Hello Ms. Julie,
No one can tell you to stop loving him, like you said you are grieving this loss. Never say never regarding the future with N. The thing to consider, like your mom did, is the importance of living your life. She could not have predicted what happened with your dad. She may often times felt like you- no clue what the future would hold. I think it's when we center our life around something that is undetermined, is when we may miss out on opportunities. I know it is cheesy but one day at a time is all any of us have.
Yes, how do you compete with your mom's story- you little love child you
. I think looking at this as grief, loss, and the only true healer of this is time. It's almost worse than a death- with death- there is a funeral, and we know the next step is healing and closure. I'd say in this situation it's unknown what the life expectancy is of the relationship- so in other words you swing back and forth to hope, loss, hope,.... Your response is normal considering what has happened.
I wouldn't say "stalking", but being uncertain where he's at and the distance you have felt- it may truly be best to pull away- to protect yourself- to heal. It's no wonder that you go back and forth- CONFUSED, you have not gotten answers from him and it is slow and painful not knowing. I'm sorry for your loss. You are a good person, a great woman, bright, funny, and you have more to offer than you give yourself credit for. N is one man, he has made an impression on you, for sure, but there are others out there who would be lucky to have you. As with grief we go through the stages of death and dying- such as bargaining, if only, what if, I wonder about....., anger, sadness, and gradually to mroe acceptance. One does tend to go back and forth into those stages as they recover.
Ask yourself the miracle question- what would your life look like if you went to bed and woke up "happy", taking N out of the equation for now. What would you be doing, who would be there. Think specifically what you would be doing that would tell you- you are happy. Would you wake up at a certain time, keep more of a schedule, would you get back into things you once enjoyed etc.
Take Care, talk to you soon.