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Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Individual and Family Therapist
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I've got a female who wont stop contacting me. Either it's a

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I've got a female who wont stop contacting me. Either it's a pleas for help, a cry of love and affection, or vitriolic abuse. I told her not to contact me ages ago. I havent see her in person for even longer. Shes thinks I'm coming 'home'. I almost still want to. I gave up changing my numbers and emails a while ago too. She scours the net until she finds them. almost think I should return and she'll be okay but then the hate messages get to me and make me feel sick. The accusations! I have never felt his twisted. In one sense I want to return, the other sense says I understand why some woman get hit. I have never hit a woman and don't actually want to but her mouth is like a sewer or a sweet pie. Not much in between and it switches every few minutes. I am sick of getting calls early in the morning and really don't know what to say to this woman anymore. I hate to see her like this and therefore think about going back to see her. On the other hand I know that being with her isn't the end of the grief. Can anyone relate?

Thanks for your question. My name is ***** ***** I'd like to help you out.

From what you've described it sounds like even if you return to this woman there are going to continue to be problems. If she refuses to stop contacting you, cannot take "no" for an answer, and continues to send hate messages to the point where you can understand why some women get hit, then it would be hard to believe that a healthy and normal relationship could form out of all of this. After having gone through this for a long time I can understand how you would get to the point where you could even consider returning, especially if you are being made to feel guilty. But if the main reason you would return is so that you don't have to see her like this, that generally isn't a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

I obviously don't know your history together and perhaps things were functional at one point. If you truly believe that it is possible to create a healthy relationship, then I can understand your consideration of returning, but it may require the assistance of a couples counselor in order to make sure these current issues don't persist and that she is willing to move on from this. Otherwise, what you've described can certainly be considered harassment, and there may not be anything that you can say to her that will make her stop until she sees that you start to consistantly ignore her. Although that may upset her even more at first, it sounds like that may be the only way for her to get the message that you are no longer interested in a relationship with her.

I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Ryan, thank you for that. Reading your answer I thought that I've read about this ideal of a 'healthy relationship' and heard about it but find myself absolutely resistant to the idea. I've been writing and deleting to get to the issue. I think it remains with me that somehow there is no healthy relationship and if there is its not for me. I need to change that idea eh?

Secondly I really justified a lot of her 'abuse' my mind with compassion because she is alone and so feminine and so fragile...Do you think thats a sign of a a healthy attraction? I always thought so.

No problem I'm glad I can help. I don't think you have to find the classic ideal "healthy relationship," if that's not something that you're interested in. However, even if that's not something you're interested in, you may do yourself a favor by avoiding relationships that would have a negative influence on your life or that makes you feel sick. I would think that even if you're not looking for a conventional relationship, it still has to be one in which you treat each other with some degree of mutual respect.

I know what you mean about justifying the abuse, which can be easy to do for various reasons, but being feminine and fragile isn't a good excuse to be abusive, and in reality nothing is because there are always less hurtful/damaging ways to be expressive and get ideas across. I can certainly understand having some compassion for her due to her being alone, feminine, and fragile, and there may be a lot of reasons to be attracted to her. However if it's the abuse that you are receiving that keeps drawing you back to her, that's generally not the sign of a healthy attraction.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Okay, well thats something to think about for sure. Its not that I like the abuse or that in itself is the attractive thing but its the idea that it will go away if I go back and all will be well. I have never really given it a chance except the most I have spent time with her was a two week roadie and it was terrible. I felt raped! Still, I'm optimisitic. I guess whats bothering me is that this chick by all accounts from anyone I know is a total sicko. Borderline or whatever. What I cant face up to is what does that make me?

It's hard to know what exactly this says about you without talking to you more in depth. Curiosity? Lonliness? Perhaps you feel like you deserve the abuse, or maybe it's something completely different. From what you've described, the odds of something like this working out well are unfortunately not in your favor, but it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that this is possible, despite a lot of evidence that this would only lead to more dysfunction. I can always appreciate optimism, I would just caution you from letting that blind you to realism. No matter what you decide I certainly hope it works out well for you. All the best,

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