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Elliott, I wrote to you about my daughter in Oct. right now

Elliott, I wrote to you about...
Elliott,
I wrote to you about my daughter in Oct. right now i'm very upset that my daughter is telling me that shes going away for 3 days supposedly to visit and stay with a couple of old school friends. Yet she tells me her male "friend"that went to school with them happens to be going out there on business. She claims he told her that he was making it a business/fun trip and she should go too. Her husband still lives in the same house with her and is on vacation that week taking their 3 year old son away for 2 days while shes away. We fight alot because I worry about te time she spends with my grandson.(I babysit him 2 or 3 days a week they both work full time) and I'm sick to death of all her lies to me.Now she says shes going to tell me the truth about things cause thats what I say I want. My grandson is a very happy child. He attends school twice a week and seperately his parents take him to all kinds of very nice kid friendly places. They are good with all his medical stuff too. I guess I'm old school because I think her husband should be in his own place and things should be done legally before having anything with her male "friend" as she calls him, but I don't believe anything coming out of her mouth to me whatsoever.
Also why wouldn't she prefer to be with her son if taking a few days off from work? Her husband thinks its a few school chums going away together. Not even sure if her "friend is legally anything with his ex either. They do not live together. I am So Sick of all the Lies and my daughters Lifestyle that I just feel like parting ways with her. Not seeing my grandson would really hurt. All the people involved in this sordid mess are in their 30's. I can't take it anymore! Both my daughters (30'S) say I am too dramatic and its not my business but i'm so broken hearted. I'm so afraid that she may want to give custody of her son to his father to lead a single lifestyle, and she has said "I would never do that! What kind of mother does that!" The daughter i"m writing about doesn't drink,smoke or go to bars.I don"t believe anything out of her mouth even though she claims shes not going to lie to me. Right now I am contemplating telling her
to have fun on her trip away with her boyfriend that I hope hes worth the lies and her son.
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Answered in 1 hour by:
1/3/2013
Dr. G.
Dr. G., Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,530
Experience: Licensed Psychologist.
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I am not sure when Elliott will be on. Do you mind if I help you?
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

I guess its ok. Elliott is somewhat familiar because i've asked him questions before. Are you able to read the last communications i've had with him only because it pertains to what i already talked to him about. Thank You

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I have finally gotten back onto your question.

The most important fact is that your grandson is happy and well taken care of. I am sure that you would not want to destroy your relationship with him, or your influence on him in order to tell your daughter exactly what you think of her.

She already knows how you think and that you don't approve of her lifestyle. That is the main reason she lies, and cannot understand that she cannot fool her mother.

You have nothing to gain except for some immediate gratification by telling her off and possibly cutting off the relationship. All three of you would lose a lot. I know that you don't want this.

I know that you are unhappy with the way she behaves. It might feel therapeutic to you to lash out at her, but in the end you will feel emptier than ever.

It is perfectly normal to feel this distress. Many parents would. The best way to deal with this is to learn to cope with it. I have clients with similar problems and we find ways of restructuring our thoughts and reactions in more positive ways as you can. Going to see a therapist or counselor may not be your way of handling it but it is an option.

I have a wonderful book that could help you a great deal. You will perhaps find this as helpful as seeing a therapist. You can get this at amazon.com or elsewhere:

Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke

There is a lot of wisdom in those pages.

Once again, I urge you to be temperate and do your best to focus on the positive of your relationship with your grandson, and the positive sides with your daughter(s).

I wish you great strength and wisdom, and will continue to hold you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Wanted to let you know I just ordered the book you recommended from Amazon. I will try my best to show self restraint but for me it will be very difficult because i'm always waiting for the next thing my daughter will be pulling that will upset me again. Thank You So Much for your Very Helpful words.

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I know how much it will help your situation by showing restraint, and will may just open the door a crack, on the way back into a better relationship with your daughter.

You both must learn to trust another, and someone has to lead the way.

God bless,

Elliott
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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