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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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Im unsure how this works exactly. do i only get to ask one

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hi, im unsure how this works exactly. do i only get to ask one question? im feeling the need to see a psychologist but have never been before. would i be able to have a session with you?

Good Morning,
Generally speaking, a customer asks a specific question and we chat back and forth for a few minutes until you feel you have been helped with the question. We do not offer a "session" in the traditional sense of therapy...where the client comes in to the office and we work over a number of weeks or months to resolve their issues.

What we can do here is to explore why you think you need therapy, what the core issue or issues are, and then I can help you find a qualified therapist in your own community.

So...what I can offer you on JustAnswer might be called "pre-therapy"...helping you clarify what it is you need from therapy and pointing you in the right direction.

How does that sound?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

that sounds great

Please tell me what your concerns are and why you think you need therapy. Give me as much detail as you can so that I have a good sense of what is happening. It's important that you tell me how long you have been feeling this way and what you have done to address the issues on your own.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ok, well i seem to have a resentment for my mother which sounds terrible. but when i was 11 i went through her relationship breakup and financial ruin and she had a nervous breakdown and i was made to "be the parent"at 12 years old taking care of bills etc and my younger brother. i moved out of home at 14 because of my angry stepfather and very unemotional man, (he was with my mother since i was born) but they are unhappy and have a very dysfunctional relationship and into my now husbands home with his parents. I never knew my real father as he went to jail before i was born, so it was nice to have some stability there. i tracked down my biological father at 21 and met him, only to have him never call or speak to me again. my mother is now not the person mentally that i remember as a child, is a hypochondriac medically and takes alot of depression/anxiety/blood pressure u name it drugs. i feel so emotionally lost without having a father to support me and my mother is just useless mentally. my husband is in the armed forces and i have 3 beautiful children but i am finding it so hard and feel so lost.

I am sorry that your early years were so very difficult. The first thing that strikes me is the sense of abandonment you experienced from the circumstances surrounding your mother's life choices and mental health. Added to that, was that you were then left to parent your brother...a life role that you were ill equipped to handle. This we call "holes in roles"...meaning that there was a parenting "hole" and you stepped in to that "role".

Then when you met your biological father...a man that by circumstance abandoned you at birth...he abandoned you a second time.

Your mother continues in this theme of abandoning you as she is a medical "mess" and continues to be unavailable to you in a healthy, motherly way.

Now that you are married and a mother...those old wounds are magnified. You cannot imagine how a mother would be so unavailable to their children when you consider your 3 beautiful children! You KNOW they need mothering and fathering. Yet you KNOW you did not get that...and so it hurts inside. What you may also realize is that your mother and stepfather and biological father gave you such a poor roadmap or directions on how to parent that you may worry whether you can or will be a good mother. This is not likely something that is conscious...but rather unconscious.

As to therapy. My suggestion is that you search out a psychologist who specializes in working with clients with family of origin issues, particularly abandonment. This is the core issue.

I will wait for your reply.

The above link is to the Australian Psychological Association and connects directly to their "Find a Psychologist" page.

This page will allow you to search directly for a psychologist in your community.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ok, abandonment ive never thought of it that way. i feel like the way ive tried to cope with this in my head is sending my crazy! is it possible to "overthink"too much? im sure u talk to alot of people and think oh just get on with it! do u really think its possible to resolve these issues to the point that i will be ok with how i feel because there is no fixing what i have lost. and is it possible that it can be affecting my relationship with my husband both emotionally and intimatley?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

are you still there? im unable to find anytype of abandonment psychologists within 100kms of my area. so ill have to keep looking, do u have anything else to add from my last reply?

I can understand why and how you would have such trouble with this and why coping would lead you to question your own sanity. And absolutely no...I would never say just get on with it. This is serious - and certainly it could negatively impact your marriage, your relationships with others, and even how you parent. When we have been abandoned - and in your case it has been multiple instances over a long, sustained period of time - then we become fearful that others will leave us. That leads to mistrust, to doubt, to being overly dependent or, conversely, to believing that the only one who loves or cares for us is ourself. So...again...I strongly encourage you to see a therapist so as to heal those old wounds and come to see life in a more healthy and functional way. And absolutely...this can be resolved. It will take work on your part...seeing the realities of how you were raised and letting go of the resentment and anger you have towards your parents. Please remember that when you were a child you had a limited capacity to understand all that was happening around you and that now as an adult you have the ability to see things with a mature mind. Right?!

And yes...the abandonment you felt as a child is likely impacting how you relate to your husband..what you expect from him and how you interpret his words and actions.

So..therapy will help you clean up all of this past mess, set you on a new course, and free you to be a healthier and happier person.
You might ask for a referral from your family physician...they might know a good therapist. Also, you might call the Australian Psychological Association to see if they can provide a list of therapists beyond what is on their website.
Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ok thankyou so much for your help, you have explained alot in such a short amount of time. i only wish i could have my sessions with you.

hopefully i can find the help that i need, thankyou again for your time

It has been a pleasure to help you! I wish you well on this journey to healing...

Have a good day!