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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
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I have THEE LOWEST sex drive ever...I am married and love my

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I have THEE LOWEST sex drive ever...I am married and love my husband very much and HIS sex drive is over the top- we could make love / have sex every day and it would not satisfy him. I feel like it is a chore and I make up excuses all the time to avoid sex. THAT is so unfair to my husband. Btw: We also have a 3 yr old son.I feel like I am VERY abnormal in my feelings in this area- & have asked a Dr. If there is any type of help out there for women -like there is for men and the answer was basically NOPE! HELP PLEASE! IS THERE HELP? THANK YOU.
Dr. L :


Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting this is to you..and to your husband.

Dr. L :

I am going to post a good article here from the world famous Mayo Clinic. Please see this link:

Dr. L :

Dr. L :

Low sex drive in women is common and as this article says there are treatment options.

Dr. L :

Let me state that you are not abnormal in this area! After nearly 30 years as a clinical psychologist I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is not new to me..nor would it be to most psychologists or therapists!

Dr. L :

One of the things to remember here is that you have a 3 year old...many people would say that chasing a 3 year old day after day would kill anyone's sex drive...

Dr. L :

But all kidding aside...when one partner has a high drive and the other a low drive...that can make the bedroom an uncomfortable place to be.

Dr. L :

I am also going to post a link to another article about low sex drive:

Dr. L :

Dr. L :

Please take a look at these two articles and let me know if you find these helpful.

Dr. L :

As you will see from these are not abnormal..and there are treatment optios.

Dr. L :


Dr. L :

I will wait for your reply.


Thank you. I am going to go check out the articles now and will get back to you. I also want to say thank you for your positivity and being so personable. ! :-D

Dr. L :

You are welcome.

Dr. L :

Yes...please check out these two articles and then we can chat!


I have to type in the address is for both articles numerous times and cannot find them is there anyway that you can post the link so that I can just click on them please otherwise I cannot get the information I don't know why please help thank you

Dr. L :

Yes..did you try to cut & paste?

Dr. L :

I will cut & paste the articles in this chat for you..that will save you time.

Dr. L :
By Colette Bouchez
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Has the "free love" generation lost its mojo?

If you talk to baby boomer gals, it seems the answer is yes. Indeed, as millions of women enter perimenopause and then transgress to menopause and beyond, many say they check their sex drive at the door – and most are not happy about it.

Recommended Related to Sex & Relationships

Making Lust Last

By Keith Ablow, M.D. Rekindling Passion For The Husband You Still Love People sometimes tell me they know a couple married 20 years whose sex life is still as good as it ever was. Here's what I tell them in return: "There are only three possibilities. One: This couple is lying. Two: They are telling the truth, because they didn't have good sex to begin with. Or three: Sex is all they really have together. They never connected emotionally." I've drawn that conclusion by listening...

Read the Making Lust Last article > >

"I don't think a day goes by when at least one patient – and usually more – complain that their sex drive is dropping off and want to know what they can do about it," says Laura Corio, MD, a gynecologist and clinical instructor at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York City.

Clinically known as HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder) Corio says she doesn't think more women are affected now than in the past, but she does believe more are coming forward -- prompted, at least in part, by the success male potency drugs like Viagra.

"The man gets a prescription for Viagra and he's ready to rock and roll while she's thinking 'Hey, where's my pill?' If she's not ready to jump in the old van and join him for a ride, there can be real problems," says Corio.

Discovering What's Wrong

While male sex drive is easy to define -- and relatively easy to restore -- that's often not the case for women. Because the female sex drive is multifactorial, the desire to make love is not only influenced by physical issues, but emotional ones as well.

"Part of the desire to make love is clearly physical, but part is also emotional – depression can make a difference, so can any emotional issue in a woman's life; female sex drive is very multidimensional," says Glenn D. Braunstein, MD, an endocrinologist and chair of the department of medicine at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

While emotions are frequently behind a loss of sex drive in younger women, doctors say it is frequently theagingprocess itself that's causes changes in desire in women over age 45.

