything is based on his schedule and mood swing . I really need advice. I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you so much for your time.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Hi there,

Welcome to Just answer !

I am sorry to learn about your situation and I empathize with you since sexual intimacy is as important a part of marriage as is emotional connect. So you are quite justified in feeling neglected and sex deprived when your husband's libido is on the decline.

Please kindly take some time and introspect whether it is work related stress that has lead to decline in his sex drive / libido ?

Does he still feel attracted towards you , have you asked him that ?

Is there someone else that has come along in his life without your knowledge but now you are beginning to question that as the reason behind his poor sex drive ?

These are some questions which you need to ask yourself and then answer to me.

I will get back to you once you reply to my queries.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My husband is currently working full time and going to school full time. (he's working on two master degrees). He's a hard worker. He appears to be very faithful and truthful to me. He tells me he loves me. When I asked him if he still finds me attractive, he said yes. But he does show his affection in other ways, such as providing me comfort on a stressful day. I tell him everything and he tells me everything. We appear to have a good level of communication. Honestly, I'm very blessed to have this man as my husband. We have a lot in common, such as taste in food and choices people should make throughout life, etc.

The only issue I can't manage is the lack of sexually attention between us. In the past year or so, I've always blamed his job for increasing his stress level. His school is definitely not helping with the situation. He have expressed his stress level to me. I know he takes his work home with him mentally. He mentally can not let go of his work on a week day. He's a very passionate man. When I confronted him, he said he does not want to physically go through the motion (of having sex). He wants to mentally and physically be there when we do make love. It sounds very sweet.Unfortunately, the passion/ pleasure / connection is not there. I do not feel it. I'm not trying to complain how bad he is in bed, but he only lasts 5 to 10 minutes each time, 20 minutes if I get lucky. I honestly do not want to sound like an ungrateful women. I've waited for his stress level to go down, but there will always be stress in life. How am I suppose to cope this lack of passion in bed?

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Will he be amenable to try out a stress relieving anti depressant drug which also can actually up his libido and performance in bed ?

Have you considered seeking sex therapy as a couple from a sexologist to learn methods to make the sex session long lasting and equally enjoyable ?

I will get back to you once you reply to my queries.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Will the drugs really help? I do not like the idea that I need to drug my husband so he can have more sexual desire toward me? Do you think he's depressed? I don't think he'll like the idea of sex therapy. The idea would insult him. Is there anything else I can do?

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Well I can understand your sentiments and your dilemma regarding use of the drug and therapy. Well you see it has been nearly one year ever since his libido has been on the decline and I am sure you must have tried lots of strategies on a personal level to make the sessions more long lasting and fulfilling , but to no avail , in fact his libido has nose dived over the span of past months. This means that the problem lies in his mind which could be attributable to stress as in most cases of poor and deficient sex liaisons , stress comes out as one of the leading factors responsible for the loss of libido , besides this by your ow admission his life is full of work so much so that he brings work at home , in other words he is bringing stress to home which will automatically wear down his sex drive and enthusiasm . So all in all the remedy to a fruitful long lasting sex lies in allaying his stress and if this can be done with the help of a drug then I am sure he as well as you can give it a try. If mentioning therapy to him can insult his ego then at least try the stress relieving anti depressant and see for yourself if the drug has worked for him after 3-4 weeks of use .

So I reckon you take some time to first make yourself understand that if taking a pill that too temporarily over span of few weeks can bring back your husband's libido plus provide him better stress free quality of life then there should not be any form of resistance to it , more so when the drug is safe. So I suggest that you ask your husband to ask his doctor to get him started on wellbutrin/ zyban ( bupropion extended release ) at a modest dose of 150 mg once a day in the morning. The dose shall be raised to 300 mg once a day as per the need.Kindly discuss this with him and ask him to counter check this drug with his family doctor for it's usage in relieving stress and encouraging libido.

Other than he needs to curb his drinking and smoking habits if at all he has them in the first place.

Besides this if possible kindly take some time to read this self help book on lack of sex within the marriage and the remedies to counter them on a personal level.

So you got to combine these three strategies as mentioned above to bring back his libido.

I hope this helps.

Wish you all the best.

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