Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how frustrating and distressing this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring wife and it sounds as though your husband is a loving and caring husband. And the past is being dragged way too much into the present. That's not good or healthy. And it's not necessary.
I'd like you to share my answer with your husband so that the two of you can help each other even more let the past go back where it belongs: in the past. Okay?
First, yes, you are correct: what leads one to an orgasm can change because physiological responses can be connected to ones psychological and emotional state. In fact, your statement is not as focused and strong as how we are actually built. Let me explain.
Human sexuality is almost all emotional and psychological. Without getting too technical, we have in our brain something called the pleasure center. So sexual desire as well as pleasure is actually activated there, thus, not only orgasms. Let me give an example that everyone has experienced:
Let's say you or he are really looking forward to having sex. That means that your brain is visualizing, thinking. Your emotions are aroused as well. The pleasure center is activated. It sends messages to your genitalia and they begin to get "warmed up". So you're feeling "hot", right?
But then, the sink plugs up and the microwave blows a fuse and you or he goes, oh no! (Or some other phrase...). Instantly, you're not "hot" any more, agreed? What happened?
Actually, the body responses in the genitalia are not the first to stop. They're still "warmed up". But the adrenalin going to the brain has overridden the pleasure center as the parts of the brain processing the emotion of anxiety and concern that adrenalin produces go into action. Right? In other words, once your pleasure center is not primary, there goes the hot feeling.
So back to our discussion, what activates our pleasure center does indeed change. When we're young and bombarded with lots of different cultural messages based on our environment, our pleasure center responds accordingly. We then settle down and have different emotional connections in our lives, and we learn different thought patterns of understanding, and that changes our emotional responses as well. And so our pleasure center responds to those changes too.
Thus, the past was the past and the present is the present. You are the person who grew from the person you were; you're not the person you were. The same for him. And so he needs to honor that in you: that you've grown and learned and have changed. And you chose him to be the one your pleasure center focuses on and responds to. That's beautiful. And it doesn't revert back to anything automatically or by default. In fact let me address him right now:
I want you to use to reorient your view of what is actually happening. You think of your wife's past and you focus on one very narrow moment in time: your wife's youth. You look at her past and you see yourself being diminished in the present.
I want you to reorient your view: when you think of her past you need to focus on THE PRESENT: she chose YOU. She has affirmed her love for YOU. She saw through all her past experiences and they in fact led her to see how VALUABLE you are.
I'm not talking about pretense. What I wrote above is NOT a pretense! It is the truth when you look at the present: she loves you even more now. Your marriage is better than many people's because she has affirmed her love for you. Do the same.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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