"The very fact that a woman is no longer ovulating regularly, or not ovulating at all, automatically takes her sex drive down a few notches," says Steven Goldstein, MD, professor of ob-gyn and NYU Medical Center in New York City.

Nature's Design for Sex

Indeed, as many women are aware, Mother Nature built in a natural increase in the desire for sex beginning just prior to ovulation, and lasting several days afterwards -- not coincidentally, the only time of the month conception is possible.

Stop ovulating, says Goldstein, and you automatically lose that regularly scheduled boost in your sex drive that has been present since puberty -- and you're probably going to notice.

"There's nothing wrong with you; it's just the way nature works," says Goldstein.

Moreover, around menopause, when there is also less estrogen circulating in your body, that too can bring your sex drive down for the count.

Dr. L :

"Estrogen is a mood elevator, it works in the brain to maintain interest in sex, but it also works at the level of the genitals, helping to increase sensation and just making sex more pleasurable," says Corio.

Without it, she says, not only can desire take a dive, vaginal tissue begins to dry and shrink. As a result, intercourse can become uncomfortable, or even painful. Problems with desire, say experts, are easy to understand.

"Who wants to make love when making love hurts?" asks Goldstein.

Moreover, he says, avoiding sex because of pain only leads to more pain. The old "use or lose it" theory really does apply.

"From a strictly physical standpoint, the less sex you have the more painful it is when you try to have it," he says.

Put the Sizzle in Sex

While estrogen levels are important, the latest research shows that the male hormone testosterone also plays a role in a woman's sex drive. Though present in only tiny amounts, some doctors say it's the seasoning that makes her sex drive sizzle.

Moreover, when levels become erratic, as they do at midlife, that sizzle can fizzle fast.

"There are a lot of physical reasons a woman can experience a decrease in sexual desire. But for many women who are otherwise healthy, a drop in testosterone that occurs at midlife is the reason," says Braunstein, who is one of the nation's leading researchers on testosterone treatment in women.

Complicating matters further, studies show that sometimes the very treatments women take to control midlife symptoms -- such as HRT or low-dose birth control pills -- can actually disrupt desire by robbing the body of testosterone.

"When these hormones are taken orally, they are metabolized by the liver, which in turn puts out a protein that binds to testosterone, causing a deficiency," says Braunstein. This, he says, can also be true for younger women using birth control pills for contraception.

And while in younger women the answer may be to simply switch brands of birth control pills, in women over 40, Braunstein says, adding tiny amounts of testosterone back into the body is the solution.

But not everyone agrees. Goldstein says the jury is still out on whether it really can help or even if it's safe. And the FDA advisory panel ruled that the testosterone patch for women needed more safety data before approval is granted.

Still, many doctors do prescribe testosterone "off label" -- frequently turning to drugs like Estratest, a combination estrogen-testosterone prescription approved for hot flashes and other menopause symptoms. But if you're at all worried about taking estrogen, experts say this is not the drug for you.

Finding Your Mojo Again

Admittedly, there are far more options for men seeking to rediscover their libido than there are for women trying to find theirs. In fact, despite rumors -- and even some early clinical evidence -- that Viagra can encourage both genders to jump in the van and head for the all-night love fest, studies show it had disappointing results in

Dr. L :

That said, the picture is not as grim as one might think. Experts WebMD consulted suggest talking to your doctor about the following:

  • A blood test for low thyroid function and iron deficiency anemia, two common disorders that can affect sex drive.

  • Discuss whether or not you may be suffering from low-level depression -- which can affect libido. If you are already taking an SSRI antidepressant drug, discuss switching to another type of medication, which won't dampen sex drive. Some studies show that taking Viagra in this setting may improve sexual desire.

