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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Maybe my husband has a borderline personality disorder. He

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Maybe my husband has a borderline personality disorder. He has extreme mood swing and swears me so badly whenever he gets frustrated. He calls me idiots, moron, bitch, whore, c**t ets because he lost his phone, gets lost, be in trouble. Finally he put hands on me and got arrested twice. But after he cools off, he gets depressed and cries for what he has done. He says he loves me so deeply but next day he calls me bitch. I was confused with his behavior all the time, but I found BPD symtoms and they match his personality. He was abused and left when he was a kid. So, I want some advices how to deal with his problem. How should I react when he gets mad and swears me for no reason?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It does sound like your husband might have a personality disorder. But he also could be abusive or have both issues at the same time. It is not uncommon for someone who is abusive to have a personality disorder as well, whether that is narcissism, borderline or another disorder.
Personality disorders are typically ingrained behaviors that someone develops, usually in response to being raised in a dysfunctional home. The person could not get their needs met (for unconditional love and attention) so they developed other ways to get what they needed which usually involved dysfunctional behaviors. When they grew up, they continued these behaviors even when they were no longer needed. And if your husband was abused as a child, that would explain how he treats you. He may have been exposed only to people who yell, demean and abuse.
Knowing what your husband might have and how to react to his behavior can help. While there is no way to diagnose him without seeing him for an evaluation (which if you can get him to go is the ideal way to know what you are dealing with), the behavior you describe sounds like he is abusive along with having narcissism or borderline personality disorder (or possibly both). Here is a link that can help you further:
Many people can have some traits of one personality disorder or they can have some traits of a couple of personality disorders.
When dealing with someone with a personality disorder, it is helpful to keep in mind that they are not reacting to who you are as a person or even what you are doing. They are going by cues they learned long ago on how to relate to their world. And their responses can seem overwhelming and out of touch with the actual situation. They can also be very hurtful and hard to cope with.
When your husband yells at you and tries to hurt you, it is often best to get out of the situation as fast as possible. As you may already know, trying to reason with someone who is that upset and verbally abusive never works. Your safety and your emotional well being is the first priority. So getting out of the situation is a good idea.
You may also want to learn more about domestic abuse. Though it is hard to think about, what your husband does is considered domestic abuse. Here are some resources to help you:
If your husband won't get help or change in any way (common with someone with a personality disorder), you may have to change how you interact with him. One thing that helps is to see what he does as about his own issues and not you. Also, think of one phrase you can say to him that neutralizes anything he might say, such as "I'm sorry you feel that way". That usually shuts down the person and you can make a quick exit out of the situation.
I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus. I appreciate it!
My best to you,