Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. You are experiencing what many people experience when they've left a relationship that was more of a "one way" relationship. That refers to the situation where the other person tended toward being narcissistic and abusive. You, then, tend toward pushing aside your emotional needs and your needs to receive because you focus almost exclusively on giving.
It sounds as though you've emerged from this type of relationship. And while this can be exhilarating, it can also produce anger and sometimes sadness and depression. What do I mean?
Many people (it is not always the woman in this position, though much more frequently in my experience, it is the woman) report that they feel like "they can finally breathe". And it is a great feeling. But it is not the only feeling the person feels.
At the same time as this positive awakening of self, there's also tremendous anger that emerges toward the former partner/spouse. This is because the person is now able and ready to think consciously about the neglect they felt all that time in the relationship. And so the accumulated anger can be very big.
But I'm most concerned for you about the sadness and the depression that can lurk behind the scenes. What do I mean?
If you think about the one way relationship, it meant that you were focused continually about giving. The problem was not in your giving; it was in that your giving was not reciprocated. It was only one way. But giving is still a human need. And it is why you're a good person: because you do feel that human need to give fully. Well, now you're on your own and that need to give still exists within you, but there is a vacuum, so to speak.
Your life was focused on giving to your husband, and while he abused that trust you bestowed on him, you now find yourself alone and the opportunities to give emotionally are not as frequent. This is hard to adjust to. And therefore I have found that people who leave a one way relationship will sometimes need to focus very much on not isolating themselves socially, on making new relationships.
It is okay to have a cooling off period with your husband, to not have frequent contact and to ask him not to call you. You seem as though you wish to stay on your own rather than to go to counseling together. And if so, then this would be wise so that you don't have to reawaken the anger so frequently. But again, my concern for you is that you make social contacts, new friends, go to programs and classes. And if you are planning on moving on from the marriage, to even meet other men who might not be selfish and abusive. You don't need to be looking right away for new commitments, but forming relationships, friendships and social relationships, that are two way relationships and are satisfying will help both with the anger and with the sadness.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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