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Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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This is a follow-up qestion that I thougt of. Why would he

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This is a follow-up qestion that I thougt of. Why would he still want contact with me if he dosent want to see me anymore. To me this is just more emotional abusive
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Other.
It dosent matter who answers
Hello, I'd be happy to help you. Would you offer additional information please. It sounds like there are things going on in your relationship that are very confusing. I will see if I can find your previous question to gather additional information.
I read your previous post- it sounds like you've been hurt deeply by this man. I notice the previous expert told you to end all contact. Do you think you'd be able to end all contact. It sounds like you are quite confused- wondering if he has feelings because he continues the contact. You ask, why does he contact you if he doesn't want to see you anymore? Part of that may be his desire to keep you "on the line", you've been in his life for quite some time, you've likely met many of his emotional needs- and he's a bit dependent on that. However, he can not have both, a break up, and you in his life when he says so. That would be him controlling you as he has for many years. It's very normal for you to be so confused, to be in such a relationship for 13 years- it can change one's thinking.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He was very controlling and he changed me as a person. I want to move just being near him makes me nervous

It's difficult to set limits with this man, because he has done such a "number" on your head. There is research out there that women in abusive relationships have a brain change, their thinking actually changes. The woman also tends to lose her original or former self. You can get back to your original self with some time and hard work.

Often in these types of relationships the abuser makes the abuser into a "non" person. The only thoughts and feelings that matter are HIS. You have been forced to be focused on this man for many years, and in the process lose you. It's hard but with some good support you can do it. If you struggle in setting boundaries with him, like you said you want to move because being near him makes you nervous. For starters, take some steps in not taking his calls, telling him you are busy, finding any excuse to move away from him. The direct approach is best- like the previous expert told you.

It's difficult, I know, any which way you look at this. Have you considered contacting a domestic abuse program? They offer support groups and counseling.

A couple good books to consider:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by ***** *****

The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, by ***** *****
Another thing I meant to write- this relationship, even though you know it is toxic, is also very addictive. Similar to any other sort of addiction, one becomes completely focused on the drug, person , etc. Your entire life revolved around this man, and it will require support, more than anything to "kick the habit", so to say. If you are afraid he may harm you if you set those strong boundaries and expectations, before doing so, be sure to have a safety plan. The domestic abuse program in your area can assist you with this. A safety plan may mean having someone with you when you are more firm with him, having your phone near, letting other people know what you are attempting to do so they can be back up.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I do feel addicted to this man. I have no support, I have no friends. I have had bad luck in therapy, so I have not gone back. I have read several books on the subject. I need to get stronger. I no he dosent care about me, he never did. I feel like a fool for hanging on.

You know it's always much clearer looking back, realizing what sort of man he was, what this has done to you. You are absolutely right you need to get stronger, and that may require support from someone, a support group, a different counselor, the domestic abuse resource I mentioned. If you tell me what city you are in, I can try and find a domestic abuse resource for you. Another option would be to google it for your area. It sounds like you are in a place to begin healing and recovering from this. You've been wounded, traumatized, and may feel battered down. Do try and remember you are a survivor, you endured this over many years- somehow, you got through it. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and there is hope for a better future. You are not alone in this- sadly it is quite common. Many do get better, and stronger because of what they experienced.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I live an Ann Arbor, Michigan. I would not want a man therapist, because the last therapist was male. You are right , I am a survivor, but barely.

These are some of the effects from being in an abusive relationship.
  • Have difficulty forming conclusions and making decisions
  • Feel or accept that there is something wrong with them on a basic level (selfish, too sensitive, "crazy", etc.)
  • Analyze and relive abusive experiences to see where they made mistakes
  • Doubt their ability to communicate
  • Experience self-doubt, low self-confidence, and lose spontaneity and/or enthusiasm
  • Believe and say things like "Everything will be better when the baby is born," or "Everything will improve after he finds a job."

The healing comes from identifying the effects, and looking at them each, and working towards finding you- yes the survivor- barely is still surviving!!

I will check on those resources for you- be right back with that.

There are many specialized counselors in your area. The easiest way to get to those is: go to Psychology Today website, go to find a therapist. You put in your zip or city and a list will come up. On left side of page you can narrow the search. Go to "issues", hit "more" tab and click on domestic abuse. A list will come up in your area. Let me know if you have trouble getting there.

I do wish you the best in your road to recovery!!
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