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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate, I need to talk... I have been watching different types

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Kate, I need to talk...
I have been watching different types of pornography to try to figure out what sexual orientation I am. I'm confused
I think I am lesbian but I also wonder because I tend to want to watch younger girls get 'hate f**ked' ( excuse the expression) by older men...I can't talk about this in person with my therapist...I'm so ashamed
Hello, it's good to talk with you again.

It is understandable that you feel shame in telling your therapist about how you feel regarding watching the pornography. Shame usually indicates that we are worried about being rejected by someone else because we feel we are flawed in some way that makes us bad. By watching the pornography, that indicates your confusion. They type of pornography you are watching may also trigger feelings of being wrong or ashamed of what you feel. But regardless, what you feel is ok and normal.

It sounds like you are interested in pornography showing girls being hurt because there is something in those videos that attracts your attention. It may mean that you relate to what is being done if not directly, then indirectly. We are often attracted to things that trigger emotional responses in us. It does not matter if it is something we feel is good or something that we feel is bad. If it touches us in some way, it attracts our attention.

It could be that you were hurt in some way by a male in your life and the feeling the video provokes in you reminds you of the feeling you had when you were hurt. Unresolved pain from the past can make you focus on something similar in your present because your past pain is not worked through. And until it is, things like the violence you see in the video may attract your attention.

You also mentioned that the psychiatrist you saw asked you about intercourse and you zoned out to the point that you had to be touched to get you back to the present. That may indicate some type of trauma in your past. You may or may not remember this trauma. But it would affect how you feel about yourself and your relationships. It may even affect your sexual preference.

If you are willing to try to share your feelings with your therapist, that may help you discover why you feel as you do about the violent videos and your orientation. If you find it difficult to let your therapist know how you feel face to face, you may be able to write her an email. Or you could compose a letter and give it to her to read and respond to in your next session. That gives you a way to let her know how you feel without having to say the words and feel the shame you have experienced. Keep in mind that your therapist has heard many things and that it is very doubtful how you feel would shock her. Most therapists understand that there are good reasons for the things that attract people or bother people and they focus on helping you rather than judging you.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
While waiting for your reply, I phoned my therapist and left her a message, crying . I told her some of the things that I have not been able to say to her face to face...that I think I may be lesbian, the porn, the type of porn, the shame, just to get it out there and I cannot take it back now....
I really feel that any sexual feelings are wrong,...that is how I was brought up...and I didn't,t experience any for years...and the subject is out of bounds in my home...I had an episode of rage a couple of months ago where I was mowing the lawn and came across a nest of baby rabbits. I went to get my spade and I used the sharp edge to cut up a couple of them...they were squishy and hard to cut up and were making squeaky noises and so I cut up two out of five...and then put it all in a garbage bag. I told my therapist about this and she was quite concerned...

I am glad you reached out to your therapist. That was a good step to take. And by getting the feelings out in the open, you can give yourself a chance to explore them and eventually heal.

If you were brought up in an environment where you were told that any sexual feelings were wrong, then you may find you have repressed a lot of your feelings. You may also attach shame to any feelings you have since they have been labeled as "bad" and "wrong" by your parents.

The incident of hurting the baby rabbits may be a sign of rage or deep pain you have towards any part of you that feels vulnerable and exposed. The rabbits may be a representation of how you feel about yourself. By acting against the rabbits, you may be trying to eliminate those feelings in yourself. It is a good situation to explore with your therapist so she can help you get to the root of why you feel this way.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I also joined an online meeting group that has lesbians...and I tried talking with some to see how that would be and how they think. I 'met' a few but connected with one that is the opposite of me in upbringing...she is a lesbian activist, and hates her elderly parents and had an abortion...all things I believe are wrong and yet if I ever thought I was pregnant, I would do the wrong thing too Now she really likes me...and is easy to talk to...understanding and supportive.....I feel I am never going to meet her and that she is not real. I told her I wonder whether or not she is real and she says yes. I wish the answer would have been different.She wrote to me saying that she told her therapist about me and that we had cybersex...which is true...I don't want her to like me...just needed someone to talk to...I feel mean and mixed up and a phoney and childish....

It sounds like you have an ally in your situation which is good. But her not seeming to be real may be due to the lack of support you might have had all your life. It sounds like no one was there for you as a child and supported what you felt. And your contact with her might seem alien to you because of that.


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thankyou for your time and insight and support. I'm glad to have your help

You're welcome! Take care.