Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I would like to begin by thanking you for being so eloquent and cogent in how you describe your history and your situation. You are clearly a very insightful, creative, and deep human being.
There is a tremendous duality that comes out in what you write, a lifelong duality. On one hand there is tremendous strength and competence; on the other hand there is pain and emotional insecurity. There is a lot of external soldiering on, persevering; there are also internal needs that have never been tended to properly and helped to get to health.
My concern is that this feeling of 'spiraling down toward darkness' is your inner sense that you will continue throughout your life without exploring those inner insecurities, hurts, and tendernesses so that you can truly feel whole and yourself. In other words, it's actually a call to take care of your inner needs while you still are supple emotionally.
I agree with that inner voice within you. It seems like a depressive voice, but it sounds as though it's actually a plea from within yourself to your outer self to recognize that you need to explore with professional help that lifetime of persevering without actually dealing with the traumas and heartaches.
And the pattern of rejection is very possibly a self-sabotaging mechanism within you: doing things that will have a good chance of getting you fired (showing up late, etc.) so that you once again will be sad
And maybe this time you'll take up the inner challenge of that self sabotaging behavior: to take the opportunity to explore within yourself what needs to be looked at, faced, and used for self-growth.
So for you, therapy is an opportunity to gain insight and a more positive relationship within yourself toward yourself and toward others. Let me give you two directories to look at that are good. You should focus on finding a psychologist or psychotherapist in your area who practices in a psychodynamic orientation. That's for gaining insight into yourself and your behavior.
Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (because they seem smart and not so easily manipulatable!) look at the listing and see if they list psychodynamic therapy in their orientations.
Good Therapy is a non profit directory. Same idea as the one above:
I want to make sure again that you recognize how remarkable your story is. You have survived much, you have acted honorably, you have learned much, you have been creative and have expressed your creativity. You may be ready for an even deeper exploration of your own self and life.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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