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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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My fiancee is in the army, and he's having a terrible time

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My fiancee is in the army, and he's having a terrible time dealing with all that comes with it. His self esteem has completely dropped and he's depressed. He's taking it all out on our relationship, and it's one minute he's okay and the next day something happens and he snaps. This time he's completely snapped and said we shouldn't be together. I know everything in the army has had him completely down and he's so fed up with it, he doesn't have control over it, so he's been taking it out on us.. what can I tell him to try and help..?
Hello, I'd like to help. First, let me tell you, I can understand your concerns here and I admire you for reaching out for help. It takes a strong and brave person to reach out for help! When you say your fiance "just snapped" does that mean he was physically aggressive towards you too?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

No, I'm not there, he's stationed in Germany.. When he snapped, I mean by he said he was done with us, our relationship, when it doesn't relate to anything that's going on around him. I'm trying to understand him more by talking to his friends. From what I know, he hates the unit he's in and he hates his location and the lack of people right there for him is also hurting him. This is the second time he's tried to end our relationship, when I know that's not what he wants..

Ok, thank you for clarifying for me. I see. How do you respond towards him when he says these things and becomes irritated this way? How long have you been dating, how long engaged?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

We've been together for a year and and 3 months, I'm usually there for him and I listen to what he says, and I try to understand what I can of it. I try telling him that, it isn't what he wants, and I've been telling him now, that he can't be putting our relationship in the middle of what's going on between him and the army. I don't think that's fair. I've tried explaining to him they're 2 different things. But he feels he take everything out on it because he has control over it and it's what he has left that he can control. But I don't think that's right. I help him in whatever ways I can, I talk to him and I try to make him feel better. I keep telling him he doesn't have that far off to go until he's out of the army and back home which is in 11 months. I tell him he's strong and he's so much better than that and how proud of him I am and he keeps pushing me away.. I don't know what else to do..

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
Thanks for your question. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your fiancee. I think it's important to consider that you may have handled this situation as well as you possibly could have on your end, but that you are correct that outside factors are preventing him from being able to focus on your relationship the way he needs to. Because of that, there may not be a way that you can explain this to him, and in order for him to really decide how he feels about your relationship for himself, he may actually need that space right now.

If the problem really is the army and these outside factors, then he is going to see for himself that your relationship together isn't the problem, and he will likely reconsider how he feels about your relationship after taking that space. However if he feels like he has been convinced to be in the relationship instead of him deciding for himself, it may cause him to continue pushing and creating distance as he has been doing lately. As difficult as it may seem, sometimes the best thing to do is to give him what he's looking for in terms of some space. As long as you are correct that the problems don't actually have to do with your relationship together, he should eventually see this for himself and it will make your relationship stronger in the long run. Unfortunately even if your assessment of how he feels is completely on target, he is going to need to reach the same conclusions on his own if he isn't responding to your explanations. Hang in there and good luck with everything,

Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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