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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now, and we

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I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now, and we are extremely happy. We enjoy each others company and are even talking about getting engaged and moving in together in the not too distant future. The only problem is that I cannot get her to climax, in fact, she's stated many times that she has never had an orgasm in her life, but that I've got her closest to one. While she states this isn't a problem, and we don't ever argue over it, I can't help but feel like it could cause problems down the line.
We've tried a lot of things, sensual massages to try and get her to relax, going to a hotel for some additional privacy, roleplaying, various sex toys, multitudes of positions, the list goes on. While I can get her close every so often, she usually ends up very sore after because of the time and effort it takes to get her to that point. She has never masturbated and refuses to try it so I've had to try and take the lead to find out what gets her going, I know that her clitoris is extremely sensitive but when I try to stimulate it she pulls my hand away and tells me it tickles.
I just want some advice, I feel that lately our sex life has dwindled and although we talk openly about sex and she says that it isn't the fact I can't get her to climax, I can't help but feel if I got her there maybe things would be more regular.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your question, and sorry for the delay.
I can understand how frustrating and difficult this situation has been for you both over the course of the past 3 years, especially since your relationship has been steadily progressing and becoming more and more serious. The problem that your girlfriend is experiencing is actually not as uncommon as you might think, and many women have problems experiencing orgasm. It's not the first time that I've heard someone ask for help with this type of problem. Since you've essentially tried everything in terms of self-help for this problem, I'd like to suggest that there might be one of two things going on - but she will need to have an in-person evaluation with a medical professional to determine what's going on for sure, since it's not really possible to provide a definitive diagnosis online.
One possibility is that she has a condition known as anorgasmia. This usually means that someone has never had an orgasm, as you say is the case for your girlfriend, or has extreme difficulties with it. You might be interested in reading this information from the Mayo Clinic regarding symptoms and treatments:
If this is the case, and the only way to know for sure is for her to consult her GP, then there are certain medical treatments that might help.
The other possibility that comes to mind is that there is a psychological block that she's developed over the course of her life, for what reason, it's not possible to say without having an in-person evaluation and discussion. Especially if you say she's come close to having an orgasm, then it's possible that, for some reason, she is just not able to fully let herself go and enjoy the experience. You both might want to consult a sex therapist to explore this option, because it's also fairly common in women. If you'd like to find a sex therapist, you might look on this website:
Another thing to consider is that the longer this problem goes on, the harder it's going to get, because of the pressure you both are feeling to resolve this problem, so I would suggest that you at least think about pursuing one or both of these options as soon as possible.
I hope this helps, and I wish you both luck. Please let me know if you have any further questions.
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