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I am having an awful time with an ex that sends me email

Hello, I am having an...
Hello, I am having an awful time with an ex that sends me email after our break up mentioning other women he has or wants to meet. I not only stopped responding to these, but what is causing him to do this?
He is a control freak and insecure from the 5 yrs I have known him and we just broke up only 3 weeks ago.
If I can understand why people do this, can I get some resolve.
Thanks for the help.
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Answered in 8 minutes by:
4/26/2013
Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
Verified
Thanks for your question,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through with your ex. Typically when someone behaves in this way it is because they are hurt and are trying to provoke a reaction by attempting to hurt you too. This may also be an attempt to bait you into a conversation or confrontation if he is struggling with a loss of control, or if this breakup has caused him to struggle even more with his insecurities. More than anything, it sounds like he is upset and is trying to make you feel similarly by trying to provoke feelings of jealousy. You are right to ignore his texts, and hopefully he will eventually get the message. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

What I do not understand about this is that he writes songs and this is not the only time he did this. He wrote a song about some woman he want to meet and he sent an email titled "A new song," and then he writes, "

Just wanted you to hear the work ... I've not met anyone ... I'm not with anyone ... I'm alone, ok ... Don't take it wrong ...

I hope you're doing great ... No need to reply ... No need to say a word ..."

When I did not respond I get another one the next day titled, "For the H&^l of it," and then, "Final cut ... Final everything ..."

This from a 54 yr old... and now I am wondering if he mentally ill.

Opinion?

I agree that it is odd behavior, although if he is struggling with a breakup, that can make a lot of normally sane people act in ways that may make you think they are mentally ill. Unless there were other indicators of mental illness, I wouldn't assume that he is from this particular situation. However, from what you've described, it's not surprising that he has some insecurities, and it does seem safe to say that he was looking for some type of reaction or response from you, despite saying otherwise.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Ok, how can he think he would get any reaction after hearing that he wants to meet some girl.

The song was very specific down to her eye and hair color and even in the part of the message of that song he mentioned that he wanted to be with her and then send me "I've not met anyone ... I'm not with anyone ... I'm alone, ok ... Don't take it wrong ...."

And you saying that he is only trying to get a reaction from me?

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,894
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, it looks like Ryan had to exit the conversation so I'd like to help you with your question.
Yes, it looks like your ex is trying to get a reaction out of you by sending you these letters. It is right that he most likely is either very hurt and wants you to hurt with him to make him feel better, or he is insecure/angry and wants to get a reaction out of you because he feels slighted by the break up. When you deal with someone like this, it is best to ignore them. If they become too intrusive, say something to the point and simple like I'm sorry but this is over. Please leave me alone. That way, you leave out the emotion of the situation and leave no doubt that you are finished with the relationship.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I figured that he is trying to get me to respond and I refuse, but that still is not answering why he says in the song that he wants to be with this woman, but tells me that he is alone and have not met anyone, and then say "no need to reply, no need to say a word."

I find out from his family that he did try to meet her and she was late, and ended up not meeting her, but then send me a song about her?

Is this some sort of manipulation? Why I ask is because I hope to understand where this comes from. I am sorry for being pushy, but what sort of person does this at 54?

It could be that he is trying to get any reaction from you, from being upset with him to feeling sorry for him. Some people struggle to handle emotions in a healthy way so they do whatever they feel is necessary in order to get a reaction. And at his age, he probably never learned how to deal with his feelings. Some people don't. It sounds like he is trying to get you to respond but is not sure what would work so he is doing things like sending songs, telling you about other women and generally trying to get your attention in any way he can. If you do not pay attention, he may escalate for a while but eventually he should move on.
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

So what does this mean when he sends a song about some woman that he didn't get to meet yet but wants to be there with her, and then tells me the opposite with not meeting her, not with anyone and alone?

I can understand if it were just the song he sent, but still not sure about the contradiction. I am really thinking there is something wrong mentally and emotionally and I happen to care to an extent.

There could be something wrong with him, but it is hard to say for sure without talking to him directly. At this point, it sounds like he is just looking for a reaction from you. He does not need to send this to you but he does anyway. That means he is looking for a reaction. His contradictions are not clear. Most likely it is just him feeling mixed up about your break up and looking for a reaction.
Kate
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