Well, a lot. New house, new (old) firm, new pt job, even a new car. So many changes. I hate change, generally, but these all seem to be good ones. I have been overly busy with the 2 jobs and being chair of the bankruptcy bar. I am getting behind on my work, so I need to cut down on the trustee stuff or do something. I am in Ohio this weekend for my Dad's retirement party. Everyone is here - my sister and her whole family, my brother and his family. It's been 5 years since all of us were together. I mean, all of them are together frequently, but I'm usually not with them. Just went to my 8 year old nephew's basketball game. Hilarious!
I still going to Linda - more like every other week lately. I still going to rose for EMDR every week. And still going to dr m at least once a month. The EMDR was not working too well and just making me miserable all the time. So I took a few week break and rose and Linda go together and decided that the guilt/shame/self-blame thing was blocking my tall therapy (which was why I was sent for EMDR on the first place), but that it is also blocking the EMDR process. So they decided I should do EMDR on childhood/family issues, n/c they think the shame is deeply rooted and was there before the incident. So - they are now coming to the same conclusion you had right off the bat :). The EMDR does seem to work for the childhood stuff and it's not very upsetting unless my mind keeps sliding to the incident. She does a good job of explaining the significance of certain things and drawing connections to what happened, how I reacted, how I feel, etc.
I went through a period (when I took the few weeks off) when I was really frustrated, because neither rose not Linda could understand what I was trying to tell them - basically, that pretending or visualizing things that are not true does not work for me- and I happened to have a med aptmt with dr. M. I told her I was frustrated and what I had been trying to tell them, and she understood and told me how to tell them and offered to tell them for me. She has been very helpful, even aside from the meds. I made a long aptmt with her and decided to tell her the whole thing. I did
that on Tuesday.
I have been frequently feeling like exploding and can't get any relief. Dr m put me on a new sleep med, which helps. But I had been having urges for a long time to cut myself and I was convinced it would give me some relief, & I finally tried it. I told Linda, & she asked a bunch of uncomfortable questions. She wanted to tell rose, and I said no and that she couldn't tell dr m either. She apparently spoke to dr m right before my appointment Tuesday. She said she didn't tell her that, but I asked her specifically, and she admitted she told her not to sit and stare at me and to "support" me as I told her everything. That made me mad and made me feel like I couldn't take dr m's reactions as genuine. She told me all this when I spoke to her after my appointment with dr. M. And she started asking me about cutting, if i was feeling that way, if I was tempted to do it again that night. I old her i wished i had not told her. The. I had an appointment with rose Wednesday, it went okay, but brought some things up. I spoke to Linda on the way home. We talked for a few minutes and she said to go home and go in my bedroom with my dog and music, and try to just put things out of my mind and thin happy thoughts. I instantly started crying and said "do you realize you just said something my parents would say?" She got all alarmed ands sled what I meant. I told her she just basically td me to forget about it and don't be upset. She said that's not what she meant. I just told her I had to go, because I was really upset. I am supposed to see rose on Tuesday when I get back. I don't have a set appointment with Linda right now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel out of control a little.