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I am sad over a situation w a 50/50 parenting plan. Sons

father and his fathers girlfriend...
I am sad over a situation w a 50/50 parenting plan. Sons father and his fathers girlfriend are bullies to me have manipulated my son to live with them after I have been a single mother since 2003. I'm having a hard time on dealing with son's father playing mommy. They have made it difficult and the past few years have talking a toll on us all...My son the most. What or how should I handle her controlling and overbearing nature?
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Answered in 19 minutes by:
3/1/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is always so difficult to deal with custody issues, especially when one side is successfully manipulative using the courts, or bribery, o sugar-coated treachery to get and maintain control.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The best way to handle it, if this is your son's choice, to never make it an issue, never discuss what goes on in the father's home, be only positive, and make your time with you son a very special and festive occasion when you can, so that he looks forward to the visits.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you complain or make it an issue, he will feel responsible and instead of trying to change things, he will withdraw from you more.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You cannot control her overbearing nature. Treat her as you are supposed to treat a wild animal to prevent them from attacking you. Show you do not fear her one bit, but do not provoke her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She gains ground only when you react to her. Lack of reaction means that she does not not what you are thinking or what you will do.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dominate the situation with a calm demeanor. Tolerate her as you would tolerate a growling dog. Then you will manage her. If you react, even with body language (angry look, grimace) then she has manipulated you. Calm yourself and she will lose her power to intimidate. I understand that you do not like her one bit. However, tolerate her as you would a little kid having a tantrum.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She only does this for the reaction. Don't react and she will look like the fool.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Let me recommend two great books that will add weapons and ammo to whatever wisdom you already posess:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Ph.D. (Apr 1, 2010)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

and

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

and one more because this is also in my top three

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I urge you to be only positive and not reactive. Let your son see the differences.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Please get these books and learn how to turn the tables on these controlling people and come up smelling like roses.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have been a great mom and deserve to get some more rewards back. Stick with this approach and YOU WILL.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

I would like thank you for your response. I will take your advice and hold it dearly. The reading you suggested I will look into and ad into my life at tools for strength for I have my son's father and his father's mother who have the same demeanor as the women I mentioned.

Thank you and God Bless.

Respectfully, Ms.Martin

Dear Ms. Martin,

Thank you so much for your very kind words. It is possible that these people have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I will give you the official psychiatric (DSM-IV) criteria and you can judge for yourself.

If you think so I am also recommending a very enlightening book on the subject.

**********************************************************************

Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(DSM IV - TR)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


***********************************************************************************
Here is the book.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

 

Blessings to you,

Elliott
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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