How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
TherapistMarryAnn is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband does everything for us, or so he says. He constantly

This answer was rated:

My husband does everything for us, or so he says. He constantly tells me that he does it all and that I contribute nothing. He does pay all the bills, do his laundry (I do mine) and do the shopping and cook. I did try and cook a couple of meals, but he really didn't eat them and he loves to cook. With that said he cooks about once a week. He also makes about 250,000 a year and I make about 35,000 a year. We got married late in life but have known each other our whole lives. He is 54 and I am 49. He was never married before, I was married twice before (to addicts/my family is full of them so I guess I married my Father as they say). I just feel belittled. I clean our home and have kept it nice since I moved in 2 years ago - it was trashed when I moved in - and it is beautiful now. We don't have sex - I told him that I need some romance and his response is "why do I have to do it all?" He told me that he expects me to "take care of my man" whether I am in the mood or not. I don't know what to do - yes he does do the majority of everything - but he is not doing anything more than he did the 54 years before I moved in. And now he has a good wife that tells him constantly how thankful she if for everything he does. I give him cards and goofy little presents all the time and tell him how much I appreciate him. Doesn't matter. Help, I am so distressed!
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband has a skewed view of your role and his role in your marriage. His comment about you "taking care of your man" tells you a lot. He seems to expect that your role is to be there totally for him and that should be your only focus. Yet he insists on doing everything himself then blames you for having "to do it all". He is basically sending you mixed signals then blaming you for his feelings as a result instead of seeing you as a couple that shares in the marriage.

If you have been in relationships before with men who were addicts, then you may recognize some of the same personality traits in your husband. Self centeredness, blame and poor treatment are common. This may indicate that you are experiencing low self esteem and feel you do not deserve to be treated better.

It also sounds like your husband might be emotionally abusive. Blaming and saying hurtful things as well as expecting you to conform to his needs are all signs. He wants your marriage to be the way he feels it should be without including your feelings or treating you as a person.

What you can do is suggest counseling. Because your husband may not see these issues as his fault, he may refuse to go. And if he does, go without him. You mentioned trying counseling before and not going back. But you may not have had the right therapist to help you. Try asking your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line for someone with experience in personality disorders and emotionally abusive men. Here is a link to help you:

It would also help to learn more about emotional abuse so you know the signs and can respond to protect yourself. Here are some resources to get you started: -i-love

The more you know, the more you can break the pattern of abuse and either help yourself in the marriage or decide if you need to leave.

I hope this has helped you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He did go with me to the therapist but he is reluctant to open up. Am I wrong? He does pay all the bills, etc. but I feel so low when he tells me that he does it all. Besides therapy, which I will go to, what can I do right now??? We had a big blow up 2 nights ago and have not talked since. I don't know what to say or how to act when he gets home tonight. Please help.

No you are not wrong. He is wrong here because he tries to convince you that you are not doing anything in the marriage and he does it all. Then he tells you about it. That is intended to hurt you and does not help you as a couple.

You cannot change who he is. Only he can do that. You can try to talk to him and see if he is willing to work this out. But his attitude will not change nor the fact that he blames you until he decides he is willing to do his part to make things better between you. That leaves you to react the best you can do what he does. The best thing to do right now is to try to be civil yet protect yourself from his behavior. Be nice but don't give more than that until you know he is not going to try to hurt you again. The key here is realizing that he is at fault and he is the one hurting you, not the other way around. If you try to fix this and take the blame, he will continue to act as he does and you will not be able to get what you need from the relationship.


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

One last question. Two nights ago I got a card that told my husband what a good man he is and I gave him a chocolate rose. We starting arguing over something petty, I don't even remember what it was. I started to cry and told him that I couldn't handle us arguing all the time over little things, he agreed. We started what I thought would be a conversation about what we could do to stop it. I really do feel like he is trying to get out of this rut too, but then it goes bad. Our conversation then went to the subject of us not having sex. He told me he needs sex and I responded that I do too, but I have to be in the mood. That is when he again said, "why do I have to do it all? In my final response to him I told him what a great man he is, how I adore him and love him more than anything, but if by doing it all means bringing the romance and he won't do it than we shouldn't be together. He told me all that he heard is that he does it all and we shouldn't be together. Then he went to his computer, paid off a 7000 credit card bill for me and came into our spare room (where I was by this time holed up with the dogs) and told me "I paid off a 7000 Visa bill for you a couple of days ago (lie - he did it moments earlier) I don't expect a thank you, but some gratitude would be nice." So, do I thank him for this? There has got to be some sort of personality type that he falls under and I really want my marriage to work, but I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I have seen him do this to his family as well. He helps them out financially and then holds it against them. I did read the article in Psychology Today. If there is any other article that deals with how to deal with this personality type I would love it if you could direct me to it. Your help is huge and I really need it - Thank You.

While I cannot diagnose your husband without seeing him face to face (it is unethical), it certainly sounds like he has a personality disorder possibly narcissism or borderline.

You can thank him for paying off the Visa if you want. But you may want to ask yourself to what end? He seems to continually want more and more adoration and gratefulness from you and is never happy with what he gets. Plus, it is completely his choice if he pays off your card or not. He doesn't not have to if he is unhappy with your response to him. And you can certainly let him know that. He may not respond well, but he is not giving you much choice in the situation.


I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Thanks!

Related Mental Health Questions