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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I have been with my husband for 2 years. At first when we

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I have been with my husband for 2 years. At first when we first met we were having sex once or twice a day, after being together for only about 2 months I found he was watching porn on his laptop. I found this strange as we had only been together a short time and it was fresh. He said he didn't know why he did it and wouldn't do it again.
Just on Friday night I was laying in bed watching a movie and wondered where he was, so I got up and found him in the back yard in the darkness pulling himself.
I don't understand how he could do this while I was at home. Is this serious or is it quite normal for men to do this?

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are seeing a side of your husband that is hurtful for sure. And it's distressing as well. These are normal reactions on your parts.

Your question is whether his behavior is normal. And I think you can easily agree that it's not normal. You certainly did not expect this nor is it anything that you may have heard of as normal sexual behavior among newly married husbands. But the more difficult question is: what is the problem?

I certainly can't diagnose here and there are way too many possibilities. We don't know if this behavior is in response to some ongoing traumatic event in childhood, or to some other childhood problems. Or if there were other problems in youth. Or if there is a self worth issue. Or an anxiety problem that somehow has a sexual aspect. Or perhaps something else.

It may be helpful to explore some ideas here for you: having sex on his own involves recognizing and looking at pictures, both while you're right there and wanting to engage him sexually, may be an expression of being disconnected from the reality of life in the world, being disconnected from real people, being afraid of interactions and intimacy with real people, withdrawal into his own fantasy.

In his fantasy world, every woman is exactly how he wants her to be and she disappears when he doesn't want her any more. She makes no demands on him, she only asks what he want her to ask, she only does what he wants her to do, she only wants what he wants to give her. This, if it is the case, is most likely not about you at all. He most likely, if this is the case, finds you very exciting sexually and wonderful. But in the real world he may be uncertain of himself and it is not so easy. There's a lot of anxiety, perhaps, dealing with the real world and you are part of that real world.

So, as you can see, that is only one possible scenario. And there are so many others. The important thing is to communicate openly with him about your concern and your hurt. And to agree together that this is a problem for your marriage. And that it doesn't get better on its own. Once you two are both on board that help is needed, not just you, then things can indeed get better. It would be important for you to go to at least one session of the therapy with him to be able to make sure he doesn't just minimize the problems.

Here is an online therapist finder for Australia that I like because you can see a picture of the person and read about them a bit. You need to interview the therapist and make sure he/she is comfortable working with sexual problems and issues.

The Australian Psychological Society has a search.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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