Mental Health

Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Mental Health
This answer was rated:

I am a 47 year old female, 2 teenage children and divorced.

I've been in a relationship...
I am a 47 year old female, 2 teenage children and divorced. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. don't live together. He's still married tho separated and lives alone. He has 2 children, aged 9&12. We've had several ups and downs. He is also my boss. Why won't he divorce his wife? He works long hours, is studying a degree and has his own domestics and leisure time to fit in. I can't stay with him or go away on our own as my daughter 'hates' her father and refuses to stay with him. I support this. From past comments I think/feel/know my boyfriend resents having to come to my home/not have time away alone. I keep thinking he's keeping me as a future option and also, that his life would be better with someone more able/available to give him what he appears to want/need. Should I call it a day? Have tried before but we end up back together but I feel very inadequate and suspicious. Help!
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 13 minutes by:
2/6/2013
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,894
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like there might be a couple of issues going on in your relationship. One is that your boyfriend doesn't want to accommodate your situation with your daughter. It is understandable that it's not easy to always come over your home. However, if he wants to see you he needs to understand that for now, this is how you need it to be. It won't always be like this.
To address this issue, you may want to try to makes some compromises. Maybe hire someone to stay with your daughter for a weekend, for example. Or allow her to stay with an older relative. Just so you can give your boyfriend some time. You may want to try this to see if it does improve things between you both.
The other issue is that your boyfriend has not let go and moved on from his wife. He is still legally married (even after 4 years), which means he cannot commit to you. Why he won't proceed is curious. He either is unsure about leaving her for good, likes the arrangement as it is (has a wife and a girlfriend, sometimes an ego issue for men) or he still wants to try to make things work with her. None of those are easy to consider, I know. However, the last thing you deserve is to be in a relationship with someone in limbo over their past relationship and who won't let go. You need to have him free to make choices with you and not tied to his past.
You may want to ask him point blank why the divorce is not taking place. You are with him in a relationship and he needs to be fair to you about where he stands with you. He would not like it if you were still tied to your ex, so you deserve the same consideration.
If you try both of these things with him and you get bad results (i.e. he refuses to tell you why he is not divorced and/or he won't compromise on the visiting at your home) then you may want to rethink the relationship. Although it is painful to consider ending the relationship, you have been with him for four years which is considered a long term and therefore committed. You should be getting more consideration and his full attention by now. If that is not happening, finding another relationship where you can get your needs met might be a better option.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,894
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMarryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Thank you. He tells me there is nothing to be gained from divorcing her yet and I think he's scared that she'll be vindictive in terms of access to his children. He is extremely attached to his children and they to him but she gives limited access at present - a few hours at their family home on Thursday evenings and from lunchtime til 7pm on Sundays when he can take them where he wants. This time never includes me - I have briefly met his children twice. I believe his wife holds me responsible for their marriage breakdown and any subsequent girlfriends may allow him more access to his children, which he would love.
He says he's prepared to be patient and expects me to be. However, the fact that he's still married and they still have many attachments after all this time makes me feel anxious. Is he being reasonable and are my expectations too high? Helen

You're welcome, Helen!

It is understandable that he fears losing his privileges with his children, but he should be working that out with his attorney. No reasonable judge would take his children away unless their were serious issues and it does not sound like there is any, so that may not be a valid reason. It seems like there is more to this than he is telling you. Plus the fact that you have only a few very brief interactions with his children tells you that he is still firmly committed to his wife and what she wants.

Your expectations are definitely not too high. He won't leave his wife for some reason but it is probably not for the ones he told you. Does he expect you to wait until the kids are of age? That would be a good question to ask him. That is many years from now and not worth waiting for. He basically is asking you to put your life and expectations of a normal relationship on hold while he does what he needs to with his wife and kids. And that is not fair to you. He is either in or out of your relationship. Unfortunately, you may have to make that choice for him and move on if you want a more committed relationship from someone.