  • Localized estrogen therapy. Placing estrogen directly into the vagina soothes vaginal tissue, and allows the secretions necessary for comfortable sex and possibly even an increase in sexual desire, says Goldstein. Unlike oral estrogens that carry some cancer risks, he says estrogens applied locally to the vagina are generally safe. They are available as suppository tablets, creams, or "rings," which sit inside the vagina and give off small doses of the hormone over time.

  • Compounded testosterone cream. Many compounding pharmacies (they make medicines from scratch) offer testosterone creams and gels, but you'll need a doctor's prescription. Corio says they can be applied to the vagina to increase sensation, or to the clitoris to increase orgasm.

  • Vitamin E. When used locally in the vagina it can help rehydrate tissue and may possibly increase sensation. No need for a prescription here; Corio says just stick a pin in a vitamin E capsule and apply to the vagina several times a week, even if you're not having sex. And be sure to use a lubricant when you are having sex – either vitamin E or a commercially prepared product such as K-Y Jelly or Astroglide.

  • Zestra. A small, placebo-controlled trial published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2003 showed that when used as a genital massage oil, this proprietary blend of botanicals (including borage seed and evening primrose oils, Angelica root and vitamins C and E) provided a statistically significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm, and pleasure, in 20 women with or without sexual desire problems. The treatment also worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medicines.

  • ArginMax. In a study of 77 women, a controlled double blind study found the nutritional supplement ArginMax increased sexual desire and satisfaction in more than twice the number of women taking placebo. The research was published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2001.

Before using supplements, you should first have a discussion with your doctor, as side effects or drug interactions can occur.

Don't Be Driven by Declining Sex Drive

As frustrating as a lagging libido can be for some women, for others, it can simply be a rite of passage to a quieter, gentler time. In fact, Goldstein says that for many women, and their partners, a lessened sex drive is not a problem and is often replaced by other intimate and bonding experiences.

As such, Goldstein reminds us that a reduced need for sex and a declining drive are not medical problems -- and if they don't cause you distress, there is no need to seek treatment.

"Just because your sex drive is different, doesn't mean there is something wrong or that you have to try and fix it. If less sex isn't bothering you, your partner, or your relationship, then take heart -- you are maturing in the way nature intended," says Goldstein.

Mayo article

Dr. L : Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

A woman's sexual desires naturally fluctuate over the years. Highs and lows commonly coincide with the beginning or end of a relationship or with major life changes, such as pregnancy, menopause or illness. Some antidepressants and anti-seizure medications also can cause low sex drive in women.

If you have a persistent or recurrent lack of interest in sex that causes you personal distress, you may have hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

But you don't have to meet this medical definition to seek help. If you are bothered by a low sex drive or decreased sex drive, there are lifestyle changes and sex techniques that may put you in the mood more often. Some medications may offer promise as well.

Dr. L : Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff

If you want to have sex less often than your partner does, neither one of you is necessarily outside the norm for people at your stage in life — although your differences may cause distress. Similarly, even if your sex drive is weaker than it once was, your relationship may be stronger than ever. Bot***** *****ne: There is no magic number to define low sex drive. It varies from woman to woman.

When to see a doctor
If you're bothered by your low desire for sex, talk to your doctor. The solution could be as simple as changing the type of antidepressant you take.

Dr. L : Causes

By Mayo Clinic staff

A woman's desire for sex is based on a complex interaction of many components affecting intimacy, including physical well-being, emotional well-being, experiences, beliefs, lifestyle and current relationship. If you're experiencing a problem in any of these areas, it can affect your sexual desire.

Physical causes
A wide range of illnesses, physical changes and medications can cause a low sex drive, including:

  • Sexual problems. If you experience pain during sex or an inability to orgasm, it can hamper your desire for sex.

  • Medical diseases. Numerous nonsexual diseases can also affect desire for sex, including arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and neurological diseases.

  • Medications. Many prescription medications — including some antidepressants and anti-seizure medications — are notorious libido killers.

