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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I have been living with a narcissistic husband for 12 years,

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I have been living with a narcissistic husband for 12 years, I decided I am unable to keep this relation anymore, I have 3 children, I wonder if I should stay for the kids or just leave and go on with my life
Thanks for your question.

I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband. While I can respect that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your kids, that's not always what is best for everyone in the long run. You have to also consider the message that it sends your kids, and they are most likely to model their relationships after the ones that they see growing up. You may ask yourself what you would want your kids to do if they were in a similar situation, and that may help to guide your decision for yourself.
Overall you are going to be capable of being the best mother you can be if you are happy with yourself and your life. Ending a relationship can obviously be very complicated, but if the message that it is sending to your kids is that they should not put up with that type of behavior in their own adult relationships, that can be a very positive outcome.

Often times people who are narcissistic do not believe that they are contributing to the problems and that they are not willing to change or compromise enough to make a relationship work properly. If your husband is willing to work together with you to improve your relationship, that would be a very positive sign that things can get better. However, if there is no end in sight to this and you are already at the end of your rope, it may be best for everyone if you were to at least consider a seperation, if not ending the relationship.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

The problem is when issues come up he promises to change, then two weeks later ignorance starts, he thinks that everything in this world is about him, I always ask what about me! He never said I love you, but at the same time he wants my love and attention. I told him that I am thinking of separation and moved to another bedroom, he ignored me as if I am an insect! I understand that I hurt him when I say I want separation but a normal human being would negotiate, would talk about it, am I right, I am really confused.

I agree that most people would negotiate, talk about it, or try to come to some type of resolutions. Perhaps it is possible that he is hurt, and that once he cools down he'll be ready to talk. However, people who are truly narcissistic often lack that ability, and are either too proud or truly believe that they have done nothing wrong and don't need to change. That is especially confusing if you are expecting him to respond as most people would, but if his world primarily revolves around himself, it's not too surprising that he wouldn't be taking your feelings into consideration.

He has to truly want to make your relationship better as well as be willing to put forth the effort to make that happen in order for things to improve. At this point if you're only left with a pattern of broken promises that he will change, it would seem like something different needs to happen in order to assure you that there is a possibility of that happening. Ideally he would be willing to go to marriage counseling with you, and in that way even if he doesn't believe that he is part of the problem at first, it still shows that he is willing to work with you to make you relationship better. Otherwise if he is acting as if he doesn't care whether or not you are seperated and isn't willing to talk about it, then he isn't leaving you with many options. Hang in there,

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