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I am having some issues with my boyfriend and my grown son.

My boyfriend and I have...
I am having some issues with my boyfriend and my grown son.
My boyfriend and I have been together 2yrs and it seems all we are doing is fighting lately.
My 22yr. son I told he had to move out because he is very disrespectful to me and doesn't help pay for anything I just got a text from his boss that said he quit today. He has another part time job, but I told he had to move out by the end of the month.
I work full time and go to school full time, I am just feeling very helpless and overwhelmed
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
10/16/2012
Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now... what specifically have you tried to get your strength back and to gain your equilibrium back from being so overwhelmed?


Customer:

I just found out about my son, it was a shock and I am really upset about it...


Heidi LPC :

So, to be sure that I understand, you asked him to plan to move out. His boss told you he quit, but your son didn't talk to you about it yet? Is that the case?

Customer:

yes, his boss just texted me that he chose to resign today, I think he had been in trouble for being late, etc. I don't think he has a good attitude there either.


Heidi LPC :

And are you more upset because your son hasn't mentioned it yet, or more fearful that he is going to defy your request to leave as you requested?

Customer:

I told him had to move out because he says very mean and rude things to me and I have given him a car, which he was supposed to make payments on and didn't, he doesn't pay me for his car ins. and I just can't handle it anymore


Customer:

I am just worried about him, I KNOW everyone has told me that I am not helping him letting him stay here and walk all over me, but


Customer:

I told him I was going to change the locks on the 31st


Heidi LPC :

So, you put down some boundaries for him... and you are thinking you may not be able to hold him accountable for it?

Customer:

Yes, I need him to be out on his own, my boyfriend and I want to live together and rent my place out


Customer:

but my boyfriend and I are having issues too...I just feel like maybe it is all me


Customer:

I am really depressed right now


Customer:

it is really hard to work full time and go to school full time and try and be everything for everyone...I seem to get lost in it all


Heidi LPC :

Hmm... a couple of things come to mind here... first, I am wondering what is causing your son's anger and disrespect towards you... and second, I think it might be helpful to carefully separate each particular issue into it's own "box", so to speak to try to attack each problem separately. So, to resolve the issue with your son; he is only 22, and having difficulty getting launched on his own... which is very common these days. The issue is how he treats you, which is disprespectfully. There is a saying that goes "we teach people how to treat us", which in this case, if you have tolerated the disrespect and not corrected it when it happened, you will now need to set those boundaries clearly. He can stay until the 30th with the understanding that he will be respectful, or something like this. If he breaks that agreement, you'd have to follow through and dismiss him from the home.

Heidi LPC :

Second, your boyfriend and you have been together 2 years, and you are having issues. You don't say specifically, but to turn your son out and choose to live with your boyfriend may cause some strife; are you happy enough in that relationship to make that choice with 100% confidence?

Customer:

Yes, I gave him that ultimatum and now I feel I have to follow through....I know I have let him treat me like crap. I have felt guilty for divorcing his dad and moving him to another state, but that was many yrs. ago. His dad is an alcoholic and was smoking pot with my other son, so I didn't want the one here exposed to that. He hated me for a long time and he has a lot of anger against his dad for what he has done to his life too


Customer:

I will not move in with my boyfriend anytime soon. We have a lot of issues we need to resolve first, I need to fix my place up to rent also. I have not quite a yr. left of school and that will be one BIG pressure gone.


Customer:

btw thank you for talking to me, this in itself is making me feel better


Heidi LPC :

Well, to be honest, if you feel that you and your son can salvage the relationship and speak as adults to one another, you can always renegotiate the arrangements. But, you must be clear about what you will and will not tolerate. Kids in the situation he is in have a bigger struggle than we are sometimes aware of. They don't have life experience to lean on, they are fearful of what path to take, they need support but are afraid to depend on us... lots of confusion and uncertainty for them at such a young age. They need confident, secure, supportive, strong role models to show them how to handle things in life. You are his mom, and you are responsible to help teach him how to make his way... and he is probably quite scared of how to do this.

Heidi LPC :

School is a HUGE pressure along with work; I can see why you are overwhelmed! You will get through it all... this is all temporary and will pass shortly... remember that.

Heidi LPC :

In raising children, it helps to be able

Heidi LPC :

to give them the space to make mistakes, but to also be there with support when they fail...


Customer:

ok, yes, I agree thank you. I need to get some rest, I have to go to work in a few hours. thank you for your help


Heidi LPC :

There are limits to how much you can or should tolerate in terms of disrespect, but expecting that it may take a few attempts at figuring out his path is understandable and to be expected... hang in there, darling... this too shall pass... and we can chat anytime you'd like! All my best to you! :-)

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
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