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This person was put down by her mother as a child saying she

didn't have the beauty of...
This person was put down by her mother as a child saying she didn't have the beauty of her sisters etc and later on that she couldn't hold down a job. She had depression problems in late teens, now married to a wonderful supportive husband and having 2 children to him. though-out this time she's always been on facebook complaining about lack of sleep, kids sick, anything and everything, changing her profile picture frequently, getting involved or helping to setup local support groups (all good but concerned about the underlying reason) recently had to terminate a 7mth pregnancy (very traumatic in it self) would like to see her try again but so traumatized by her loss is petrified that it may happen again. This grieving process has led to a huge and constant out pouring on facebook along with her normal trivia, her friends have been very supportive and I hope they remain that way. How can I best help?
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Answered in 14 minutes by:
4/19/2013
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Verified
Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you- Welcome!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are thoughtful and kind in the way you show concern for your friend- that can be very helpful to her- the support you show her.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She has experienced a significant trauma. What does she exhibit that concerns you, any other details you can provide?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You said recently she experienced the loss of 7 month pregnancy- big Trauma. If it was recent it will take her time- one of the bigger traumas for a woman.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If she struggles in her life and is not "dealing" with the loss, in addition to the support you provide her, counseling may be quite helpful. Oftentimes the true healer of loss is time and support- lots of support.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Have you asked her how you may be the most helpful to her? I sense that you are a good and caring friend. Getting her to come up with the idea of counseling or other support may be more beneficial vs. someone recommending it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There are therapists/counselors who specialize in loss and trauma.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Support groups for child loss is often recommended.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Often times hospitals provide those groups or know of those resources in her area.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

She may be benefiting from the outpouring of her loss on Facebook- telling and retelling her "story" is a good way to work through that trauma.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You have described it perfectly "the grieving process". There is a process, common stages one goes through. If often starts with the bargaining, evaluating, asking why, what if.., if only etc. The other stages involve the anger, sadness, and eventual to more healing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It sounds like her struggle started in her teens. There may be some unresolved issues in addition to her trauma with the loss.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There lies a strength in her prognosis in having a supportive and loving husband.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That counseling was helpful in the past she may consider it again. Maybe asking her what was most helpful about the counseling and how that may help her again- "do you think that could help now?" sort of thing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your kind words, listening, supporting, validating, etc. is what she needs, but of course needs to seek it out or be open to it, as well. Some people prefer some time separate from others to grieve, more privately.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Continue to do as you have, "tried to be there for her". Maybe ask her how you could offer her more support- letting her know it's important to you to help as best you can.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

When someone is "attention seeking" they may benefit from lots of validation of their feelings. She may be seeking to be heard and understood, with her past, maybe on some level she does not know if she can trust and count on others, especially if she's experienced rejection.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How to broach the subject without offending?- try using "I" statements with her. i.e. "I am worried, concerned, and I want to be most helpful to you, please let me know what would be most helpful"

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Hello!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

The "I" statements tend to be less threatening and judgmental vs. the "you need, you should" sort of thing.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It may benefit her the most if she makes the decision to seek out counseling vs. someone suggesting it. Certainly, like I mentioned, you can ask how it helped before, and does she think it could help again.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

What makes you think you would upset her by mentioning the "physiologist"?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You sound like a great support and mentor to her- that must be comforting to her knowing someone cares so much

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Do you have other comments or questions?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Losing a child and having two children to care for can be exhausting- validating how hard that must be may help her feel supported.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Parenting is hard and sometimes thank-less work and hearing someone validate that can help tremendously.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Underlying reason for how she is acting? Truly it may be looking to be loved, cared about, recognized, listened too- especially if she did not get that growing up.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If she was put down as a child- her self worth has taken a beating- and may look to others to fill that role of a good and loving mother.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Please let me know if you have other comments or questions. Thank you for your post!

Customer:

Thank you, ***** ***** me a very thorough reply, agree regards ***** ***** also feel an element of attention seeking but very difficult to say where one starts and ends so will have to be careful and fully supportive..sensitive area, don't wish to make a bad situation worse.

Customer:

will take on board what you've said and try to get her professional help again if I she's not coping...Thanks!

Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
Verified
Jean and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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let me know if I can offer any additional assistance. If satisfied with info. please be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can get credit. Much appreciated!
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Jean
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
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Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)

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