Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It is ok to set limits with your daughter. It sounds like she is using your and your husband as a way to deal with her feelings and adding guilt to control you. And it has come to the point where you and your husband are being emotionally and verbally abused by her. Depression should not make someone act in this manner nor does it give her the right to hurt you.
It may be that because of how your daughter was treated as a child, she may have learned that bullying
others is the way you treat others, particularly your family. This is learned behavior and therefore can be unlearned. The depression does not have anything to do with how badly she is treating you because although she may have increased irritability, emotional and verbal abuse is not a symptom of depression.
It is obvious you love your daughter. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to set limits and right now, your daughter needs limits. If she was not working and had no way to support herself, then that might be different. But if she works, then she can find a way to support herself. So you may want to make a plan on getting her out of your house and into her own place.
Start by planning on a date you want her to leave. Make it as soon as possible. Talk to her about this date and let her know that you will help her plan her move, but that you are firm on the date. No matter how much she gets upset, calmly tell her that you are not changing your mind. If she would happen to become more abusive, tell her you will have her removed from your home, then do it and change your locks. She needs to know you are serious about your boundaries with her. Otherwise she will continue to take advantage and hurt you. She needs to learn to be responsible for her own behavior or she will always blame you and your husband.
If you feel your daughter's past is still affecting her, you can suggest she talk to a therapist to work it out. She needs to work on her issues and move on so she can live a more fulfilling life. But if she won't get help, you may have to let it go. But do consider therapy for yourself and your husband if he is willing to go. You have been through a very stressful time with your daughter and you need to talk out your feelings as well as find ways to cope with her behavior.
I hope this has helped you,
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