Mental Health

Have mental health questions? Ask a psychiatrist online

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

My husband allows his mother to make negative comments about…

Hi, my husband allows his...

Hi, my husband allows his mother to make negative comments about to me. He says that's it's just her way of talking and that she doesn't mean anything by it. However, i do feel quite hurt by her comments. He also tells her everything that goes on, sometimes about us but mostly behind my back but mostly with our financial dealings and things that go on in our daily decision making. She is one of those "always advice giving" and knows everything about everything which is really tedious when you have to deal with her on a daily basis, as we do because she had to skype everyday even though this was not the case when my husband lived alone but now that he is married she sees it fit. She is also very mean to my mother which I do not understand. On our wedding day, she told her that my husband would never refer to her as "mom" as this is customary in our culture. It is also an insult. When he confronted her, she said she did not mean for it to be insulting and this is actually her remark for everything that he has asked her and he accepts it and thinks that I need to forgive and just let her be because it is his mother. I have come to the point where I cannot ignore it anymore. I do not want to be rude to her. We had an "open communication" session once, just me, him and her and I explained to her how I felt and she totally negates that she is ever in the wrong...infact she gave us a self fulfilling prophecy of how good she and her intentions always are. I had to live with her for two years, without my husband as I migrated to Canada to live with him but because of his job and we didn't quite settle in, he suggested that I stay with her. Even though I was not in favour and asked him several times for me to move as I knew it would be better for everyone's health, he refused as he thought the financial benefits were much more valuable that my mental health of having to put up with her everyday. We have finally moved 18 hours away and she is still in my life everyday. I am not saying that she is a bad person or that I want my husband to hate her, because i would be upset if the shoe were on the other foot so to speak as both our moms are single parents and we cherish them. I just want him to admit that she has hurt me, and that it is not okay for her to constantly "put me down" even infront of him while he allows it to slide or completely denies that she even said it! While I lived with her, she constantly told people that I shouted at her and she even told me that I caused her sugar to raise so high that she could have died.I do not want to be the cause of his mother's illness as I know how important it is to take care of our mothers but it has come to the point where I can no longer taker her criticism quietly.....I am even beginning to despise my husband for not sticking up for me...thing is, I can't change him or his attitude towards this....What do I do?

Am I being too stubborn? I just want a diplomatic way of dealing with this as she is very conniving and can really play games with your head. She is very concerned about her always looking like she is the good one.

Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Answered in 19 minutes by:
10/23/2012
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,996
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your mother in law is playing psychological games with you to not only hurt you, but to seem like the "good one" with your husband, her son.

I am sorry that you are going through this with your mother in law. It can be very painful when you have to cope with a family member who is determined to hurt you.

When you married your husband, you not only gained a husband but also his family. But in some families, the in laws do not recognize the gain of another daughter (or son). They see the new person as a threat to their family, especially if that family is used to doing things in a dysfunctional way which it sounds like your mother in law is used to doing. Your presence may threaten her way of doing things, including her status in her son's life. Preferring your husband is one sign that things are not emotionally healthy in his mother.

But no matter the reason for the way his mother treats you, what she does to you hurts. And it is meant to. She wants to make sure that you feel bad for "stealing" her son and for replacing her in her son's life and that you allow her to dominate your life and your husband's. She refuses to recognize your status as her son's wife and seems to be trying to take over so she is not excluded.

The key to dealing with this situation is to see what she is doing as part of her own emotionally dysfunctional way of doing things. What she thinks and feels has nothing to do with you. She is trying to make you feel bad, but by refusing to accept her behavior, you remove yourself from getting hurt.

The next time you hear your mother in law say something untrue or hurtful to you, say to her "it sounds like you are unhappy with (then fill in whatever their complaint or lie is)". Then say "I'm sorry to hear that you believe that about me". By saying this to her, you acknowledge that you heard the lie or hurtful remark and you put the blame on her for saying it. It also keeps you from defending yourself. Do this as well with other people your mother in law has spoken to about you. Let them know that you care for your mother in law, but that she seems unhappy with your efforts. Always speak nicely about her with others. This helps them see that you stand out as the one who is being kind.

Also, you may want to discuss this further with your husband. Let him know that you feel his actions are hurtful (use "I" statements as in "I feel....") and that you are having trouble in the marriage because of it. He does need to be defending you with his mother and should never be talking to her about the situation without you being there. You are his wife and you come first. If he does not respond well to you, then suggest counseling. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside of the situation to explain how hurtful in laws can be.

Here is a very good source for dealing with in laws- http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/18/how-do-i-deal-with-my-passive-aggressive-mother-in-law/

I hope this has helped you,

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,996
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMaryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now

Can I help you any further? If not, may I ask that you rate my answer with an OK or better? Your rating is the only way I am compensated for my work. Thank you!

Kate

Ask Your Own Mental Health Question
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a mental health professionalLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,996
5,996 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

TherapistMaryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

Corrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well!

ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion.

KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
I feel better already! Thank you.

ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.

JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

Janet VPhoenix, AZ

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Dr. Keane

Dr. Keane

Therapist

1,379 satisfied customers

Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Therapist

5,996 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

Dr. Olsen

Dr. Olsen

Psychologist

2,336 satisfied customers

PsyD Psychologist

Norman M.

