Hi. I'm back online as it's morning here in the US. I'll be seeing people in therapy in my office starting in a while, but I can respond now to your replies.
Your feeling is that if your husband is not having sex with another woman or other women, then you want to try to make the marriage work. If he is having sex, then you want to end the marriage. Okay.
I am very concerned for you, though. I'm most concerned that there is no way for you to know with certainty that he is not having sex with other women. He is denying it. However, he is not being open about his activities. He is not allowing you to verify what his activities are and how he is spending his money or his time.
Thus, my concern is that you will get to Europe and he will continue denying that he is having sex with other women. But he will also not allow you to look into his activities. In other words, he is maintaining a separate life from you. Even if it does not include actual sex with other women, you believe it does include partying and going to night clubs. And there is one thing certain:
He does not want an open, loving, intimate, sharing marriage. He wants to be independent and to live as a single man except when it is convenient to "act" married.
So this is why I am so concerned for you. He wants it BOTH ways. He wants to be married for the respectability with the children and grandchildren. And he wants to live like a single man to not have the responsibilities and caring for his wife that come with a marriage.
He is not acting like a married man whether he IS having sex with other women or is NOT having sex with other women. He is not caring about your feelings at all.
Therefore, I think you need to do two things: when you go to Europe, besides trying to find out if he's sleeping with other women, you need to find out if he is at all interested in having a real marriage. That means caring about your feelings, taking into account your needs in his actions. If not (which he has said he is not interested in that already) then second, you need to speak with your grown children and seek advice on whether you should continue the marriage in name or if you should get a divorce.
Because the issue of his fidelity is only one issue. There are other issues in the marriage that make it not livable for you. Namely, that he is saying he wants to live as if he's single and not have to answer to you or share with you his life and interests or care about you and your interests.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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