Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. On the one hand you keep receiving the message over and over that you are not worthy, not as good as your siblings. But on the other hand you are making a life for yourself, you have values you believe in deeply and you know these are good values. That is a tremendous measure of the worthiness within you.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Clearly, you are a worthwhile person. But not in your own eyes enough. Why not?
Because you are allowing yourself to be too influenced by your family. You are beginning to look at yourself too much through their eyes. And this is not healthy. It's never healthy to let yourself start looking at yourself too much through others' eyes.
The problem, then, is not in the REALITY of the situation. The problem is in your PERCEPTION. What do I mean?
Your life is moving forward. You can't afford yet to leave home. But you are studying; you are taking steps to become independent. You are in school, even if it is not the best school.
Your whole video of life in your mind is negative, failure, hopeless, etc. Is this reality? Nope, you've coped with problems and have moved forward to keep going. That's the definition of a worthwhile life. The solution, then, is within you. The problem is in your attitude. The solution, then, is in your attitude. And when it comes to ATTITUDE, the self help world is fantastic at it!
I want you to commit yourself to apply the principles in the following videos and books to your worries about anxiety. So that you can be yourself with more confidence. Coach yourself. Be your own life coach! I want you to get really into motivational videos and books. In other words, accept your past fears, accept your past worries and hurts and traumas. Accept them and focus on becoming who you WANT to be now. Here's a simple YouTube search I put together on "motivational speakers":
Some like Tony Robbins are the classic big guys. Some are newer. There are now wonderful women speakers as well. Watch them all. Get inspired. Buy a book or two. Here are some possibilities, but they are only suggestions as there are so many good ones.
The first book is the father of all these type of books. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There are classes in these books now! It was written in the 1930s and still has something to say to us today that is very worthwhile.
I think very highly of the second book on my list, which is a real classic: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It is the book that has helped more people than probably any other.
The third book is by Anthony Robbins. He's one of those speakers who fills up huge auditoriums. For a reason. He's a terrific speaker and writer. The particular book (if you like it, try his others): Awaken the Giant Within.
And use the extra edge you'll get from becoming involved in the self help motivation movement to feel more comfortable making friends at school. You need to make your family less overpowering in your life. That means having a wider social circle.
And also, by making friends you will have the opportunity to ask someone to help you with learning grammar by reviewing a grammar book with you. Slowly, you will learn English usage better and get to the level of speaking and reading that you want.
So the only thing separating you from your sense of positive value in yourself is your running mind video about your failure and shortcomings. Throw those out and replace them with motivation and commitment to your future.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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