Norman M.

Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA

2,246 satisfied customers

ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.

Dr. Michael

Dr. Michael

Psychologist

2,177 satisfied customers

Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

Steven Olsen

Steven Olsen

Therapist

1,728 satisfied customers

More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education

Anna

Anna

Mental Health Professional

1,656 satisfied customers

Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.

< Previous | Next >

Related Mental Health Questions
My son and DIL have been married for 12 years. They live 3
My son and DIL have been married for 12 years. They live 3 hrs away. From the first time I spoke alone with her she has told my son things I supposedly said but I did not. He and I were always very cl… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
961 satisfied customers
I have been married for 15 years. My husband asked me to
I have been married for 15 years. My husband asked me to cooperate and help his mother by allowing her to live with us since she was getting financially abused and emotionally abused at her daughter's… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Therapist
5,996 satisfied customers
My husband has threatened divorse several times in the past.
My husband has threatened divorse several times in the past. I held onto hope but with each threat I realize that this will continue to flare up. Right now we are peaceful but I'd like to know how to … read more
Bonnie
Bonnie
Doctoral Degree
200 satisfied customers
My husband initiated divorce twice. Once when I gave birth
My husband initiated divorce twice . Once when I gave birth to my youngest child 12 years ago and another time about 3 years ago. But it was not successfully because my mother-in-law asked the first w… read more
KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
121 satisfied customers
I've always felt worthless living w my husband cuz he has a
I've always felt worthless living w my husband cuz he has a daughter w another women I've been with him for17 yrs and he has never put me on the bank accts or property owned papers and I just found ou… read more
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
PSYCHIATRIST ( MD Psychiatry)
Doctoral Degree
205 satisfied customers
My 2nd husband last year made a inappropiate comment to my
My 2nd husband last year made a inappropiate sexual comment to my adult daughter who lives with us I can not forget which is I feel a dealbreaker I can not seem to forget. The comment was of that me a… read more
Karyn Jones
Karyn Jones
Counselor
Bachelor's Degree
1,713 satisfied customers
My Husbands Mother is destroying our marriage. She
My Husbands Mother is destroying our marriage. She encourages him to hide things releated to our business. His parents were divorced when his dad suddenly passed away. He (my husband) wasn't but 18 at… read more
Ms. Pam
Ms. Pam
Psychotherapist
Master's Degree
8 satisfied customers
My husband's mother has been too involved in our marriage,
My husband's mother has been too involved in our marriage, especially now since we are living with her (due to financial issues) for my taste. Our constant disagreements (her saying that I am always b… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Therapist
5,996 satisfied customers
My husband left me after 20 years of marriage for another
My husband left me after 20 years of marriage for another woman.He moved in with her and her 3 young kids and broke up her marriage which was about to dissolve anyway but our marriage was strong and w… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
My husband and I are having issues. I have a real clashes
My husband and I are having issues. I have a real clashes with his behavior/personality. We're both rigid, tense, and controlling. But he's dependent, less conscience, and I have caught him lying. Bef… read more
Kevin Kappler
Kevin Kappler
Clinical Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
353 satisfied customers
I'm a 38 year old woman who really need some advice on how
I'm a 38 year old woman who really need some advice on how to deal with my mother in law. I never feel comfortable around her, she has this "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde" way about her. She can be nice and … read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
We are retired recently. I retired because my mother needed
we are retired recently. I retired because my mother needed a place to live and so she moved into our house with my husbands agreement. Now 11 months later there is nothing my mother can do that is ri… read more
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,177 satisfied customers
My mother-in-law comes to my house unannounced, tells me
lt;p>My mother-in-law comes to my house unannounced, tells me I am too fat( I weigh 180 and am 5"9 run half marathons and teach Zumba twice a week), too clean, too strict with my children( I use lo… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Therapist
5,996 satisfied customers
My husband's ex-girlfriend from 1994 pinned a baby on him.
My husband's ex-girlfriend from 1994 pinned a baby on him. Essentially she lied about him being the father of the child. The whole time he knew that she wasn't his as well. But he allowed his mother t… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Therapist
5,996 satisfied customers
I have 3 children. I am divorced from my husband. I have
I have 3 children. I am divorced from my husband. I have been subjected to what I think is sociopathic behaviour exhibited from a woman who has for the past 15 years controlled the fate of my children… read more
Fabio Goderecci
Fabio Goderecci
Private Psychiatrist, CEO
Psychiatrist, Psychotherapist, MD
135 satisfied customers
I could really use some help with my marriage. My husband
Hi - I could really use some help with my marriage. My husband and I met in 2000 and were married in 2003. We lived a great life, where we both worked, although I made more than he and provided for ou… read more
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Post-Doctoral Degree
220 satisfied customers
My husband has hired his sister to work for him. His sister
My husband has hired his sister to work for him. His sister is very competitive, nosey, jealous and territorial. She always wants to be center of attention and she is know it all. I have had many conf… read more
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
Doctoral Degree
1,564 satisfied customers
I have a sister who is married to a bum. He refuses to get a
I have a sister who is married to a bum. He refuses to get a job, meanwhile she has spent the past couple of years working 40 hours a week at an almost minimum wage job during the day to support him a… read more
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
2,177 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x