Thank you for your reply.
Your husband of 20 years may have issues with intimacy.
He had a 3 year affair with his coworker for sex.
He has had some trouble being intimate with you for years.
It sounds like you have been patient with lack of intimacy in your marriage. I can imagine how sad
this situation must have been to you.
Your husband may need counseling and psychotherapy to work through his deep seated problems with intimacy.
I wonder if he has had issues with his own mother as she seems to have alcohol dependency. Has he been emotionally abused or neglected by his mother with alcohol problems in childhood?
It’s true that having children will change your marriage as you are parents as well as a couple. However, his lack of interest in intimacy with his wife will be his problem to work on.
Marriage counseling is a right course of action. He may need to understand he has had issues with intimacy.
He may need counseling/psychotherapy for his issue with intimacy.Psychodynamic
therapy may be effective for him to work on his issue.
After he work on his issue via individual therapy, a couple intensive retreat may be helpful for you and your husband.
I'll pause here and await your response.
All the best,