Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Your husband's behavior is hurtful for sure. And it's distressing as well. These are normal reactions on your part. That he's looking at pornography all the time is certainly a big problem here. It is not normal behavior, certainly, to refuse sex with his wife when he is interested in pornography. We don't know if he has a normal sex drive and is masturbating or if he does not have erections frequently but gets some sort of satisfaction from looking at the pornography. But whatever the problem, it is leaving you with an unsatisfying marriage. And clearly it has been going on for a long time. That makes it much more difficult to address. After ten years, professional help will be needed because as you can see from what I wrote above, his behavior is very problematic.
I certainly can't diagnose here and there are way too many possibilities. We don't know if this behavior is in response to some ongoing traumatic event in childhood, or to some other childhood problems. Or if there were other problems in youth. Or if there is a self worth issue. Or an anxiety problem that somehow has a sexual aspect. Or perhaps something else.
It may be helpful to explore some ideas here for you: having sex on his own looking at pictures, while you're right there and wanting to engage him sexually, may be an expression of being disconnected from the reality of life in the world, being disconnected from real people, being afraid of interactions and intimacy with real people, withdrawal into his own fantasy.
But in the real world he may be uncertain of himself and it is not so easy. There's a lot of anxiety, perhaps, dealing with the real world and you are part of that real world.
So, as you can see, that is only one possible scenario. And there are so many others.
The important thing is to communicate openly with him about your concern and your hurt. And to agree together that this is a problem for your marriage. And that it doesn't get better on its own. Once you two are both on board that help is needed, not just you, then things can indeed get better. It would be important for you to go to at least one session of the therapy with him to be able to make sure he doesn't just minimize the problems. Many men in this situation refuse to go to therapy for themselves. So you might have better success bringing up couples therapy for the two of you.
One type of therapy is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Why this type for you? Because it focuses on how there have been created emotional barriers and how to get through those barriers. Here is the web address for their therapist finder:
On the website you'll also find excellent books by the founders, Sue Johnson and Leslie Greenberg.
There are not that many therapist who work in these therapies and so I recommended EFT couples therapy knowing that often it's a way to orient you on the type of work you want the therapist you do choose to focus on.
Here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) look at the listing and see if they list couples therapy in their orientations. Interview the therapist and make sure he/she shares your values and you each feel confident in him or her.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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