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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I think my girlfriend of four years flirts with men when in

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I think my girlfriend of four years flirts with men when in restaurants ,bars, hotels etc.
She says that she doesnt,its all in my mind and IM JUST VERY INSECURE..What I see is she picks out a man who is prererably with his partner.Through staring,body langauge she will flirt until we leave.She agressively denies it when I mention it.
Can I be so insecure
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
If you are witnessing her behavior yet she is denying it, then she is trying to make you feel like the wrong one, most likely because she doesn't want to face what she is doing. When someone blames their partner for something they do to hurt them, it can border on emotional abuse. It is basically a way to ignore your feelings in preference for her own, which hurts you and gives your partner permission (in her own mind) to continue her behavior without interference.
Most people who feel the need to flirt do so because they feel insecure. They want the attention and they also like to potentially create conflict with their own partner and the partner of the person they are flirting with. This invites dangerous behavior so they do it in such a way that it is subtle and hard to accuse them. This also adds a sense of superiority because the person feels they are "tricking" everyone else.
You can try confronting your partner again by saying what you saw. If she still denies it, then say "I'm sorry you are not willing to face your own behavior and deal with my feelings about it" or something similar. This lets her know that you are not going to accept being told you are wrong and that you intend on sticking with what you witnessed.
You also need to decide what you are willing to do about her behavior since she seems unwilling to accept responsibility. One option is to leave when you witness her behavior. Another is to refuse to go out with her until she addresses what she is doing. You can also consider seeing a therapist to talk about how you feel and see if she is willing to go with you. A therapist can help you sort out what you are seeing and what might be caused by insecurity.
No matter what you choose to do, believing in yourself is the most important step. There is something going on here and regardless of what it is, you deserve to have it addressed so you can feel better. Hopefully, your partner will support you and not continue to dismiss your feelings.
I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

Here are some resources that may help you:

The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work by David Olsen and Douglas Stephens

Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away by Bethany Marshall


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Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus. I appreciate it!
My best to you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Kate,I sent a reply

I'm sorry, I did not receive it. Can you try again? Sometimes the system loses responses.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank You Kate.

My partner wants us to go to a coucellor,so I can get sorted out.

She claims honesty and loyalty as her strongest attibutes, and my

insecurity needs to be addressed. I dread everytime we go out.My partner gravitates to places where it is predomiently men.

When we enter a place she sits in a place facing people.She surveys the room and identifies a man.Shee stares until theres a reaction. She smiles,adjusts her body, fans her face with her hands. She lakes off her jacket to show her shapely breast. Her clothes ar getting tighter.

Then she yawns. She engages in an apparent conversation with me,While smiling with someone else.Age or appearance dont matter.

.When we leave its like a switch, she acts as if it didnt happen,but she knows that I'm not happy. Am I obsrssed or what. Her husband sufffered from alcohalism and took his own life. She is a good person and I love her. What can I do .?

It certainly sounds like she is flirting with other men. And just the fact that her attention is on them while she is with you tells you a lot. Also, if she was not flirting, she probably would not be telling you that you are insecure. Instead, she needs to take your feelings seriously and let you know by her actions that you are her only focus.
She could have been affected by what she went through with her former husband. Dysfunctional relationships can affect a person's self esteem and also leave them traumatized. Although hurting you is not the best way to handle her issues, it would at least explain them.
Going to counseling is an excellent option. It will help to have someone assist you both in sorting this out and helping her come to terms with her behavior. And you can also address any insecurity you feel you have around this issue. Also, you can try what we talked about before. Stand your ground and act towards her like what you feel is real. Don't let her convince you otherwise. And if she chooses to flirt, don't be part of it. Leave or don't go in the first place. It will be hard for her to deny there is an issue if you keep reacting to what she is doing.