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My wife is 43 years old and for the past year plus has

pulled away from me and...
My wife is 43 years old and for the past year plus has pulled away from me and my kids. We had a good marriage for 19 years. She goes back and forth constantly. She goes through periods where she can't seem to be around me, then out of the blue hugs me and shows me affection. She is currently out of the house, but hasn't mentioned divorce in a long time. The kids are with me, and she comes over every day. She will go through periods where she is constantly contacting me, and asks me to go places, then will go through periods where she disappears and seems to want distance. Any help would be greatly appreciated
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Answered in 3 minutes by:
11/2/2012
Doctor Rao
Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience: MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
Verified
Doctor Rao :

Hi are you online?

Doctor Rao :

It must be frustrating and confusing for you, the whole situation.

Customer:

extremely. It's killing me

Doctor Rao :

i can see that. You have mentioned that for the past year she has been pulled away from you by kids, can you tell me more please about this

Customer:

Can't figure this out

Customer:

Not by the kids. Pulling away from me, then comes back. It seems to be a cycle

Doctor Rao :

ok.sorry, you meant pulled away from you and kids. I got it. is she not living with you now? if not, has this happened before, i mean leaving home,returning

Doctor Rao :

as you mentioned that, does it follows any arguments or disagreement

Doctor Rao :

if you don't mind me asking, how old are the kids?

Customer:

She was going to leave in december, but stayed. We had two decent months, then she fell again. Broke down in August and said she wanted tonstay, then left again two days later. comes over all the time. Sometimes affectionate, sometimes cold

Customer:

No arguments. Kids are 13 and 15

Doctor Rao :

ok.

Doctor Rao :

does she have any mental health problems? does she have any trust issues?

Customer:

Is this something I just have to let her go through?

Customer:

No mental health issues. No trust issues

Doctor Rao :

well.As you said she seems to be going through the circles..but this might not be helpful for you and kids as this situation would not allow you to come to terms and move.In the same way, might be unsettling for the kids.When she come home alternate days, does she give you any explanation? is there any financial dependence for her to return home alternate days?

Customer:

She comes over every day. sometimes all day, then leaves. She is financially independent

Doctor Rao :

ok.i am sure you both might have discussed about the long term plans?

Doctor Rao :

what is her longterm plan and what do you want to happen..because we need to look in to what you want and find the way if we can or else to look for other options

Customer:

Not really. She said she wanted to divorce months ago, but hasn't mentioned it all all in months. I'm taking the approach of letting it run its course. seems like a midlife crisis to me

Doctor Rao :

ok.sorry to ask you a bit sensitive question, is she currently in any relationship with anyone?

Customer:

Not that I know of

Doctor Rao :

ok.

Doctor Rao :

I think it would be unsettling for you unless you know what is happening. but, i gather from your answer that you didn't want to go through divorce route if possible, in other words, would like to be with her if possible. What was her rationale for moving out of family home? because that gives us insight in to the next course of action

Customer:

Said she wanted to see if we could make it work, but couldn't be in the house to do that. Also was going out last fall and winter alot. very uncharacteristic of her

Doctor Rao :

OK.

Doctor Rao :

I think it is important for you both to have a open,transparent discussion and also have pragmatic discussion. It might be helpful to seek Family and couple therapy because with the professional it gives a chance to see the others perspective of the problem.any relationship to nurture there should be commitment from both sides.It seems you both want dot be together deep down and willing to give another go.So, rather than trying yourselves it might be helpful to try with professionals help. it is very important whilst discussing any issue, not to criticise the person but can comment on the action.by this way, the other person would not see it as an attack on the personality.

Customer:

So u believe she wants to stay in the relationship deep down ?

Doctor Rao :

Please discuss and consider seriously seeking relationship counselling. You both need to be open about what characteristics in other would be tolerable,acceptable and what not.It is important to be flexible in this approach as we all have limitations to our personality and if both show some flexibility and commitment this might work

Doctor Rao :

I guess so, although difficult to be hundred percent.Otherwise once she got the away card would use it to her benefit and do no show

Doctor Rao :

please consider the options discussed.

Doctor Rao :

please do not hesitate to ask for more information if required at this stage

Doctor Rao
Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience: MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
Verified
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Doctor Rao
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Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
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