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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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i noticed my husband views various nude websites. i have told

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i noticed my husband views various nude websites. i have told him repeatedly that it upsets me when he does that. he tells me he's happy with me and i'm beautiful, but i have a hard time believing him. i asked him why he looks if he's happy with me. he replied "i don't know".

i'm having a hard time believing he loves me and i don't know what to do. we've been married 14 years and i just noticed him looking at these websites within the past couple of years. i feel as though i don't know him now. what should i do?

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,


 

Dr. Rossi :

Are you online at the moment?


 

Dr. Rossi :

You're addressing this appropriately by talking to him. It is possible that he loves you and finds you attractive.


 

Customer:

yes, still online.

Dr. Rossi :

There may be different reasons as to why he is surfing these sort of websites.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Boredom, opportunism, early mid life crisis can all be reasons causing this behavior.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Was he doing this secretively?


 

Dr. Rossi :

Does he go to chat sites or only viewing ones?


 

Dr. Rossi :

It is plausible that he can't identify the reason behind his behavior. You've heard that men are visually stimulated. It is how their brains are wired. And, it is a trait that for some it may be difficult to control.


 

Dr. Rossi :

You were asking about what to do. It would depend on what he can do as well.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Is he interested in figuring out why he's doing this more recently and does he want to halt the behavior?


 

Dr. Rossi :

Some info on brain stimulation in males http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14568457


 

Customer:

no, he wasn't doing it secretively, he wasn't trying to hide it. as far as i know he didn't go to chat sites, actually, i didn't know that men are visually stimulated, but i do understand that they all, or most, do this, whether married, or still have a significant other. i know when i do ask him about the sites, he gets embarassed, and doesn't really want to talk further about it. now that you mention it, i do believe boredom plays a big roll since his work is all travel and when he comes home, he's alone when i'm at work. we don't get to do much with eachother during the week.

Dr. Rossi :

Have you noticed a chance in his affection towards you?


 

Customer:

i don't believe he wants to halt the behavior since he's embarassed when i mention it, but i do believe he is aware it bothers me.

Dr. Rossi :

The behavior is upsetting to you and you would have to see what is the most bothersome part of it. For example, is it touching self esteem issues, trust issues, you'd rather he spends more time with you instead of online, etc.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Him being self conscious when you bring this up could be an indication that he feels guilty and or unable to stop the behavior. It could be addicting for some individuals.


 

Customer:

no, there's been no change in his affection towards me. i guess i just have a hard time understanding if he's happy with me, but bored when i'm not at home, why can't he find a project to get into, such as painting a room, or working in his workshop?

Dr. Rossi :

As his wife, you do have the right to express how this makes you feel and to ask him to be considerate of your feelings. He may find different ways to do so. Whether he decreases the time spent online at these sites, whether he does it when you're not at home and does not interfere with your family life, etc. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that it is upsetting to you and that you want to be respected. He would have to find a way to accomplish this.


 

Dr. Rossi :

He could find a project but that to him would feel like a chore and work rather than leisurely spending his time.


 

Customer:

oh yes, it definitely touches self esteem issues with me, because i'm not as young and thin as the girls are that he views....ahh haa! so we're on to something here!

Dr. Rossi :

Generally when a person gets upset, there is something underlining the feelings.


 

Dr. Rossi :

It does not mean that he's desiring a younger partner.


 

Dr. Rossi :

He's not as young now either.


 

Dr. Rossi :

The concern here would be how to have this issue be resolved.


 

Dr. Rossi :

What compromises each side is willing and capable of making?


 

Dr. Rossi :

That is what the two of you can discuss. If your communication w/ one another is decent, this should be something to do together.


 

Customer:

why do you think this doesn't mean he isn't desiring a younger partner? could it be because his affection towards me hasn't changed?

Dr. Rossi :

Because he loves you and tells you so.


 

Dr. Rossi :

He could be a more steady guy that also appreciates your personality not just looks.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Besides, people can have different desires or fantasies but what they do is what matters.


 

Dr. Rossi :

If his behavior is not contradictory to him being a decent and trustworthy husband, then you would want to give him the benefit of the doubt.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Fantasies can in fact be healthy in a marriage. You could have your own fantasies. It does not mean that you're ready to go out and act on them.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Think of fantasies as keeping one interested versus apathetic and dull.


 

Dr. Rossi :

It may be what sites exactly he's frequenting. Are these what is considered hard core or more tasteful ones. What behaviors do the people engage in, etc.


 

Dr. Rossi :

You may try to find out from him if he feels compelled to visit the sites to see if it is an addiction of sorts.


 

Customer:

actually, i do have to give him credit. the sites are more tasteful ones. his first response when i saw a picture was that he came across the website when searching for another (not one with photos). and i believe that because i am amazed at what you type in a search engine that you think may be a valid subject, and so many "wrong" websites come up. it's too easy for anyone to locate nude photos on the internet, since it isn't censored. we don't have any children and i'm glad! that has to drive parents crazy contantly monitoring their young children and teens on the net. not that i'm monitoring my husband, but i came across the websites when i was on his laptop that he usually travels with. and i just figured, at first, that he was on the sites when he was out of town....which i understood, but the more i thought about it, the more mad i got. i wish i had let it go. i had let it stew in me for too long...

Dr. Rossi :

But you do realize now that you bottled this feeling for some time. Now you're reflecting more objectively on it. IT's better to speak up with him about things that upset you as he is your partner and a trusted friend as well.


 

Dr. Rossi :

You can revisit the topic w/ him and go over possible reasons, how you felt and how you're dealing with this and see what he has to say. You can suggest to him something that would work for both of you. For example- search only for a limited time, get online when you're not there, spend quality time w/ you when you're at home, try to go out more with other friends/couples, etc.


 

Dr. Rossi :

There is always a solution to an issue when both parties work together openly.


 

Dr. Rossi :

Something to do is talk about how things had been in the past and how you want them to be now and hence forth.


 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


you ended before i could thank you for your help in this matter. you mentioned somethings that we have to work on as a couple. thank you for your help and expertise! you're input helped me immensely.

Hi Mary,

I wasn't sure if you were still online and hence, I logged off for a few minutes. You may always return to this thread if needed. Thanks!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


i think i'm satisfied with what we talked about. i'm sorry i didn't reply to you last response sooner... thanks for the website info. i will explore that to see what else i don't know, about the differences with men and women. i was considering reading the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to see if that will also help. is that something you would suggest, besides talking openly, of course.

Yes, reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus would be helpful. Other books I think may shed some light onto what is going on are
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh

The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage by Susan Heitler and Abigail Hirsch

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