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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I get very defensive threading suicide trouble dealing with

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I get very defensive threading suicide trouble dealing with addiction to nicotine and lieing to my spouse about my addiction. What can I do?
Dear friend,
I believe that I can help you.
Nicotine addiction is one of the hardest to beat. Not only is it physically addictive but it is also a substance that can make you feel calmer, making it even harder to quit.
Because it is so addictive, denying yourself is actually painful. You have developed a NEED for it. Smoking (or otherwise ingesting nicotine) actually relieves that pain. It give the addicted person real pleasure.
Pleasure, in many instances, is the relief from pain. Similarly, if you have an overwhelming need to relieve your bladder, for example, doing so is pleasurable, as is removing a painful splinter or having a drink of water when you are absolutely parched.
Addictions are the same way, except they have been artificially induced. The pain and relieve mechanisms, however are real.
Your spouse needs to realize that this is a real addiction and is difficult to break. It is listed in the psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) as a diagnosable disorder (292.0 Nicotine Withdrawal and 305.10 Nicotine Dependence).
You should not feel you have to hide this from your wife and she should not be putting undue pressure on you.
Ingesting nicotine (especially smoking, but chewing or dipping too) is very harmful as you know and have heard too many times.
Perhaps you are trying to quit.
Talk to your doctor about the medication called bupropion (marketed as Wellbutrin and Zyban, among other brands) which is very effective and used for depression, anxiety, and smoking cessation.
It is not harmful like another smoking cessation drug, Chantrix.
It also does NOT promote weight gain nor does it produce any sexual side effects (low libido or erectile dysfunction) as many other antidepressants do.
This can be worked out with much less anguish than you are experience now. The bupropion will be extremely effective and your doctor should not hesitate to give this to you.
Share this with your spouse to bring understanding and support which will help more than anything if you are trying to quit.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
Warm regards,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My lies and trying to hide my snuff habit has almost ruined my marriage I told her I quit three times and I am currently not using snuff but am fighting the urge I work in a high stress field of work in the oilfield. I have been divorced I have two kids I rarely get to see one step daughter and one on the way and I love them all including my wife but my work keeps me from seeing them much. I feel worthless as a father and have thought about killing myself. I have put my wife thru hell with my lies since her late husband had some bad addictions and took his own life. I often feel that if I do the same I will set her free and she will not have to deal with me. She said at one point she wanted a divorce and I can not deal with going thru another one. It would be the death of me. And she has lost all trust in me and says I do not love her anymore. But she means the world to me but her hatred of people with addictions make it hard for us to communicate. What can I do?
Dear friend,
I know lots of guys who work in the oil fields near me and have been around lots of drilling and maintenance operations. Lots of them dip or chew (I'm in Kentucky) and though it is an addiction, it does not cause behavior problems and should be your wife's concern in a loving way, but not in the way that she seems to handle it.
Your wife is the problem, in my estimation. She is more concerned about controlling you than in supporting you. She has somehow convinced you that you are not a good person and are failing as a husband and a father, when in actuality, you are working hard in a high risk line of work, where the gas fumes probably pose more of a risk than the little bit of snuff that you dip.
Getting a divorce from a woman who treats you with contempt and threats, as you have implied, will not be the death of you. It might even be a relief.
If you want to set her free then do it the proper way and file for divorce. Killing yourself is wrong thinking, and you will hurt the people that really care for you - your children.
There is an alternative to suicide and divorce, and that is, you both can set about trying to fix the problem by seeing a marriage and family therapist.
As a therapist I see you as the victim and your wife as the abusive person. Don't tell her I said that however, but she is causing you tremendous anguish by her attitude and words.
If she is not interested in trying to fix things, then you will have to part from her.
Because you are having suicidal thoughts, I strongly urge you to find a therapist or counselor (you can go by yourself to a marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and work on this. If she wishes to join you, then that will be very helpful.
You can find a live therapist at: and enter your state and city and then on the left you can narrow your search by choosing marriage and family problems.
If you feel suicidal then call 911 or go to your emergency room.
I shall keep you in my prayers.
Warm regards,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
It is not my wife that brings me down it's my ex wife that have brung me down to think so lowly of myself she put me down daily and I have low self esteem now. The last thing I want is a divorce from my wife I love her more than she knows but I'm not good at expression my feelings for her, and with that being said she feels that I do not love her as much as I did when we met but In fact I do love her. But I feel so distant because of my repeated failures to stop dipping and her dislike of me for the habit has made us distant to the point that I can't stand. I feel so worthless and uncared for. I am scared of starting to dip again and lose her. So rather than lose her I would rather die.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
And the fact that I rarely get much time off to spend with my kids that lives with my ex plus she has enrolled them in every sport she could to keep them from me. They love spending time with us but I feel guilty that I can't get them or see them much.
Dear friend,
I thoroughly understand your situation now.
If you take your life you will not have kids, you will not have a wife, and you will have absolutely nothing left. Surely this is not what you want.
Do you really think that you have only two choices: to stop dipping by using your will power to stop or to stop dipping by using your will power to kill yourself.
The first choice will be strong and courageous and make you wife proud.
The second will be weak and cowardly and make everybody ashamed of you.
I strongly urge you to find a local therapist whom you can see every week, for awhile, and talk to him or her about your feelings and low self-esteem.
While you are finding a therapist to help you, I recommend getting this book on raising your self-esteem. It is easy to read and is written by one of the foremost authorities on self-esteem in the USA.
You can purchase it on line at
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn Sorensen
You can search for a therapist near you at:
Enter city and state, and then on the left click on self-esteem or depression under the heading ISSUES.
I wish you great success. Don't give up. Take action and show the world and your wife that you can control your own destiny, with your snuff habit and with your children.
God bless.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you