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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. For 9

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My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. For 9 years we worked together, we lived together, we traveled together. we had money troubles, we had work issues, we had good lough together. not for one moment have i stopped loving him. but he is growing more distant every day. somewhere along the way we turned into roommates. Deep inside i know i have to let go, but where do i find the strength ? i feel like my whole world is ending.
Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.

Ask Eleanor :

I am very sorry that you feel you and your husband are growing apart. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and have been working with couples to overcome problems in their marriages for 20 years. There is definitely hope for you and your husband. Please describe his distant behavior for me.

Customer:

he doesnt talk to me

Customer:

he leaves to a differnet room when i sit down to watch tv next to him

Ask Eleanor :

I see. Do you believe he is depressed?

Customer:

i think he is

Customer:

but i think i am the reason

Ask Eleanor :

I thought that might be the case. When someone is depressed, they withdraw from their loved ones. Why do you believe that you are the reason?

Customer:

i feel that i am keeping him as a prisoner , and we would be happy anywhere where there no me.

Customer:

he is pretty outgoing guy

Ask Eleanor :

How are you keeping him a prisoner?

Customer:

he comes from a very difficult family situation

Ask Eleanor :

Okay, that is not your fault.

Customer:

his mom was an alcoholic who would bring different men every night in their one bedroom appartment

Ask Eleanor :

That is indeed a very difficult way to grow up. Has he ever sought professional help for his childhood issues?

Customer:

if he wasnt married to me, he would be out dating and hanging out with his friends

Customer:

no , he havent

Customer:

i mentioned it to him once before

Ask Eleanor :

You say that you have had money troubles and work issues. That is enough to cause situational depression.

Customer:

he treated my question (as all the others he doesnt want to deal with)- with silence

Ask Eleanor :

Has he told you that he wants to leave or wants you to leave, wants a divorce?

Customer:

he have not said it exactly like this

Customer:

he just keeps repeating "This is not working!"

Customer:

like he wants me to leave

Ask Eleanor :

Why would you be the one to leave?

Customer:

he doesnt look at me, doesnt touch me

Customer:

when i reach out to him he pools back

Ask Eleanor :

Well, that could be his depression. Does he feel the money and work problems are his fault?

Customer:

i dont know

Customer:

he doesnt tell me about his feelings

Ask Eleanor :

Did he before?

Customer:

our first year of marriage he opened up to me about some of the feelings he had

Customer:

about his former girlfriend an his mother

Customer:

and how angry he was with his father

Ask Eleanor :

Well it is good that he opened up with you before, this means he can do so again. Would he go to see a couples therapist with you?

Customer:

i wouldn't know how to ask him

Customer:

he hates to psycho analized

Ask Eleanor :

Well, couples therapy is different.

Customer:

he went through social services before, when he was abused at home

Customer:

i think to him is just a reminder

Ask Eleanor :

Social service is not therapy!

Customer:

or maybe he feels that it wont help

Customer:

i dont know how to ask him

Ask Eleanor :

Do you want to work on your marriage with him?

Customer:

or what would be the best time

Customer:

i dont want to loose him

Customer:

but i feel like

Customer:

he is already gone

Customer:

and it hearts so much

Ask Eleanor :

Simply tell him that you love him and are concerned about him and your marriage and believe that couples therapy will help. Then it is up to him. If he will not go with you, then go by yourself so that you will have the emotional support you need at this difficult time. You may go to www.TherapistLocator.net or www.psychologytoday.com to search for couples therapists where you live. I know it hurts and that you are afraid you have already lost him. But I believe that you are going to need to know that you did everything you could to save your marriage. Right?

Customer:

yes! i know i will keep on trying. i just dont know if i will ever be able to believe that someone will love me back and would fight for me as well.

Customer:

i feel like i am fighting vietnam war

Ask Eleanor :

I know that you are in great pain and are powerless to do anything to make things better. This why I am recommending that you find a therapist. Do you have additional questions for me this evening?

Customer:

no.

Customer:

thank you

Ask Eleanor :

You may feel powerless but you are not! You have the power to get the help that you need.

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome, dear. My pleasure. Please remember to submit a positive rating for my answer. I wish you and your husband healing, take care, Eleanor

Customer:

i know. i just never thought i would find myself in this situation

Ask Eleanor :

I understand.

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