My husband and I have been married for over 27yrs. We have 4…

Question

My husband and I have been married for over 27yrs. We have 4 grown children. One
son has Muscular Dystrophy and is severely disabled. Our problem is with our sex
life. I believe, after doing much research, that my husband is Asexual. We only
had occassional sex prior to marriage, which was initiated by me. The honeymoon
was ok, I guess. A week long trip with sex only twice. And from the time we
arrived home from our honeymoon sex was nearly non-existent. I was lucky if it
was once every couple of months. And the only reason he engaged in sex then was
because I would get upset about it. It got to the point over the years that we
would go up to 8 months or more without sex. He told me my sex drive was too
high! His testosterone levels were tested and they were fine. Other than that,
he never discussed this issue with a doctor and refused to. He refused to talk
to me about the problem. He felt there was nothing wrong with him at all. I hung
on with great hope that things would improve for over 20yrs and then met someone
else. I have been having an affair all these years but remain married because my
husband and I both take care of our disabled son together and I am very fearful
of trying to handle that on my own. I don't want to hurt my husband. He is
absolutely wonderful in every way possible except when it comes to sex, or love
and affection. I want and crave physical contact and he just doesn't. I now feel
that my husband is like my best friend, that he is family. But I don't see him
as my romantic partner at all. I have told him that I want a divorce and he has
stated that he does not want one and will not leave until I file (which I
currently don't have the money to do so). He says he has no place else to go and
wants to be here for our son. I would like to divorce but allow him to stay in
the home so we can both be here for our son. Every time I try to talk to him
about a divorce he begins to try to have sex with me as if that will solve the
problem for the time being. It's all very forced...and very uncomfortable. And I
am no longer interested or attracted to him. I have falled for the man that I am
having the affair with. And having sex with my husband will no longer "solve"
the issues in our marriage. If he is asexual, why can't he just admit it? Why
does he hold on to me so tightly and make me suffer? He knows how unhappy I am,
but doesn't care. This seems so selfish to me. I feel so guilty for having this
affair, and the lies and sneaking around are killing me. I want the lies to stop
and I want to be free to see this man openly but I need to try to keep my
relationship with my husband in tact as much as possible for the sake of my son.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Rafael-E-Therapist · Accepted Answer

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.
(Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you said to find yourself in a marriage where sex life has been almost
non-existent for 27 years would be overwhelming for most people in your shoes.
Most people would not wait that long in order to face reality and make necessary
changes. I see you have tried and for so long hoped that things could change but
it is obvious his refusal to even acknowledge his problem and blaming you for
"creating a problem" because of having a hyper libido does not make any sense
but shows how big an issue it is for him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sadly when a person does not even admit reality and chooses not to take any
responsibility for his choices and actions in a relationship, there is nothing
you could do about it to make it work. You already confronted the issue, tried
counseling and the problem remains the same after 27 years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now i see that the core problem for you is not having the financial means to
file for divorce, and that's very frustrating. taking into account what you say
you feel, tried, want and limits you, I would suggest you to be totally honest
towards your husband and if he does not want to divorce then such decision
should not limit your right to take good care of yourself, son and rebuild your
life. If he truly cares and loves your son, then your marital problems should
not undermine what you need to do in order to continue to support him even when
the marriage ends.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing you even longer into perpetuating a marriage where you have a good
provider but no affection, love nor sexual intimacy would not make any sense fr
a person who longs and needs all these experiences and who has already develop a
relationship with another adult. it is tough for sure but you need to afford the
what it takes, and for sure it seems absolutely necessary and worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes this makes sense. And I know this in my heart, I am just finding it so
difficult. I don't know if I am that afraid to be on my own (since I have never
been - went straight from my parents house to being married) or that afraid to
hurt my husband, since he is such a nice guy and a great provider. Divorce would
cause such a huge change in my life financially and possibly in the way I have
to care for my son (the amount of responsibility). I need to get the guts up. I
just find it so difficult to ask for a divorce when I am not actually mad or
angry at my husband. I just want to move on. I sometimes think this would be
easier if we had a big huge blow out of a fight. But he never wants to argue and
stays completely quiet. LOL. I suffer from depression and have physical problems
like grinding my teeth, and twitches that I know stem from all this stress
[/topics-stress/]. I need to make a decision and just do it, but can't seem to
get myself to do it. What is wrong with me that I can't?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you say you feel, the immense fear of taking necessary steps forward are
for sure real, since when a person lives such a long term marriage and has not
had experiences allowing you to better cope, once you left your parents house to
start this marriage, then it makes perfect sense why it is this overwhelming.
Divorce can and do create huge changes and transformations in peoples lives,
even more when under these circumstances,. But at the same time denying,
avoiding, repressing or perpetuating this reality would not help but worsen
things for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have developed a codependent relationship where not engaging in arguments or
any form of conflicts brings the illusion that things are fine and that you have
no reasons to take better care of yourself, so look for a dramatic episode for
you to feel confident you could do what you want to do. Remember that
codependency, as any other addiction only creates and fuels further dysfunction
while fooling yourselves with a climate of fake harmony and happiness. Remember
that you are already into another relationship, so you do not need to wait for
something new to suddenly arise to use it as a good reason, once you already
chose long ago to rebuild your personal - romantic life with another person, but
have been living this dual life in silence avoiding facing reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The price you would have to pay would get higher and higher at every level,
since your physical , psychological ad emotional health would get more
undermined as well as your chances for rebuilding your life and start developing
new effective ways to continue taking good care of your son.

Customer:

Wow.... I have never looked at it that way before. I have looked at it as living
this dual life... but being codependent, I didn't see that until now. How do I
stop being so codependent? Do I just mustar up the courage?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency is an addiction, it does not appear in a couple of days but we
literally build it during long periods of time, thus to eradicate it we need to
work hard on ourselves, confronting our codependent tendencies patters, being
totally truthful towards ourselves and honest towards other people, addressing
issues, confronting behaviors, not avoiding necessary constructive conflicts and
crisis, which are essential for real healthy transformations. This is not easy
but tough. Enabling dysfunction, avoidance, perpetuating an unhappy marital
relationship is easy while taking full responsibility for our choices and then
actions is tough, but it's the only way to get what we need and want.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individual counseling is necessary to work on rehabilitating from codependency
and most times group support or therapy is necessary too. In the States you
could find many support groups for codependency everywhere (coda.org). Please go
to your local library and get a couple of books on the topic, you would find
many, and start reflecting on what

you learn and taking consistent action.

Customer:

Thank you so much, I will do that! I so appreciate all your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Plate take gentle care and consistent action, and feel free
to contact me for any further support.

Customer:

I will. Thank you!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

My husband and I have been married for over 27yrs. We have 4…

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