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Answered in 1 hour by:
1/4/2013
Anne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience: LCSW with 30 years of experience in counseling
VerifiedAnne :
So sorry to hear about this painful situation you and your husband are going through with his daughter. I will try to help you the best I can. In reading your question, my first thought was that this change in her personality could be from drug usage. YOu mentioned that her change in herself, school and substance intake is a 180. This is a common thread seen among drug users. The breakup of her she and her boyfriend may have been a trigger for her do drugs or more. Just a thought. Not sure I would recommend that her father DEMAND a face to face to her as that will most likely cause her to distance herself even more. Has he thought about writing her a letter and expressing his feelings that way? What about her friends? Do you have any contact with any of them or know them well enough to inquire with them? It's also interesting that she agrees her father did nothing to her to cause her distance from him but still continues to be stranged from him. Do you know where she is living or working or with whom? My suggestion would be that her father may want to speak with a counselor and perhaps you as well to seek some further guidance with this situation. As you say, he is very distraught over this and I'm sure this has a huge impact on your relationship and marriage. Any further information about your stepdaughter would be helpful. Thank you
Customer: At first we thought she was just going through something and gave her space. She had a huge fight with her mother and never wanted to see her again, moved in with us. We had her talk to her Mom, they made up and then this started.
Customer: She does not do a lot with former friends and I would say is impressed with the like minded.
Customer: A peer that I am close to never hears from her and says she is very sad at what she has become.
Customer: I know where she lives, but was not told the information.
Customer: Most of her thoughts are broadcast online, so I know she is no longer on the Dean's list and has no direction after she
Customer: graduates. She is very narcissistic now and likes being that way. Mostly wants to be a b and is happy to be
Customer: considered as such.
Customer: I really do not want to contact her mother because I was used for every emergency for over a decade and she has
Customer: neverhas ever once called me to say gee I have no idea what is going on. Sad.
Customer: Every three in the morning thing mom could not handle so we were called.
Customer: Now they are BFFs . We have never treated ad in an unkind manner. always respectful. She said we made a
Customer: great team. Maybe since we are nice people,she cannot be around us because she no longer is ?
Customer: You know, when I was in college, you could not toss a pebble without hitting someone that did cocaine, but no one
Customer: deleted their parents. I know she is into,being a stoner girl and drinking wine. At this point, who cares .
Customer: We have never been judge mental .
Customer: That is why my question is could this be a mental break ?
Customer: It makes no sense.
Customer: I have stated in previous posts , she could still be mean and string us along, get gifts/money and we would
Customer: be none the wiser. An occasional dinner every cole of months and we would never know. She is an adult with her own life.
Customer: But making this point of not communicating is intentionally cruel or mentally I'll behavior IMHO and at this point.
Customer: We have gone through two of every holiday, Mother's Day, Father's Day , Christmas, New Year's , etc. So now , to me, it is
Customer: unsound in every way.
Customer: I meant mentally ill. He cannot send a letter because technically we do not know where she lives.
Customer: I was thinking of a video email but she did not even open an ecard for her birthday in September.
Customer: I sent her my one after a year and a half heartfelt email in July and there was no reply.
Customer: Only when I accidentally saw her one time I called out to her as she was walking away to ask if she got it.
Customer: When she turned to look at me and told me yes I did hear a softness in her voice that she could not hide.
Customer: But that was six months ago.
Customer: She knows how her dad feels. She knows and loves him.
Customer: She told her aunt she knows her stepfather would be devastated if his daughter did not talk to him.
Customer: As I write this, God I hats these people
Customer: m
Customer: hate
Customer: I have been through a lot of abandonement in my life and I don't want to handle this in a meek and mild fashion any longer.
Customer: mY husband and I have seen counselor s.
Customer: Honestly, I don't think most can relate or understand PA.
Customer: I think you are back so I will wait
Customer: I guess it is not working . . .
Anne :
Thanks for the additional information. It could be a mental break. I really wish I could suggest something for you but with you not having an address and her not responding to email, she has basically made a decision to cut you out of her life. Until she decides she wants to change this pattern I see nothing that you or her father can do. It is very sad as it sounds like she may not really want to be like this deep down. She may have a personality disorder of some type or as I said in my first response a reaction to drugs which indeed can change one's personality. I will keep thinking about this one and see if I can come up with a better answer to try to help you both. You have gone above and beyond for this girl and to be treated this way is very painful. Once again, thank you for your response and I will keep working on it.
Customer: Yes, this is the thing.
Customer: She has to decide to change the pattern. My continued fear is that when the time comes, it will be too late.
Customer: i hope we can both let go of that fear.
Customer: Her Dad on
Customer: on
Customer: only wanted her tone happy in life and we know she is not.
Customer: You are right. I know that deep down she does not want this. But deep down must be a long way to come
Customer: back up from. We always wanted to know we were a safe place for her, so maybe she still has that perception in case she wants to reach out.
Customer: I really think society makes light of the effects all substances can have on individuals. Each person's chemistry is so different and the effects can be subtle at first and then cumulative. Add to that other toxins, food additives, brain chemistry . . . Just because you are not sitting on a curb on the side of the road does not mean you are ok. The other side of the family is in denial and I guess we are the scapegoats . We would love to have her back in our lives , but most of all we want to help her come back to herself. Thank you for saying we have done all we can. I hope it is enough and she can pull herself out. Thank you for your input !
Anne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 41
Experience: LCSW with 30 years of experience in counseling
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