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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate, I've had relationships with three men so far, but I've

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Hi Kate,
I've had relationships with three men so far, but I've only kissed them and no sex. When I want sex, I'd either meet guys online just for sex or masturbate. Kissing these guys felt good at first but became so disgusting that I broke up with them. Why does this happen and how do I deal with this?
Thank you for the request.

It sounds like there is possibly a sexual issue that you are dealing with or you are fearful of being close to others, especially sexually. If you feel ok being in a relationship and even kissing them the first few times, then you are able to start relationships through connecting and relating. But if after a while you are unable to continue with them and break it off, there is something that occurs that changes how you feel at that certain time in the relationship. Finding out what changes for you can help.

You may want to try either talking it out or writing about what occurs for you when you find yourself changing from being attracted to these guys to being so turned off that you break the relationship apart. Some of the possibilities are fear of getting too close, anger at them or at yourself and past abuse. You could be fearful of having sex because it is too intimate for you and reminds you of past abuse or a past trauma so you distance yourself, still maintaining the connection but keeping your distance physically. If you experienced hurt from another partner while you were sleeping with him, that is another possible reason. Whatever is causing it, your mind has somehow connected sex with a partner with disgust or even self preservation so you are not hurt again.

Discovering what might be causing this may take some digging. You need to explore your past for any possible unresolved issues that might be causing this. Write down the feelings you have about your relationship and talk to your therapist about how it relates to anything in your past. You can also learn more about relationships and what causes feelings like you have. By learning more, it can give you ideas of why you might be sabotaging your relationships. Here are some resources to help:

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by ***** ***** and Julia Sokol

Being in Love: How to Love with Awareness and Relate Without Fear by Osho

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My therapist is trying not to dig into my past too much, because he says it can exhaust me. So we mainly talk about things on the surface but his attitude irritates me because without digging in, these problems keep existing. Should I tell him that I'm ready to do it?

My mother used to chase me around the house for no reason when I was around 4 and would catch me and touch me and I kept saying no, but she never stopped. This lasted for years.

My father said to me 'you make me horny' when we were taking a bath together when I was 11, and this is the first time I saw an erected penis. I just ran off. I told this to my mother about 10 years later and she said 'that was your fault'.

Were these abuse?

You can let your therapist know that you feel you need to dig in your past for some answers to why you feel as you do now (just the examples you gave are good enough reason to do so). If he won't do that, you might need to change therapists. Every therapist has a different approach and it is a matter of finding the one that works for you.

The incidents you described with your mother and father were definitely abuse. Your mother did not respect your boundaries and did not listen to your feelings. And to keep doing that to you for years against your will says that it was abuse.

And what your father did was sexual abuse. A father should never bathe with a female child and certainly should never expose himself and tell his own daughter she turns him on. It is abuse and it is traumatizing to a child to experience what you did. This sounds like the source of your feelings about men in your current relationships.


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