Kate

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,894
5,894 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

TherapistMarryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMarryAnn

TherapistMarryAnn

Therapist

5,894 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
I'd like to know about my confidentiallity rights before
Hi, I'd like to know about my confidentiallity rights before describing my situation. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
If a child cried after leaving a bonding assessment with a
Second opinion] If a child cried after leaving a bonding assessment with a mother (because she didn't want to leave the mother) would the therapist likely say the child has abandonment issues or would… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
764 satisfied customers
How do I deal with severe abandonment issues? I am
How do I deal with severe abandonment issues? I am constantly afraid of people around me hurting me or leaving me. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My mother watches my 2 children ages 7 and 4, 3 times a
My mother watches my 2 children ages 7 and 4, 3 times a week. She has been divorced from my fathers for 30+ years but still harbors resentment towards him. Growing up she told us things about the divo… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
764 satisfied customers
I live in Pennsylvania and I'm looking for an expert in the
i live in Pennsylvania and I'm looking for an expert in the area of Cluster B personality Disorders … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
If a child cried after leaving a bonding assessment with a
If a child cried after leaving a bonding assessment with a mother (because she didn't want to leave the mother) would the therapist likely say the child has abandonment issues or would she say the chi… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I suffer from anxiety, and have been taking Ativan 0.5mg,
I suffer from anxiety, and have been taking Ativan 0.5mg, one a day for 23 years. Recently my doctor told me, (because of some anxiety issues) I could take up to three of my 0.5mg Ativan. Is there a p… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
764 satisfied customers
My husband is addicted to porn. How and where can I get him
my husband is addicted to porn. How and where can I get him help? … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
ADHD Question: Do adults who had ADHD growing up and with
ADHD Question: Do adults who had ADHD growing up and with continuing ADHD into adulthood have difficulty maintaining close relationships with others or appreciating the importance and value of other p… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
5,894 satisfied customers
How should I handle a situation with a group of ladies who
How should I handle a situation with a group of ladies who asked me how a friend was and I felt compelled to answer about her health with too much info and now I am afraid my friend who has no idea th… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I an suffering from severe panick disorder. It started 6
Second opinion] I an suffering from severe panick disorder. It started 6 months ago When I had them before I would meditate and pray and go to sleep . Now I have gerd and have to take medicine advil t… read more
TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn
Therapist
5,894 satisfied customers
I'm currently on fmla leave with plans to return to work Jan
hi i'm currently on fmla leave with plans to return to work Jan 17, however, today or saturday I had to go to the emergency room with elevated blood press or thy called it a panic attack … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
I am currently weaning from one anxiety medications to
I am currently weaning from one anxiety medications to another for hypochondriasis. I am under the guidance of my psychiatrist. I am finding my health worries are very high whilst I am switching meds.… read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
764 satisfied customers
I was interested in beginning therapy but researching if it
Hello! I was interested in beginning therapy but researching if it was covered by insurance … read more
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
764 satisfied customers
At times I am happy an excited to be around others but
Hello,at times I am happy an excited to be around others but sometimes I feel like I can stare at a wall for hours, completely empty. What symptom would this be indicative of?… read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
I'm a Bipolar 36 year-old male with severe anxiety and
I'm a Bipolar 36 year-old male with severe anxiety and depression. What is the best anxiety medicine I should be taken? I've taken Clonazepam for 8 years and it no longer helps. Would another drug lik… read more
Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD
Internal Medicine Physician
Doctoral Degree
2,675 satisfied customers
Why is it that my husband will not make love and i mean it
Why is it that my husband will not make love and i mean it goes for months but i just found out that he will pleasure himself but he will not tell me why he just says that he has not sex drive … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
I went through a major depressive episode after an abortion
I went through a major depressive episode after an abortion which resulted in several suicide attempts last year in June. Since then I've recovered and I'm doing well. I'm not on any current mendications and I'm still improving in my mood. Anxiety is stabilised and under control. However I want to return to my nursing school. My psychiatrist is hesitant to say I'm fit to return back to nursing as she has only seen me once. How do I go about getting a medical clearance? How do I prove that I'm mentally stable? It is important for me to continue my degree, as this is the first major step for me to take to regain some of my life back. … read more
Linda D.
Linda D.
Master\u0027s Degree
793 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x