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My husband has difficulty earning an income. He works on

commission in real estate...
My husband has difficulty earning an income. He works on commission in real estate and when things fall apart, we do not have enough money to live. It has now been 2 years since he has made any money and we are in serious financial shape.. I want him to seek some therapy but he refuses. He has spoken of killing himself so I can have the life insurance but I don't think he will. He has become very dependent on me for everything and I am tired of this. He is friendless and appears cold and arrogant to myself and others. All he thinks and talks about is real estate. This has been going on for 20 years. Do you have any suggestions?
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Answered in 12 minutes by:
4/26/2013
RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe is very concerning since it shows a chronic lack of accountability and caring, real passivity regardless the serious consequences you have been facing in the past years. You said he has not made any money in the past 2 years, and I wonder if he has a chronic medical problem, a disability of any kind not allowing him to work for all this long at any other area. You stated he's been friendless and arrogant, what suggest verbal and emotional abuse, for sure neglect at several levels. What makes this situation worse is his reluctance to get necessary support to work on his personal mental health issues in order to start taking good care of your marriage and life situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he does not have a disability, but refuses to work and take basic responsibilities as an adult, while committing to work on himself with psychological support, then it would be hopeless to expect this situation to improve at all. You have been facing reality for the past two years affording the consequences from his serious neglect, and if this continues you could become homeless or just unable to go on at multiple levels, and that's something you do not need nor deserve to undergo at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I use to tell couples that the first right and responsibility we all have must be towards ourselves, to truly respect, protect, love and support ourselves in order to take good care of our lives. Once we do that, we can develop and promote healthy and fulfilling relationships, otherwise we would end allowing people to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate us. this is why it;'s fundamental to understand that you need to reassess your core priorities here, around needs and expectations at different levels, and from there have a serious dialogue with him about them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to set clear and concrete boundaries and limits, for him to know what you need and expect from him and what would be the consequences you would have to afford in case he chooses not to take full responsibility as a real adult. You cannot control his choices and actions, but you can and should control your own decisions in order to take good care of yourself, not allowing any further neglect or abuse to undermine your well-being even deeper.

Customer: He does not have a medical problem or disability. I think his self-worth is all tied up in real estate. He is quiet and not abusive. He is probably neglectful.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When people do not acknowledge reality and take responsibility for how they shape it and the consequences they create, it is need and pain what push us to wake up, and that's the tough way, and I do not recommend anybody to neglect herself at all and suffer that much. Pain is natural part of life, it helps us to grow, develop and mature as human beings. But when we neglect or abuse ourselves, we create extra pain or suffering, which would push us to face how dysfunctional paths we may have chosen, for us to change our ways and get back into a healthy approach. It seems you have already faced a lot in the past years, and the pressure about it worsening even more is huge, then please start doing what depends on you to take good care of yourself, taking responsibility of what depends on you, while allowing him to do the same, otherwise he would continue undermining his life, and destroying yours too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sense of self-worthiness is essential for every good mental health and well-being, but if distorted it leas to neglect and abuse, even in subtle ways, like through arrogance, dismissing people's feelings, refusing to face reality and take responsibility, unfriendliness and more. Your situations very serious, since it is about your very ability to have a place where to live and the capacity to afford your core needs, and if something assertive does not change as soon as possible, you would have to afford further consequences. he seems fine with that, since he gets everything he needs from you, but he is not a child nor disable, thus enabling his ego, using and neglecting you that way is unacceptable, and never a healthy way of taking good care of yourself or your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Even if you happen to be a rich person, just concerned because of all this issues , but without the financial problem, I would invite you to reflect on the same core issues, and how the codependent enabling of them does damage you at several levels, while reinforced his dysfunctional life style. You could have the best intention about it, but reality is showing you that you pushing yourself and doing everything in your hands, while allowing him to perpetuate this serious neglect, would not help you to even take good care of yourself in realistic ways, not only financially but also mentally and emotionally.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How do you think would be your reality a year from now if radical changes were not implemented right now about your situation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you have tried to listen, made suggestions and left him alone,and allot that shows how much you care about him. Your patience, respect, affection and support, but on the other hand, he has not shown the same at all towards you. Without real reciprocity in a marriage, there is no way for it to grow healthy, strong and fulfilling, it becomes rather unfair, neglectful and/or abusive, in obvious or subtle ways. You said this core issue has been there for the past 20 years, then it is very serious, and that's why I truly suggest you to consider looking for professional individual psychotherapy or counseling for you to work on these core issues, improve coping and make necessary changes leading to real improvements in your situation. Your husband could continue to refuse any necessary support, but you do need and have the right and power to choose to take better care of yourself, and counseling seems a very necessary source of support for you right now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Actually, it really does. I can get help through my health insurance.. If he won't get help,then I should. I just keep hoping things will change.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. It is good to have hope, as long as we do work on what depends on us. He will continue to decide what he wants for his life and the role he plays in your life. Changes are possible and necessary, but again, you can only control what depends on you, and he would need to do the same. You just cannot afford waiting for that day to come, since life, with its needs and challenges goes on, and you need and deserve not only to meet your basic material needs but to enjoy it as a truly fulfilling experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get all the emotional support and guidance from those who truly care about you and happen to be mature and healthy people in your life, from relatives to close friends, for this process to work better for you, once it is never easy to face all these challenges alone.

RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Verified
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RealSupport
RealSupport
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Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,191
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