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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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21 year old I have observed for 6 years moving from one crisis

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21 year old I have observed for 6 years moving from one crisis to another caused (in my opinion) by a TOTAL lack of social reciprocity. Much has been given. But no feeling of the slightest obligation for near life saving "gifts"-kindness,love,money,forgiveness,you name it. It is still an attitude of nobody ever did anything for her, nobody cares about her,etc. Eventually (once again in my opinion) relationships break down as associations don't have a true give and take. There is some early abuse, and she has been "on her own" physically since age 14-15 accepting no authority figure. Is there a way to get this person to see herself?

pennyrayasMFT :

Hello there and thanks for asking JA. Is this young lady your daugther or relative? I think there is a posibility to help her see herself but it is a very limited one. She will need to realize that she has problems with relationships and find a threapist to help her change her behavior. I think the best thing a relative can do is to be honest on how the things she does and said make you feel. Set and bounderies and protect yourself.. Trauma makes someone feel like they can't trust anyone and make them angry. Anger leads to bad treatment of others and then people leave her and prove her fears that nobody cares. This makes her very angry and makes her not trust. What you can do is to tell her that you love her nomatter what. You do not like her behavior sometimes but you still love her


Our relationship would take a long time to explain. In a nut shell I was a teacher who saw an all alone kid, lost my career, savings, and pretty much everything in the attempt to show that SOMEBODY in the world cared. No good. This "affliction" can give this girl the appearance of unbelievable coldness to the point of seeming cruel. It seems that for those who have given the most, less is given. I'm talking simple little things that just don't go out of her. She has been her own "boss" pretty much all her life. She's a runner when things get real bad. She refuses to see any of her behavior being at fault, and doesn't see the pattern that I see. A start, a slight rise, and a crash. This is jobs and relationships. I finally pieced together why it always fell apart. I think that at the point that there MUST be some reciprocity for a relationship to continue,she can't give it. People get away from those who take and never give. This has gotten very bad and if I could I would force some professional help. I also think this is a shell or shield formed from early abuse/neglect. Part of this neglect was letting her just go on her own, with only herself for guidance at about age 13. I fear it is too late and I have seen her at the bottom more than once and no revelations were found. Is there a name for this "shielding" that gets this severe. I think it is the cause of her APPEARING -selfish,cold,stupid,immoral, she has a quick and frightful temper, can't accept any kind of criticism, just walks from any truth telling, and has become someone that has an excuse for everything and everything is someone or something else's fault. Is there a name for this? This is a though nut to crack and has always been way above my pay-grade. A name for this like reciprocity syndrome or something? That is usually with autistic kids. She can be bright about some things and is not autistic. I'm afraid I will have to "bail" too. I have gone thru enough that it would take a long time to relate. Enough to be embarrassing . Hopeless?

Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
It looks like this person has Asperger's Disorder

Diagnostic criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: that is what you are noticins
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity.

This is seeing in every person with this disorder. The person does not understand emotions and how to reciprocate.

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia

What helps those students is to explain to them the social rules in an intellectual maner. You will notice that social cues do not mean much to this person. A social group helps so much. If you can refer him to a therapist that works with this disorder this will help

let me know if you have more questions

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