Hello, I'd like to help you with your questions.
It is certainly normal to feel as you did. You just lost three people in your life in terrible ways. And finding your friend after he committed suicide would be very traumatic. It would not be unusual for you to be suffering from PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome just from that experience alone. Add
to that the grief you are going through, and you would probably overwhelm your ability to cope. That could lead to you making some decisions that you normally would not if you were in normal circumstances.
Often when you are faced with circumstances that are too much to handle, your mind tries to find ways to cope. And sometimes that causes you to go outside of your normal behaviors and act out in ways that you would not typically consider. It can also exaggerate your emotions. You may find yourself feeling more angry, anxious or depressed. Things that were simple before can suddenly seem hard to deal with. And you may either pull away from others or seek out relationships with people you would not normally associate with.
Your experiences can also affect your relationship. You may feel like hiding and avoiding your partner. And in your case, you may just have wanted to find an escape that did not require any emotional involvement, just to forget for a while. Although that is not a good response for the health of your relationship, it is understandably given your situation.
The key here is what you decide to do with it. Continuing with this behavior could affect your relationship with your partner and with your friends. They do not want to see you hurt yourself emotionally over this. It may help you to consider talking to a therapist just to help you work through your grief and to find ways to help you cope with what you feel. While you were not "mentally ill" in terms of a diagnosis when you felt as you did, it can still feel like you are overwhelmed with your feelings and like you are going "crazy". That is most likely your mind's way of trying to deal with the trauma and grief. By talking to a therapist, however, they can help you through support and ways to cope that are healthier for you and for your relationship.
I hope this has helped you,