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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My partner has been suffering from stress for a while, he

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My partner has been suffering from stress for a while, he has recently finished regular sessions with a psychologist which have really helped. Howerver he has never (8yrs) been able to ejaculate or reach orgasm through any other method than masturbating himself. I has hoped seeing his psychologist would help with this but he didn't raise it as he doesn't like talking about sex and so avoided the issue.
He gets distracted during sex and can't focus, which I hate as I'd like him to focus on the moment, but he can't. He always ensures I climax but sometimes is too goal-orientated, he says he enjoys sex but often I feel he says this to please me rather than because it is true.
He knows how I feel but I try not to mention it often for fear of giving him/increasing his performance anxiety.
I usually initiate sex, and he doesn't like intimate situations such as when I look him in the eye and he feels uncomfortable when I hold his hand or attempt other small, intimate gestures. He feels most relaxed and comfortable when spooning.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a normal young person and you are being very patient and understanding about your partner's sexual problems.

It seems from your description of his ability to ejaculate through masturbation that the problem is indeed psychological and not physiological. So that gives us a starting point to work from. But it also means that the resolution will most likely be a slow process rather than finding the right medication, which can be more speedy. Thus, your patience is going to be tested even more and that's a decision you have to be willing and ready to make.

I take it from the fact that he has to masturbate himself that even if you are masturbating him or engaging in oral sex it is too much emotional stress for him and he loses focus on the pleasure. This seems to be the pattern for him in losing focus: the involvement of another human being causes him emotional distress.

The key, then, is to slowly lessen the distress by getting him to agree to stages of success. Here's what I mean:

You write that he's very goal oriented in sex. This is most likely because being goal oriented is a way to deal with the emotional stress of the whole event of sex with another person. Therefore, the work we're initiating here is to make smaller goals. To get him to drop goals altogether will probably be too intimidating and distressing. So you are going to try to establish with him smaller goals: maintaining an erection long enough to enter your vagina. Then to extend that to long enough to kiss and hug with his penis inside of you. Etc.

Even before that, or with that, might be small goals such as to have you masturbate him for a certain number of minutes without him losing focus before he gives up and switches toward pleasuring you. Goals such as these.

Clearly, working with a psychologist is a good therapeutic model for him. But he needs to now extend that work in therapy to deal with his anxiety and distress at having sex with a partner. A goal may be to have him feel comfortable enough to have you come to session with him to discuss intimacy with his psychologist.

Another possibility is that you seek a psychologist or psychotherapist who is certified as a sex therapist as well. Here is the UK organization's therapist directory:

http://www.cosrt.org.uk/find_therapist.asp


Given our understanding of this as a psychological problem, he is clearly very sensitive and perhaps even traumatized emotionally. So you have to try to do these things and make these efforts gently and gradually. But it sounds from what you write that you are well aware of this and are a very gentle and loving person yourself.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you Dr Mark,

I would love for us to be able to see someone about this, but I know that at the moment it is just too big a step for him, which I understand.

His psychologist introduced him to the technique of "mindfulness", which he does alone, I have asked him about attempting to transfer these techniques to focus on his own pleasure, but he finds this very difficult.

He has very low self esteem and I am worried that he may feel undeserving of my affections and therefore subconciously not allow himself to enjoy being with me.

Thanks

clearly this is involved in his emotional framework. What you say is very true. I sense, though, there must be a lot of things that happened in his childhood to create such a fragile sense of self-worth and so much stress and distress in being intimate with another human being, even when it's someone who is being so understanding as you are.

But I'm also concerned for you:

This is clearly going to be a long road for him. And you are a young person who also has rights to be important emotionally. What I mean is that sometimes in a relationship when one person is so injured emotionally, it is easy for his emotional needs to become dominant, to dominate the "atmosphere" in the relationship. And that can be not so good for the other person.

Because you also have the right to have a full emotional relationship where your needs are attended to and met. So, please consider this commitment as everything you write is pointing to very slow going here.

I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

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