  • Alcohol and drugs. A glass of wine may make you feel amorous, but too much alcohol can spoil your sex drive; the same is true of street drugs.

  • Surgery. Any surgery related to your breasts or your genital tract can affect your body image, sexual function and desire for sex.

  • Fatigue. The exhaustion of caring for aging parents or young children can contribute to low sex drive.

Hormone changes
Changes in your hormone levels may alter your desire for sex. This can occur during:

  • Menopause. Estrogen levels drop during the transition to menopause. This can cause decreased interest in sex and dryer vaginal tissues, resulting in painful or uncomfortable sex. At the same time, women may also experience a decrease in the hormone testosterone, which boosts sex drive in men and women alike. Although many women continue to have satisfying sex during menopause and beyond, some women experience a lagging libido during this hormonal change.

  • Pregnancy and breast-feeding. Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and during breast-feeding can put a damper on sex drive. Of course, hormones aren't the only factor affecting intimacy during these times. Fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of carrying — or caring for — a new baby can all contribute to changes in your sexual desire.

Psychological causes
Your problems don't have to be physical or biological to be real. There are many psychological causes of low sex drive, including:

  • Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression

  • Stress, such as financial stress or work stress

  • Poor body image

  • Low self-esteem

  • History of physical or sexual abuse

Relationship issues
For many women, emotional closeness is an essential prelude to sexual intimacy. So problems in your relationship can be a major factor in low sex drive. Decreased interest in sex is often a result of ongoing issues, such as:

  • Lack of connection with your partner

  • Unresolved conflicts or fights

  • Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences

  • Infidelity or breach of trust

Dr. L : Preparing for your appointment

By Mayo Clinic staff

Primary care doctors and gynecologists often ask about sex and intimacy as part of a routine medical visit. Take this opportunity to be candid about your sexual concerns. If your doctor doesn't broach the subject, bring it up. You may feel embarrassed to talk about sex with your doctor, but this topic is perfectly appropriate. In fact, your sexual satisfaction is a vital part of your overall health and well-being.

What you can do
To prepare for this discussion with your doctor:

  • Take note of any sexual problems you're experiencing, including when and how often you usually experience them.

  • Make a list of your key medical information, including any conditions for which you're being treated, and the names of all medications, vitamins or supplements you're taking.

  • Consider questions to ask your doctor and write them down. Bring along notepaper and a pen to jot down information as your doctor addresses your questions.

Some basic questions to ask your doctor include:

  • What could be causing my problem?

  • Will my level of desire ever get back to what it once was?

  • What lifestyle changes can I make to improve my situation?

  • What treatments are available?

  • What books or other reading materials can you recommend?

Questions your doctor may ask
Your doctor will ask questions about the symptoms you're experiencing and assess your hormonal status. Questions your doctor may ask include:

  • Do you have any sexual concerns?

  • Has your interest in sex changed?

  • Do you have trouble becoming aroused?

  • Do you experience vaginal dryness?

  • Are you able to have an orgasm?

  • Do you have any pain or discomfort during sex?

  • How much distress do you feel about your sexual concerns?

  • How long have you experienced this problem?

  • Are you still having menstrual periods?

  • Have you ever been treated for cancer?

  • Have you had any gynecologic surgeries?

  • What medications or vitamin supplements do you take?

Dr. L : Tests and diagnosis

By Mayo Clinic staff

By definition, you may be diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you frequently lack sexual thoughts or desire, and the absence of these feelings causes you personal distress. Whether you fit this medical diagnosis or not, your doctor can look for reasons that your sex drive isn't as high as you'd like and find ways to help.

In addition to asking you questions about your medical history, your doctor may also:

  • Perform a pelvic exam. During a pelvic exam, your doctor can check for signs of physical changes contributing to low sexual desire, such as thinning of your genital tissues, vaginal dryness or pain-triggering spots.

  • Recommend testing. Blood tests may check for evidence of thyroid problems, diabetes, high cholesterol and liver disorders.

  • Refer you to a specialist. A specialized counselor or sex therapist may be able to better evaluate emotional and relationship factors that can cause low sex drive.

Dr. L : Treatments and drugs

By Mayo Clinic staff

Most women benefit from a treatment approach aimed at the many causes behind this condition. Recommendations may include sex education, counseling and sometimes medication.

Your doctor will want to evaluate the medications you're already taking, to see if any of them tend to cause sexual side effects. For example, antidepressants such as paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva) and fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem) often lower sex drive. Switching to bupropion (Aplenzin, Wellbutrin) — a different variety of antidepressant — usually improves sex drive.

Talking with a sex therapist or counselor skilled in addressing sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy often includes education about sexual response and techniques and recommendations for reading materials or couples' exercises.

Hormone therapy
Estrogen delivered throughout your whole body — by pill, patch or gel — can have a positive effect on brain function and mood factors that affect sexual response. But this systemic estrogen therapy may increase your risk of heart disease and breast cancer.

Smaller doses of estrogen — in the form of a vaginal cream or a slow-releasing suppository or ring that you place in your vagina — can increase blood flow to the vagina and help improve desire without the risks associated with systemic estrogen. In some cases, your doctor may prescribe a combination of estrogen and progesterone.

Male hormones, such as testosterone, play an important role in female sexual function, even though testosterone occurs in much lower amounts in women. However, replacing testosterone in women is controversial and it's not approved by the Food and Drug Administration for sexual dysfunction in women. Plus, it can cause acne, excess body hair, and mood or personality changes.

Dr. L : Lifestyle and home remedies

By Mayo Clinic staff

Healthy lifestyle changes can make a big difference in your desire for sex:

  • Exercise. Regular aerobic exercise and strength training can increase your stamina, improve your body image, elevate your mood and boost your libido.

  • Stress less. Finding a better way to cope with work stress, financial stress and daily hassles can enhance your sex drive.

  • Communicate with your partner. Couples who learn to communicate in an open, honest way usually maintain a stronger emotional connection, which can lead to better sex. Communicating about sex also is important. Talking about your likes and dislikes can set the stage for greater sexual intimacy.

  • Set aside time for intimacy. Scheduling sex into your calendar may seem contrived and boring. But making intimacy a priority can help put your sex drive back on track.

  • Add a little spice to your sex life. Try a different sexual position, a different time of day or a different location for sex. If you and your partner are open to experimentation, sex toys and fantasy can help rekindle your sexual sizzle.

Dr. L : Coping and support

By Mayo Clinic staff

Low sex drive can be very difficult for you and your partner. It's natural to feel frustrated or sad if you aren't able to be as sexy and romantic as you want — or you used to be. At the same time, low sex drive can make your partner feel rejected, which can lead to conflicts and strife. And this type of relationship turmoil can further reduce desire for sex.

It may help to remember that fluctuations in your sex drive are a normal part of every relationship and every stage of life. Try not to focus all of your attention on sex. Instead, spend some time nurturing yourself and your relationship. Go for a long walk. Get a little extra sleep. Kiss your partner goodbye before you head out the door. Make a date night at your favorite restaurant. Feeling good about yourself and your partner can actually be the best foreplay.


OH my goodness!!!! Well no wonder I have a low sex drive!!! - Not only do I take anti -seizure medication -I also take an antidepressant and more! I have an iron deficiency probably AND after my baby was born I had a thyroid problem. I also have rheumatoid arthritis including fibromyalgia -so yes you answered my question very well and thank you for the solutions I can now go to the doctor with Sincerely, Me

Dr. L :

I am thrilled I could help you! Hurrah!

Dr. L :

Take care!


Hallelujah! Now I only hope a Dr. Can actually help me with this and the poss. Solutions. THANK YOU AGAIN! :-D

Dr. L and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you